What would you do?

Question

2 years ago we found out that my husband's 12 year old nephew had made my then 5 year old daughter perform oral sex on him. We completely flipped out, took her to the appropriate counselling, doctor appointments, informed the police and what not and also cut all contact.

Since then he has tried to commit suicide 3 times. We were requested to have an interview with his counsellor who asked if we would consider writing him a letter to explain we didn't think he was a paedophile, and also asked us what would happen in the near future if say there was a family wedding.

Both my husband and I are happy to keep living life without him in it, but we understand there may be times when we cannot attend family functions because he will be there.

They feel he is not progressing with his counselling because we no longer have any contact.

I'm so confused, I have no idea what to do. I don't want his parents to have to bury him, but also don't ever want this little cretin to harm another child

See, that's how I feel. I never want to see the kid again, never want to put my child in that situation, couldn't give a toss about his progression etc etc.

These counsellors are making me feel guilty for his behaviour, when all I ever did was care for the kid until all this.

So, they say, what about when his father and father's present partner marry? Umm, well, I just won't let my daughter attend. I can be mature and not want to pummel his face in at a family event like that, so long as my daughter is away from the whole situation. They say that isn't fair on my daughter.

Aaarrggh, it's driving me mental! I might just have to go back and see her therapist again to get a 2nd and 3rd opinion.

By the way, I'm with the majority here, just wanted to make sure I wasn't being a nasty witch.

Answer 1

HA, what a load of crap! Good for you! Ya-know I am SORRY but your main concern is your daughter! If someone did that to my daughter, I could give a spit about how their progressing. He's not a pedophile, ya and I am the president!!!!! Why is it that these counselors always try and make the villain into the victim! Has anybody ever considered the impact on your daughter if he stays in contact with you? Even if he never lays a finger, or even says a word to her again. Just seeing him will horrify her. I am sorry, but protecting our children is the number once concern, even if your protectin them from another child. ZERO CONTACT!!!!



EDIT: You are not being a nasty witch, lol. Even if the stupid counselors are trying to make you feel that way. You have the right idea, follow your instincts and keep her safe! Wish him the best, AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY

Answer 2

I am so sorry that you have found yourself in the situation you are in. Obviously, the best thing for you to do is to protect your child, and you are doing that! I commend you for that. Although, I don't think it is harmful for you to have limited contact with the boy if it could prevent his death. Obviously, I am not saying that you should create any sort of situation where he could cause harm to anyone including your daughter. But, for a twelve year old boy to have done something like that, he must have learned it some where. SO that means, that he was probably also violated in the same way. Maybe alot has gone on in his life, and now he is feeling rejected by family. It is obvious that you love your nephew, or you wouldn't have posted this question. So you could try to forgive him, and let him know that you have forgiven him without compromising your daughter's safety. I am glad I have an outside perspective and did not have this happen to my daughter, or else I would probably be telling you to let him kill himself. Sorry if that sounds terrible. I am just trying to understand what you must feel as a parent.

Answer 3

i think how you handles that situation was very wrong... AT 12 years old he was still very young.. it's normal for children to be curious about what things are and what the other sex's looks like. u should not have contacted the police or organised docs appointments ect. Thats just going over board for children that age, cutting contact would have been the best idea to do without all the other so called "apropriate action"

as for him trying to commit suicide, maybe the parents really have to get involved too instead of this child copping all the consequences, for whatever reason he is this way, he did not make it there on his own
good luck tho i do wish you all the best

Answer 4

the boy shouldn't no about things like this he should b at least 14 or 15 when he gets his sex education at school. you have done the right thing by protecting your little girl if i was you i wouldn't contact him it is up 2 his councilor to do the right thing 4 him in fact he should b put in a suicide house where there is some 1 there to watch him 24/7 he could do it 2 another kid. you just stay with your family and let them get on with it. it was him that done it let him pay 4 it

Answer 5

Oh my do I know how you feel.
My son 14 did this to my step daughter 7. He is in the youth home now, and everyone is in counsling.

I understand your feelings very welll because i have it from both angles. They are both my kids. I called the law to him, and I have made sure she has not felt like it was her fault.

The counslers have asked you to do this because children make mistakes and sometimes they acted out something horriable that has happened to them.
My son is only 8-10 mentally they say , and is adhd, odd, and a mood disorder.
Sometimes kids experminet with things. It does not make it right and they still have to be taught that you can't do this , this is wrong, and understand why they did this to begin with.

But the sad fact is he is only a child also. He needs to be able to get through the thearpy and completely get thru it before he can be helped. You could write all your feeling to him and why you think if he doesnt get help that you are scared he would become a pedohile.

As a parent of both victim and abuser- I hear your pain. I hear your fear and I also feel your issue with him being a pedophile. I am having the same feelings that everytime I have heard something on the news like this i would say kill the idiot. Well that idoit is my son . The victim my daughter.

By keeping your daughter away from family functions you are making her feel like she did something wrong as well. My daughter crys for her brother, and misses him very much and wants to see him. She feels it is her fault. We have stressed it isnt her fault but right now brother needs to get help. she has wrote him a letter (the therapist has it) telling him her feelings as well. She told him she wants him to get help.

Nobody ever wants a child to be harmed ever. And you have to protect her but you can do that and remain the adult. This 12 year old child has had something in life affect why he did what he did, he needs to serve his time and sentence, but before he will ever heal he also needs forgiveness. Hard i hear you.
He needs to be able to finish getting through his therapy or he may ended growing up to do this again. there is no gaurantee. Could you live with the fact that he died because you wouldn't write a letter, would you want your daughter to feel it was her "fault" that he died? She would if this happened.

As a mom i feel all your pain as I go through this incredialbe painful experience myself. I have had a million questions and also have trouble with feelings I am having about my own son. I am angry that my step daughter had this happen.

My husband and I are fighting to bring home my son. Because we feel that although this terriable thing happend we have to stay strong as a family and show him it was wrong and find out why he did this and get him help. If we all just gave up on him and isolated him from the family we wouldn't be helping protect another child, or our daughter.

I know that what he did you will never forget, and you will carry that pain forever but don't let a child's life be more misery to add to the already painful experience.
I dont know if your relegious or not but god didnt stop this from happening and now he is placing a child's life in your hand, don't turn your back. you may be the key that will either kill this child or let this child live. I tell you it takes a better person to forgive then to hold this in your heart.

Please go back and talk to a thearpist. Also would you contact me through email, I think you may be able to offer me some guidence and it helps to talk to others about this .

I will keep you in my prayers as well ..

Answer 6

I would like to say he was only 12 and that is young to do this and maybe look at attending the councelling but when I put my child in your childs place I don't know if I could. Have a talk to your daughters therapist and see what her opinion is

Answer 7

First and foremost, your family is not responsible for your nephew's past, present or future health. Period.

If you have forgiven him, then write the letter stating that. But it is completely within your rights (and responsibility) to your family to withhold contact.

Not one parent on earth would fault you for keeping a big distance from your daughter's molestor. This must be awful, I really feel for you. Best of luck.

Answer 8

I agree with Kris - the little boy is probably a victim of paedophilia himself - that would have a lot more to do with his suicidal tendencies than your lack of contact. It's a tragic situation, but you need to remember that you are only doing what is best for your daughter, and she needs to know that you are 100% behind her. And that includes cutting all contact with him.

Answer 9

you are not responsible for him wanting to commit suicide. I would not write to him. I'd say the counselor needs to come up with something else for him that does not involve you or your daughter. He's done enough harm and I would not even want to have to think about him. You are not responsible for his counselling.

Answer 10

It's really bad of them to contact you and ask you to this. Guilt trip or what? Ignore it and get on with your life with your family. Your daughter is more important. How would she feel if she thought you had contact with him. Forget it.