My husband has cheated on me many times in the past. He has vowed never to do it again and we moved out of the state we lived in a month ago. Since that time he has not made contact with the girl he cheated on me with (the main reason we moved). He called her last night and talked for 5 minutes (I saw the call log on the phone). He told me he was sorry and made a mistake and that he talked to her about the problems he and I are having. He says he's sorry, and says he will never do it again. I feel as though he just doesn't understand how hurt I am about this though. We are not going to divorce and have been through marriage counseling before. I just want to know how can I get him to understand my feelings and how much these things hurt me. Am I blowing this out of proportion (The girl lives 700 miles away and it's not like there going to hook up anytime)?
2007-08-22 03:09:00 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
you are not blowing it out of proportion... they could hook up via the internet you know... cyber sex and chatting and all that...that is cheating too... so watch out for that... =(... how do you know? maybe she will come there to visit him! I have seen cases like that too... =(... in my opinion, he does not love you... cheaters don't love their spouses...they love their #### =(... he knows you won't leave him, that's why he keeps doing it =(...
2007-08-22 03:13:53 · answer #1 · answered by elvlayarvvi fEisty wife and mom 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
No way!! are you blowing this out of proportion. He is very lucky to have you still around. But making him understand how you feel should come naturally to him. He must still be thinking about this other person and she must mean something to him to still be in touch with her and living 700 miles away. I suggest you have a sit down long talk with him again, and let him know what this is doing to you and how unfair it is to still be talking to her. I agree with you, he is married and made a promise to YOU not HER! So there should be no ties to her at all. I say if he continues and your not happy you need to separate for awhile so he'll get the message that your not going to deal with it nor except his selfish behavior. That is high school crap! You need to lay down the law with him and be serious or your going to set yourself up for it to continue while he's having fun cheating.
Good luck to you, stay strong and keep your head up with pride your a good person with a strong heart. His lucky to have you. Maybe you should consider talking to her too maybe you''ll find out a thing or to. I'm sure that would be very difficult to do but it just might be worth your time and at the same time you can let her know how you feel too. She has nothing to be proud of for interfering with a married man.
2007-08-22 10:48:03 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to say this, but your husband doesn't seem to sorry and is very inconsiderate. If he has cheated on you MANY times in the past, then how can he be that sorry? And, then talking to this girl on the phone. Try talking to him about everything that's happened, how you feel, and ask him why he did it? If this doesn't work, try suggesting a break for a while, so you can clear your head. Hope everything works out fine. Best of luck.
2007-08-22 10:27:17 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
To be fair, no, you're not blowing it out of proportion.
Yes, your husband has the right to discuss and dissect the problems you two are having with a friend of his, an outsider he can confide in. That's normal, but...
...that person should not be the girl he cheated on you with. That's just really offensive to me. And how much of his apology is due to getting caught, as opposed to really understanding what his error was?
I'm not going to say he's worthless, but he does need to intensify the effort he is putting into getting the marriage back on track.
2007-08-22 10:15:54 · answer #4 · answered by Mika 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs to talk to YOU about the problems he feels you are having, not her. He is emotionally attached to her and has to break it off completely. Until he absolutely has no contact with her at all, it will be a problem.
He also needs to deal with his history of cheating. Why is he doing this? Please get him into counseling. Don't know that I'd be able to stay with someone who is a serial cheater. Mine did it once and I know I'd be out the door should it happen again. Once is a mistake, twice an intent.
2007-08-22 10:15:44 · answer #5 · answered by pussycat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you're not blowing it out of proportion... but why do you assume that he doesn't understand your feelings? Or to put it another way... what would he have to do to show you that he understood your feelings?
Work out what you would like him to do and then ask him if he's willing to do it. Then repeat the process every time you don't feel like he understands your feelings. Communicating about feelings is difficult so it'll take time and practice to develop that part of your marriage.
I found it helpful to recognise that my husband doesn't work the way I do... and the way I work is as alien to him, as the way he does is to me. I can't assume he'll anticipate my needs and need to give very clear and simple instructions to him about how I'd like him to act. Usually he's quite happy to do those things - but it's up to me to tell him what they are.
2007-08-22 10:34:57 · answer #6 · answered by dakinijones 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't. In fact, he's willfully refusing to get it. The person he needs to be confiding in about his problems and seeking support from is you, or things are never going to get better. If you're not going to divorce, and he really feels the need to talk to a third party, then find yourself a new marriage counselor wherever you are.
2007-08-22 10:18:17 · answer #7 · answered by MM 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The are emotionally attached .. face it.
Even Lady Diane couldn't keep her man (Prince Charles phoned Carmella when on his honey moon, and we know how that all ended)
Don't get a divorce, but do get a separation. Once they know they can get away with it they will never stop.
Also call the girl and tell her to block your phone number from her phone. You need a chit chat with her.
2007-08-22 10:21:11 · answer #8 · answered by lily 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not blowing it out of proportion and I must comend you on how seriously you take your wedding vows. This guy doesn't really care about your feelings, his needs will always come first. He is like a little boy who just can't help himself. Good luck to you because you are going to need it.
2007-08-22 10:18:49 · answer #9 · answered by kitkat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You won't make him understand how you feel because honestly, he doesn't care how you feel. He keeps proving that to you over and over and yet, you put up with it. He likes to think of himself as someone who is capable of caring how you feel but it just isn't in him. He won't stop calling her and he'll keep getting caught. This is the game he's playing. Then pretty soon he'll start taking weekend "fishing" or "golfing" trips or traveling for business and you'll start seeing credit card charges in your old town because he's going there to see her.
2007-08-22 10:21:19 · answer #10 · answered by LB 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋