I have been married for 20 years and found out 3 months ago that my husband was having an affair. I found out on accident by listening to his MP3 player (It recorded everything that happened that morning along with a phone call with him and his girlfriend). After he was already caught, he told me that he only talked with her maybe once every three months... I found out it was more like 8-10 times a day. He lied about being at her house among other things. Everything I found out, I found out by 3rd party and had to have the proof before he would come clean with what happened. Other then what I found out he wont tell me anything. now that its 3 months after I found out, he expects me to never bring it up, never to be hurt and I should have no questions because according to him there are no answers. I have never gotten any answers as to why he did this or why it lasted 2 1/2 years. How do I get over this? Will I ever get over this?
2007-08-22 03:25:09 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he doesn't seem to understand that this needs to be talked about and discussed as many times as need to have any type of clousure. He only cares about he wants this dropped and never brought up again. When I do bring it up he yells at me, screams at me and swears at me. Do I really need to deal with that crap from him. This isnt MY fault.
2007-08-22 03:28:10 · update #1
The marriage relationship is the responsibility of both of you. The affair, however, is totally your husband's responsibility. You are responsible for your own feelings about this and you have every right to feel hurt, confused, angry, and sad. For your husband to deny you this is showing that he truly is not ready to deal with reality with any integrity.
I suggest you get yourself some objective help....for example, counseling. I further suggest that you really consider if this is the man you want to stay married with. I divorced my wife after 17 years of marriage because of her long affair and her unwillingness to deal effectively with our relationship. It was absolutely painful and devastating to me....but the best thing I ever did for myself.
I'm not suggesting you have to leave him. But you should not take any action off the table at this time because you are still hurting in a real vulnerable way. I think you deserve better treatment than he has been giving you. God bless.
2007-08-22 03:34:29 · answer #1 · answered by Brent 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
According to those facts you have every reason to decide what you should do. At this point know what you want first so you can ask for what you want and be ready to receive what you're asking for. If you're mixed up all you're going to get are mixed results. Take time to take care of you and to recharge your confidence/strength as you will need it. IF you don't take charge over this matter now you never will and could be detrimental to your life (which is unfair to you). I would highly recommend counseling to help by giving you two some advice/tips on what your options are if you stay together or split. Easier said then done, but since you've been together this long maybe it's time for a tune-up so to speak. You have the opportunity to turn this around and use it for your own good. Don't let time slip away anymore.
2007-08-22 03:53:02 · answer #2 · answered by VibiB 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marriage counselling or boot him out of your bedroom.
Now this may really bring the marriage to an end. But, to be honest, unless he is prepared to sit with you and talk about it, so that you get some answers that you deserve, maybe not to your taste, no, you won't be able to have a proper relationship anymore anyway.
So, it'll break or survive. But you need to express your feelings too.
He can't be the one calling all the shots and yes, it is guilt and shame for being found out that makes him a bully, but don't put up with it. Don't be afraid of him, or if he didn't care about you, he would have taken the opportunity to go, or would have carried on with it.
So, take your chances, and put your foot down.
It's the marriage counsellor.
I wouldn't do it just with him, but definitely in the presence of a counsellor, as the pain could be too much for you to deal on your own. You need to be advised both of you, you need someone to hold your hand when you hear about it, at least at first.
So, don't let him get away with it just like that. It's about coming clean and showing some respect to you and your feelings.
Making the subject taboo won't help in anyway, only shade your pain from him. Well, he caused it, so, he has to face it and be there with you.
Good luck.
2007-08-22 03:37:51 · answer #3 · answered by Kc 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with you. You talk about it as much as you need to. He's angry because he doesn't want to feel the guilt. Too bad though.
I do think marriage counseling could seriously help here if you are determined to make this work. They could help you two move through this and also have the closure your husband is so desperately wanting.
I don't know if you will ever get over it. I've always felt that the only way I could get over something like that is if he came to me feeling horrible and begging for forgiveness. But until I'm in that situation I don't know for sure how I'd deal. I have to be honest though my first thought was why are you still with this guy when he continues to prove that he won't tell you the truth....
Sorry for what you are going through
2007-08-22 03:46:07 · answer #4 · answered by Jessie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is being very inconsiderate of your feelings. I think you either have to accept what he has done or seperate. You will not get over it. The answers will only hurt you even more. The details will really be engraved in your brain. The fact is he cheated. It is normal to want to know why, how, when, and where. The truth of it is he is not willing to take responsibility for his actions. It also lets you know that if you have no proof he will say it wasn't him. Still he is deceitful.
Evaluate why you want to stay. 20 yrs is a long time and so is 2 1/2 years of lies.
2007-08-22 03:34:43 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell your husband that the only way you can move past this is by talking it all out, not ignoring it. Tell him this is what you need now and that you feel hurt and betrayed and it's not all about his feelings now. He's probably yelling and getting angry b/c he got caught and feels guilty and since you've been together so long he's taking you for granted. If you want to save the marriage tell him the only way is by going to a couples' counselor and really working through this. If he still refuses he's pretty much letting you know your feelings and marriage isn't that important and you don't deserve that type of treatment - you've been through enough - now it's your time to get what you want and deserve out of this. Best of luck, stay strong.
2007-08-22 03:38:53 · answer #6 · answered by needstoknow 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's real nice. I would tell him that you either go to counseling and talk through this with a 3rd party to guide you both on how to do it healthy, or KICK HIM TO THE CURB. Counseling WILL work if BOTH parties want it too. And you may go for awhile and decide you don't want it to, and that is ok. He is defensive and probably feels like dirt, and he should. You don't deserve what he did to you OR the abuse he is continuing to give you. He should kiss your feet for even giving him a chance to explain. So, try for the counseling, see what happens then. If he refuses your just going to have to decide if you can live with someone that you can't trust and that will mostly do it again. Good luck and I am truly sorry.
2007-08-22 04:01:02 · answer #7 · answered by Ginger 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is crazy crap! He cheats on you for 2 1/2 yrs. and he has nothing to say about it. Maybe reverse the roll and he'll want to know a thing or 2 from you. You will never get over this, but you can for give him. It's always harder on the one who was cheated on then the cheater. He was having fun until he was caught and now has nothing to say. What a JERK!!!! He's married to YOU not her. So I would say he has a lot of talking to do with you for a long time. Of course he doesn't want to explain why would he, There's nothing good coming from it to benefit HIM!!! Good luck & stay strong!!!!!
2007-08-22 04:14:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he will not attend counseling with you, go alone. Deal with the hurt that you're feeling and find out why you want the marriage to work. The only way to save your marriage is for him to be completely open, honest and transparent with you about everything. The fact that he won't talk at all about it means he still has something to hide. Honestly, with the way he's behaving, it doesn't sound like he wants to save this marriage and I'm nto sure that that would be the best answer anyway.
2007-08-22 03:34:32 · answer #9 · answered by LB 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You sure won't get over it if you guys don't have a frank discussion about it, where you lay all your cards on the table.
I'd be furious if he didn't at least show me or say things that would prove to me that he's remorseful.
The fact that he expects you to forget about it and move on shows some lack of sensitivity if not respect.
I suggest marriage counseling or you're going to have to make a hard decision.
If he didn't explain himself now, how do you what he's going to do in two months, a week....now?
2007-08-22 03:36:31 · answer #10 · answered by Dahlia O 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋