my boyfriends ex is trying to slip us up.help!?

Question

we been to gether for 2 yrs. he gave me a promise ring in feb. for val.day.i been putting up wt his ex untill its not funny any more. she uses the kids to get to him.she was married to him for 17yrs. and was not the best moral wife. she left him for another got remarried,and devorced already.she uses him threw the kids. she calls every day,he goes to her house all most every day to drop the kids off from school.he has already took her back 6mths ago for a week. then came crying back saying its not the same and he loves me.i respected him for the kids sake,and cause he was the one who was rejected.but..he says its nothing but she's calls for any and everything.the other day she had a flat. he got mad saying its nothing. but what if i wasnt around would he of went see about her. she has other boyfriends let them see about her.then i heard when she said oh iam sorry i didnt know u were at yr. gf's hm. but i found out she new cause she had just called before he came,and he told her.

i know he has 3 children, but my children and i see where he is going way to far. but we love him. she calls all the time for stupid stuff,and he falls up in it. when i say how i feel, he says she can stop me from seeing the kids. as much. he see them almost every day. well if she gets mad she can make it everyother weekend thing. he tried for 7/and 7 but the judge dont believe in that to much around this area. so is it really the kids,or her. i think he loves both the family, and me cause she never was faithful. and he feels i love him whole in that way, he said he never felt love from her like i give from the heart. what do i do he is destroying me,and my own morals. i dont do the sharing thing, they have std and other **** out there. and she's wt a lot of men for what i hear. i feel like he knows i love him, but dont care. but when i wont to get out of it, he dont wont too. help

i love him,but the baggage. he know i have no one my mom and brother died. he lives in my home town and every one see's and knows i love him and she's just trying to split us up. it hurts to bad! i tried! he said he will make the final word cause a women says its over and really dont meen it, but when a man says his word its over he means it. that was last night over the phone, what kind of bull sh-- that is. i hung up, iam about to give him some heffa sh-- his way. but when i do thers no use he crys. cause i dont move often but when i do i jump and stay where i aiming for. but i'll still have the pain,i never felt like this before not even wt my ex.my childrens dad. by the way i left him cause he was on drugs,and he is now in jail. there13 yrs we been apart and ive never played games like this. i do think he loves me but is it my heart or what a lady can do for a man. he feels my morals i know that for a fact.

Answer 1

I feel for you. you're describing what I call a Toxic Ex-Spouse. Toxic ex-spouses don't respect the boundaries of their relationship with their former wife or husband, and thus, can make your marriage a living hell. Toxic ex-spouses are partners who have never really let go of their mates and will hang on for dear life, all the while destroying your relationship. If your partner has a toxic ex-spouse, you are in an emotional triangle, a threesome.

People like your husband with toxic ex-spouses often have emotional programming that makes letting go of the past every difficult. You must insist that he honors his commitment to you and your marriage by letting go of his ex, relinquishing his responsibility for her, setting boundaries for their relationship and sticking by them. If the problem has been chronic, a period of no contact whatsoever will be necessary. That means the kids go out of the car when he picks them up, and not that he goes in for ten minutes or so and lets his ex do her number. It means messages are passed in writing or by fax rather than conversation. It's up to your partner to break the pattern. Don't wait for the toxic ex to do it---she won't.

If you discuss this with your partner, and he repeatedly refuses to confront his ex, you can try suggesting counseling so he can get input from a professional. If he refuses that, you need to ask yourself why you are letting yourself be treated this way. Until he makes a complete commitment to you, you are going to be miserable. Your partner isn't emotionally available because he is still energetically involved with his ex. Tell him you are leaving, and to call you when he is finished with his other relationship.

ravishingV

Answer 2

He has a long marriage behind him. You have to respect that. She's his children's mother. You have to respect that. You don't have to respect anything else but you do have to respect those things.
You have an ex (maybe you weren't even married to him) and kids yourself. But isn't it conVEEEEENient that your ex is in jail and so you don't have him messing around in your present relationship? Makes it easy for you to be 'moral'. The kids have their own dad (in prison) to deal with their entire lives and don't say, oh in that case, he doesn't matter - they don't even like their dad. Predictably, your children's father will be in their lives always. Just as his kids will be your boyfriend's all his life.
You have to get used to this baggage. If he wants to cheat, it will be with any person he wants to cheat with - even the clerk at the Piggly-Wiggly. If he doesn't want to cheat, he won't. No matter how many flat tires his ex has.
So get over it. She can sit in his lap topless and he doesn't have to do anything about it. She may not have been the best moral wife but I'd wager that you know your way around relationships - you've been together two years and he's giving you a promise ring? What are you, in high school? Tell him it should be an engagement ring and you want to book the reception hall right now. Then see what happens.

Answer 3

only your boyfriend can make any of this right, I dont know if hes even worth all this either, But its his responsibility to lay ground rules with his ex, And he should be happy to do it in front of you. The ex is in your life so much because he allows that. She may get mad but shell get over it, he wont lose his kids, thats BS hes telling you. Thats what needs to be done, But ask yourself if hes really worth all this? Sounds like you could do much better and deserve better than this.

Answer 4

well, I'm with you. my boyfriend's ex lives across the country, but when she is in town for visitation (she spends time with her family while they switch out custody, which is every three months until school starts) she calls him constantly. can you come do this? what's the baby doing? are you okay? where's the baby if you're working? CONSTANTLY!!! to the point that I had to ask him one day what her problem was. this didn't start until she found out that we're dating. he kept it from her for over a year because he said this would happen, that she would interfere. that's all your man's ex is doing, interfering. trying to get in the way, trying to get his mind off you and back to her. as long as she keeps him dangling behind her, the longer you have to put up with it. talk to him, explain to him how you feel, and that you would appreciate if he told her to find someone else to do for her what she needs done. also, tell him that if you intend to marry, you will not "allow" him to keep doing this once you are married. that she needs to figure out what being an adult is, and to leave him alone. so what if she tries to use the kids against him? I'm sure they know that he wants to be around, and they will know whose idea this is. also, who's to say she won't get sick of having them when he could have them, enjoying a break for a little while? just talk to him. yeah, he has issues with telling her to get on with her life, but if you plan to spend yours with him, it's time to have that talk. and tell him you're serious. either he get this done, or he can hit the road. you should be the number 1 lady in his life, not his ex wife, but this is how you are feeling right now. if you say it right, he'll see what's going on. good luck!

Answer 5

I would get out, they have 17 years, thats alot of history, and he obviously showed you he still cares about her by going back to her when he did. Only you can make this choice and you along with the rest of us will probably learn the hard way! Good luck, I hope I am wrong!

Answer 6

Get a calendar, get all your phone bill, and show it to your boyfriend on the amount of days that his ex has went into your life.
Tell him that you are willing to care for his kids as if it was your ownn and gain custon control over them in court and get a restaining order from the court so the ex can't get into your life

Answer 7

Give him an ultimatum! Tell him its ur way which isnt unrealistic and selfish or it s the highway dont worry about if he doesnt want to do it.. cuz do u REALLY want to deal with this forever and u will eventually get fed up with it and break up with him anyway so that will be alot of saved time for u to find ur self someone else. Tell him that he may not hang out with her. if he talks to her u must kno about it. because u do HAVE the right to do this. because he left u for her so its clear ur not being paranoye that there is something there. I still wouldnt feel upset tho that he did leave u for her for that week because being with someone for 17 years is along part of ur life so he most likly went back to her cuz thats been most of his adult life and its what hes use too. and hey only ONE week with her and he came back so it is obvious he cares alot about u and realized shes not for him... but you do HAVE to set boundaries. and talk to her personally about it. Say she better back off because she didnt want him and now that she realizes what she missed its too late hes yours and he deserves you because u give him the love he needs not her...

Answer 8

Your bf needs to set some limits with her...and know that it is HIS responsibility to do so. If he refuses to put a halt to her behavior, then you your choices are to continue to tolerate having another women in this relationship; continue to hold on to the hope (or maybe fantasy) that things will eventually change; or cut your losses while you can and leave. It's your decision.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

ladycat - you are putting the blame on the wrong person - it isn't the ex that is the problem, it is your boyfriend.

He still has feelings for her, that is why he is always at his beck and call - promise ring or not, he is not 100% devoted to you.