Parenting issues with sis in law, how do I handle this?

Question

I have 2 teens a 16 and 14 yr old. Since a young age, I have taught them to be well behaved and respectful. My SIL has 2 kids. Her 5 year old boy is a terror, he has no consequences . She threatens him with punishment such as taking away a toy, etc. but never follows through because he throws a fit, so she gives in. She makes the excuse " he's only 5" so everyone is expected to tolerate his bad behavior. My issue is when she tells me how I should be handling issues with my teens. She has never parented a teen. She thinks she knows the "right" way to handle issues, because she has an education in childhood development. I could care less how she wants to raise her son, I don't have to live with him.How do I let her know that she isn't exactly qualified to give me advice and that it's an insult? Her brother (my husband) is not the kids father) the kids were from my previous relationship. They do however consider him their dad since their real father abused them.

Answer 1

Either listen and then completely ignore everything she says - that will keep the peace. Or just tell her "thanks, but we have other ideas. You can try that when you have teenagers". That might subtley let her know that she needs to realize the big difference between a 5 year old and a 15 year old.

Answer 2

I have a similar problem. She doesn't tell me how to raise my children, because I set her straight from the beginning. I told her and the grandma that I make the decisions and to never tell my child they can do something before they speak to me. Now they always say "I don't know, you better go ask your mom". Yes they think I'm tough and a ***** sometimes, but they never interfere with the raising of my children. She also allows her children to behave very badly. He never gets punished, always gets threatened, and doesn't respect her at all. He doesn't listen to anyone and will probably end up in jail before the age of 13. He's not my problem. My only problem is how to let my children be a part of his life without being badly influenced by him. They love him and want to spend time with him but they act way different around him because they see him do it.

I'd just say to her exactly how I feel about her advise. She will either hold it against you or she will get over it. Either way she will keep he comments to herself, from now on. Next time she gave me unwanted advice, I just point at her bratty 5 year old and simply say "you should be teaching him that"!

Answer 3

What I do with my in-laws is smile, and nod, and let them ramble on about their superior parenting skills.

I tell them, "Thank you for your advice" and I go home and do things MY way because I've been doing this for 15 years and I know best what works for MY family. The don't live with my kids 24/7 and they don't know what works. Their unsolicited advice irritates me almost as much as a so-called "Parenting" book that has been written by someone with a doctorate in child development that has never actually RAISED a CHILD.

Answer 4

I am up for confronting people when it concerns my kids. If you care about your relationship with her then you will obviously have to find a way to be nice and dance around the issue. If you aren't worried about offending her, then just say how you feel.
Unwanted advice is the worst especially when it comes from someone who doesn't know what you are dealing with. If it was me, I would go way overboard sarcastically and say " OH, thank you for your words of wisdom!! I forgot you have raised 2 teenagers already." Then ask her what you should make for dinner, what you should wear, how to do your hair. Yeah. Like I said I like going overboard. :) but what ever you do, good luck. And know that you are doing whats best for you and your family.

Answer 5

It sounds like you are doing a perfectly fine job raising your children.
Your SIL, however, seems to be the one who needs help!
Just goes to show you that a degree doesn't always mean alot.
When she gives unsolicited advice, I think you should tell her that you seem to have done a pretty good job so far so you will continue with what works for you, but thanks for the advice.
Or just tell her that you will "take into consideration" whatever advice she gives you, and then continue to do your thing.
Of course, if you get really fed up, I'll just bet she will shut up if you tell her that your children certainly didn't act like hers does at that age.
You could get a couple of weeks peace with that one!

Answer 6

The only thing you can do is answer honestly when she does or says something to you. It's not your concern how she behaves around the folks, and what they let her get away with. If your husband has concerns, let him deal with her. But when she asks you to leave your child with her - the kid you spent 9 months making - and you're worried about upsetting her, it's time to step up! Your most important job in your whole life will be keeping your kid safe, and leaving him with a drugged up drunk, is not keeping him safe. Don't walk on eggshells, let her have the truth, and if she throws a fit, say to her - Why are you getting angry that I want to keep my kid safe?

Answer 7

I doesn't matter if she has the most perfect children in the world...she has no right to tell you how to raise your children....I'm a social worker and most people in my field are nuts!!!!!!

I think you need to be direct....tell her you respect her parenting her own children and you would like the same respect. When you want her opinion you'll ask for it, until then she can tell you how to raise a 16 and 14 year old when she is raising one on her own.

If you don't hit it head on the fight will be even bigger later!

Answer 8

I had a problem with my m-i-l telling me to go easy on my kids, not punish them so much, etc. Eventually I wrote her a letter pointing out that my kids were fun to be with, pleasant manners, respectful, etc. and telling her that my way of disciplining them had gotten the kids there in the first place.

Basically, I told her to hold her criticisms and advice unless I ask for it.

Answer 9

I think you should just go with it and tell her that you really think the kids need to spend more time with her to learn her parenting style, because you are just no substitute for a trained professional..... and that you are dropping them off for a week while you go to Cancun and read up on child psychology...are there any books she can recommend. That should teach her!!

Answer 10

I would just let it roll off your back. My SIL is a giant ***** and is always telling me how to raise my son as well..It drives me nuts, but I just let her say what she wants and then ignore any advice she gives me.