Getting engaged but can't STAND future in-laws!?

Question

Hey :-)

My partner & I are getting engaged, however, I literally cannot stand to be around his family - to the point where in the four years we've been together, I've avoided even the big occasions with them such as Christmas etc. Basically, my family are very close (I come from a European background, so think my Big Fat Greek Wedding-style haha) & family is very important to us all, whereas his family is virtually the complete opposite.

So my question is: would an issue like this stop you from getting engaged to a person who you were in love with??

Our relationship is great, but the tension between myself & his family has always been an issue. On the flip side though, my parents absolutely adore my partner (& as we still both live at home with our parents), he virtually lives at my place & treats my parents better than his own..

I'm banking on the fact that we're moving interstate next year (& hence, away from his family).. am I being naieve for thinking this will help?!

Answer 1

You will need to talk to your fiance and make sure your on the same page when it comes to time spent with family (both his and your own). If either you or him are assuming things will be a certain way when you get married, it will cause a lot of fights and tension between you two.
There is nothing wrong with talking about how you will deal with holidays, and how much time you will spend with each family a year. Not to say things can't and wont change, however never assume anything in your relationship.

Answer 2

First, I think you need to try to develop a relationship with his family in some way. If you can't develop this relationship, it can and will cause problems in the future.

While they are not the "everybody get together" type of family, they probably have their own traditions that you are not understanding. And men don't seem to understand what is behind the traditions sometimes.

Try to take your future MIL out shopping or, if you can afford it, on a get away -- if he has sisters, make a weekend of it and see if you can get to know them better without him around.

Keep in mind that he is a product of that family and that upbringing. What seems like a little thing now will turn into a very big thing once you have been married a few years. Especially once the kids come along.

Answer 3

If the tension between you and his family is an issue now, it will only become a bigger issue after you're married. What will you do when you have children with him? These people that you cannot stand will be related to your children, his parents will be your children's grandparents and his siblings their aunts and uncles.

You are being very naive in thinking moving out of state will help. It will to a certain degree, but you have to remember that not only will you marry him, but you'll also marry his family. If you can't stand his family--it doesn't speak well for your future marriage. How would you feel if he didn't come to your family get-togethers with you, because he couldn't stand your family?

My answer to your question is: I would never marry someone who couldn't stand to even politely be in the same room with my family for a few hours. If a person can't manage that, they certainly aren't going to be able to manage the compromises and adjustments that marriage requires of a person. You don't have to be madly in love with his family, but you should at least be able to tolerate them for a bit. How are you planning on handling this at the wedding, or are you planning on not inviting his family?

I think you've still got some growing up to do before you think about getting married, especially considering that neither you or he are living independent of your parents. When you're both able to support yourselves financially--and that includes paying rent--THEN think about marriage.

Answer 4

What exactly is it about them that you can't stand? Since you love this man and are considering marrying him, you are also marrying into his family. It would be in your best interest to try and get along with them or get to know them to a point where you can stand them.

Otherwise when you do get married and have children it could be very difficult. (You think it's bad now, wait until you have kids!)

Speaking from the other point of view, my brother in laws girlfriend is very standoffish, and personally I can't stand her. My husbands family is very loving and accepting, but we are blue collar and she is blue blood. We try to be nice, but we know she can't stand us, so we never see my brother in law. It's really heartbreaking because he and my husband are best friends. It is really hard on my hubby.

Anyway I am just saying look at it from both sides. If you've tried everything and they are just not nice people, then I am sorry that you are in that situation. If you are moving out of state that may help ease the tension but I would still try for your future husbands sake as it may be bothering him a lot that you don't get along.

Good luck!

Answer 5

YES - It will be a bigger problem as time moves on. Resentment will build when you are seen as the person who drove him away from his family. You DO marry the family. This will be you children's family. Do you want to hate your kids grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc? It's a horrible way to live.

I was engaged for 5 years to a man whose family drove me nuts. I felt like Debora Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond) with the judgmental family members - but 10 times worse. In the end, we never married. Thank goodness!

I am now married to a man whose family I adore as much or more than my own. And I am so thankful that my son has so many wonderful people in his life that love him. It's great to be able to trust his relatives to watch our son, etc. I can't imagine having to alienate his entire family from our lives. We live out of state from all of our family, but we do try to visit our hometown often. We share websites/photos online, etc.

Either find a way to accept his family, or consider the possibility that there is a better match out there for you... someone whose entire family is welcome in your life.

Answer 6

I hate my In;Laws too, we tried to get along for a while but it eventually blew up. 4 years ago my mother in law gave my husband it's her or us ultimatum and well we are still happilly married. Love is such a precious thing, don't let anyone ruin it for you. As long as you don't have to live with the in-laws you can maintain your seperate lives and space.

Answer 7

My mother- in - law was nuts. I mean really crazy and didn't care for me or just about anybody else. I treated her with respect and tried mostly to keep my distance. I know she did love her son and he is wonderful. And he came from her. Dividing him from his family isn't a good idea . You can stand anything for a few hours. Just be polite and bring gifts.

Answer 8

i dont think you are. i want to live as far away from his family as i can get. i think i am wrong for that.

we have the same problem. i can't stand some of my future-in-laws....i am trying to work on my relationship them but they are very rude and i think they are bipolar.

my fiance family is not a close as my family is. they have a lot of family problems. which i dont really want to be apart of?

Answer 9

Moving away only masks the problem, doesn't solve it.
You need to have this settled so that you can cope with his family before you marry him.
Haven't you heard that when you marry a person, you also marry their family? It's true.

Answer 10

You are probably right that moving will help, but when you go back home to visit your family youll probably see his, too. But anything can happen in the future, and you dont want to dread every meeting with them. You dont have to like them; you just have to find a way to deal with them. The same way you deal with a coworker you dont like- do it for your sanity.