I'm getting married soon (2nd marriage) and we are having an informal ceremony and celebration. My sister lives across the country, is much older, and is high maintenance. I know that she is not going to enjoy the party, plus she will probably be a pain in the a**. Nevertheless, I feel that I have to invte her - and she feels like she has to come. Is there any tactful way to end this charade and tell her that its okay if she stays at home without being rude?
2007-08-21 08:56:29 · 14 answers · asked by dhdaddy2003 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Wow, sounds like you are borrowing trouble. Maybe you can set aside your expectations that your sis won't enjoy the party and your preconception that she will be a pain. Give her a call to invite her and tell her that you are very excited about this next step in your life, and that you want her to share in it if she can. The "if she can" makes it conditional in case the cross-country trip isn't possible for her now.
Is she married? Successfully? If so, you could ask her if she has any words of advice for you on keeping a marriage together. She would appreciate the vote of confidence that would show, and it might improve your relationship.
Usually people are "high maintenance" because they feel in some way that their needs aren't being met. You could head this off at the pass by asking your sister in advance if she needs anything -- something you could do before she comes to make her stay more comfortable -- reserve the hotel, arrange for her to have an outing one day when you'll be busy, or something like that.
Our siblings are the only ones we have -- it's worth the effort to nurture these relationships even though heaven knows it's not always easy.
Good luck, and congratulations on your marriage. May you enjoy many long years of happiness together.
2007-08-21 09:08:48 · answer #1 · answered by meatpiemum 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would just word it like this.
Well we aren't having anything fancy this being our second and all. I would like for you to be there but I do understand if you can't make it such a long way. I'm sure we'll take lots of pictures so if you can't some you'll still be able to see everything.
And just leave it at that. Honestly if she wants to come that bad then it's better that she come and make a few people uncomfortable for one or two days than to risk having a strain on your relationship with her for the rest of your lives.
This being your second wedding I am sure you know how all the things we worried about before the wedding didn't matter a hill of beans after the event was over.
Best wishes!!
2007-08-21 09:10:57 · answer #2 · answered by Nickie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her an edited version of what you typed. That this is your second marriage and it is an informal ceremony and celebration and that you know she lives across country and that you don't expect her to make the trip this time, but you would appreciate it if she would say a prayer (if you are religious) or keep you in her thoughts (if your not) on your special day.
2007-08-21 09:02:46 · answer #3 · answered by tan0301 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes. Just say, "Sister, (her name), look, I certainly don't expect you to travel all the way across the country to attend, after all, it's just basically an informal get together. Think about it, but, really, I would feel bad having you come all that way for such a small thing. How about we plan a visit after the wedding sometime when we can spend some time together? Let me know."
2007-08-21 13:41:11 · answer #4 · answered by zaytox0724 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey sis, I just wanted to call and tell you that I understand what an imposition it is to travel across the country. Since this is my second ceremony and it's going to be informal, I just thought I'd tell you that I totally understand if you'd rather not incur the expense. Of course I'd love to see you (*polite lie*) but I absolutely don't want you to feel obligated to come.
Try to make it sound like you are concerned about the cost/ inconvenience of traveling across the country. Of course if she wants/ feels the need to come anyway, there's not much you can do.
2007-08-21 09:32:06 · answer #5 · answered by LX V 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why tie this conversation to your wedding?
Have a "meeting of the minds" before the invites go out.
My boss hates weddings. Now he's a pain in the a** too, don't get me wrong...but we really do get along. So before my wedding I told him I knew how he felt about weddings, he was certainly welcome but I wouldn't be offended if he didn't make it.
Tell her that the pain in the a** about weddings and such events is...nobody wants to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't want to hurt your feelings by not inviting you, but I know you don't really feel like coming...you don't want to hurt my feelings by not coming, but you feel obligated if you're invited. So tell her you're starting your new life with your spouse with a new rule...no pretentious rules that just serve to be divisive. I'd rather you come for the holidays and enjoy yourself than make the expense of a special trip at an inconvenient time that you won't.
Congrats...and good luck
2007-08-21 09:07:22 · answer #6 · answered by cnsdubie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if she really doesnt want to come you could tell you that you would understand if she was unable to make it since they live so far away and the add in something about how busy her life is and such. That way she can feel ok with not coming and you didnt tell her you didnt want her there. Let her know that its ok not to come, maybe throw in something about it being your nd wedding and that she shouldn’t feel obligated to fly across the country for that. Hopefully that would work!
2007-08-21 09:10:34 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no tactful way to express that because it is unheard of as proper etiquette. I suppose you could simply mention that a dessert only will be provided by the host(ess). Mention that that the cafe will gladly provide meals and beverages to those who wish to pay for them. ADDITIONAL: If you simply state that food and drink are available from the cafe without mentioning that the guests would have to pay for any of it, then it is automatically assumed that the host(ess) is footing the bill for it since that would be proper etiquette. Do not omit or imply that they will have to pay for anything which is not the desert. You need to make certain it is known in no uncertain terms. Neglecting to do so is even more tactless and will create greater animosity amongst your guests.
2016-04-01 09:56:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, but make sure that you tell her that it is casual and there are not many people that she will know. You could also tell her that you would like to spend some time alone with her. Ask her to come a little after the ceremony.
2007-08-21 09:01:22 · answer #9 · answered by mel s 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not really; I think any way that you put it, it would come out as rude.
What you could do is if she expresses hesitation, then you can take that opportunity to say, "It's ok, I understand completely if you can't make it... etc." Then you could gently let both of you off the hook.
2007-08-21 09:01:24 · answer #10 · answered by Gen•X•er (I love zombies!) 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋