help with my 4 year old son......?

Question

he has become totally defiant and it's virtually intolerable. i've taken things away, tried talking to him and put him in his room...and now he just comes out of his room when i do, screaming, crying and kicking. he won't listen to anything and i've resorted to yelling which makes it worse for both of us. he asks for something and then changes his mind when i give it to him and has a cow when everything doesn't go his way. there has been no recent change in his life as well to blame this behavior on. i am at my wits end and i don't know what to do. is the next step just ignoring him completely? NOTHING WORKS.

Answer 1

Its not that "nothing" works, its just that everything you've tried doesnt work. You cant switch to a different punishment everytime a child reaches a new level of defiance. you absolutely must remain consistent, no matter how loud, how violent, how crazy he gets. Its hard, but its just part of being a parent.

This is how things work: teach, expect, punish/reward, divert (when dealing with toddlers).

TEACH your son how you expect him to act. Point it out in his peers. "Mommy expects you to listen to me." "We dont yell and kick, we use words." and so on. And show him what that looks like. EVERY DAY ALL DAY is teaching time. Everywhere you go, whatever you watch on tv, you should constantly be teaching him what you want and how to do it. "Look at how that little boy is standing so quiet in the grocery line. Iam so glad you stand nice with mommy too." or "How sad, that little girl is throwing a fit, what a shame, iam so glad you know how to use your words with mommy". This builds his confedence, in you as his parent, and in himself as a good child. Doesnt matter how he really might be acting at the time, what you expect from him is good behavior.

EXPECT what you taught him to come out of him. If he's about to throw a fit catch him, say "oh honey, we dont throw fits, tell mommy with your words what you want." or "Baby, this is so ugly, dont kick mommy, I said no you cant do such-and-such, now go play"

PUNISH/REWARD him for what he does. If you have reminded him ONCE and i do me ONE TIME of how he's supposed to behave and he chooses not to its time to punish. Catch him up, remove him from the situation (smack his butt if you need to, to get his attention) and put him on time out. Personally, I prefer a spanking and then diversion, toddlers live in the moment and just two swats is usually enough to snap them back to reality and then get them moving in the right direction. the more consistent you are the less often you will resort to a spanking or any punishment. If you're always punishing its because you're being inconsistent, or the child is not benig correctly taught. Reward with praise when a child does right, not money or items. What children want is your love, focusing on items only creats items.

The worst thing you can possibly do is play a game with them when theyre being bad. Never do the counting game if you reach three without a punishment. Never start the whole "stop it, mommy means it!" "quit it or i'll punish you!" Dont do that crap. Its hard on their little minds, and does nothing more than teach them that you're not serious and can be pushed farther. You end up with a child that acts worse and worse and eventually ignores you completely.

DIVERT, after you've punished or rewarded, explained the situation over again, "mommy says we do not throw fits, you get a spanking when you throw fits" or "I am so glad you did the right thing, iam SO proud of you." move them on to the next thing. another toy or activity, so they dont have time to sit and throw a new fit.

You have to be committed to this anywhere all the time. If it means leaving a full grocery cart in the check out line, DO IT. You can go back for it later. The more consistant you are the less times you ever have to resort to such drastic measures. Avoiding punishment because company is over, or because you're out of the house only teach a child when they can get away with what they want.

Never have people over or go places without first reminding a child of your expectations. "Gramma is coming to see you! I expect you to be nice and not fight with your brother while gramma is here" or "We're going to the store today, mommy expects you to sit nicely in the cart while we're shopping.".

THat does not mean "if you're good mommy will buy you ice cream" That tactic will not work and will result in you always trying to one-up yourself.

Another key to easy parenting, stay the parent, and let the child be the child. You have to be in control and know whats going on, suggesting you're not in that place leaves the child feeling insecure and like they must fill that place. For example, asking a four year old what they want to do for the day implies to them that you dont know what to do and need them to decide. Insecure. not a good idea.

Have confidence in yourself, and remain consistent.

I wanted to add too that after 14 years of working with children and raising my two younger brothers, I can say from experience that ignoring poor behavior all the time might solve the problem for a short while, but it will not teach the child how to behave and eventually as the child grows you'll end up with bigger problems. Mainly a larger, louder, MORE out of control child who will not listen and as a result can harm themseleves or others.

Answer 2

I have had similar issues with my son over the last couple of years. I don't think they were quite as bad as what you are describing though. I would say that you need to be consistent with your punishment of him. He might act like it doesn't bother him that he is being punished but it does bother him and if you do it enough it will have an affect on him. Also, do you not yell back at him, this will only spur him on further. Keep your cool, punish him in an appropriate way. You need to do something to get his attention though and let him know you mean business. This might sound harsh but when the good old slap on the bottom didn't work I did what my Dad would have done to me and took my belt to him. I couple of slaps on the bottom with belt got his attention. Also try more creative punishment. Grounding a four year old doesn't have much of an affect on him because he will entertain himself one way or another. Figure out something that he doesn't like to do and make him do that for a punishment. Don't send him to his room because that is his area and should not be used as a punishment. You are basically sending him in there with all of his things and that is not much of a punishment. Sit him down in the middle of the living room floor with nothing to play with or do and make him sit there for awhile. If the behavior continues, increase the time he has to sit there. He will eventually get the picture that you mean business and that you are the one in charge. Just remember, you are the parent and the adult. Do not let a 4 year old get you upset because then he will just feed off it because he will know that he got you upset. It sounds to me like he is testing you to see exactly what he can get away with. If you don't control it now, it will only get worse. Do something drastic to get his attention and then be consistent with punishment after that. Good Luck!!!

Answer 3

Wow I think this is a really good question because I have a 8 year old grand daughter and 4 year old grand son who bath together.Maybe it is time to have them stop this so I am glad you brought this up.They can bath in different bathrooms at the same time but should start bathing separately after all the older child is starting to get to a stage in life where they will start exploring there own bodies so better to have them explore them self than each other.Thanks for making me think about this.

Answer 4

Honestly, I kno I'm gonig to get thumbs down for this, but honestly, you need to give him a spanking. DON'T ABUSE him, but honestly, unless you want him to keep acting out that what you need to do. He sees you yelling and screamng and he thinks "I can yell and scream" he sees you getting upset, he knows he can get upset as well. When parents limit their discipline to just words their children stop taknig them seriously because they can do what their parents do, they are on that sam level, no respect. Reinforce what you say with a pat on the bottom and he will listen, once you verbalize, spank him and ignore him he has no choice but to eventually give in, once he has calmed down explain to him WHy you spanked him and why he needs to listen. If spanknig isn't your thing, then honestly your best bet is to take his things away and ignore his temper tantrums, you are the parent and you need to learn how to start being a stronger one.

Answer 5

Yes, it's time to ignore. Never let him see you sweat and never be anything less than completley consistent.

Just be calm. He breaks a rule, you say, "okay, kiddo, you just lost your books for tonight". He breaks another, you say, "you have already lost books for tonight, do you want to lose them for tomoow, too?" Now you have given him some control.

Always follow through on your punishments. You are the boss and you mean business.

It will work-it isn't easy but the apyoff will be great.

Also? feel free to let him earn some treats: "If we get through today with no tantrums, you may choose a movie at the library to watch tomorrow". That kind of thing.

Answer 6

This sounds firmarliar. Mine is doing exactly the same and is the same age too.

I found that when he screams, kick or throw a tantrum, and I yell or spank him, it gets worse.

Now me and husband learned that ignoring him helps alot. He sees that we do not notice his yelling and tantrums and then stops after 20 or so seconds.

Then he goes on as if nothing has happened.

Try it, maybe it works for you, maybe not.

Answer 7

I had a similar situation, but my son would pick up objects and throw them.. usually at me. We took him to the pediatrician and she said hold him down until he calms down. It was a safety measure to ensure that no one was injured. She was WRONG !!!!! It would make him angrier because he doesn't like being held down!!! I found that making him laugh would solve the problem and get him in a much better mood. It may sound silly, but it works. Whenever my son gets into one of his little moods that he just can't be satisfied I make him laugh and everything is all better. Time-outs didn't work for me either because he wouldn't stay. Spanking didn't help.. it made him that much angrier ! I do sometimes spank him, but it has to be for something bad, but if it's over his mood I go to the comedy routine. Ignoring isn't going to work !! TRUST ME !!! It didn't work for him !! He'd keep going until he got ready to stop.. that was just nerve-racking for me !! Comedy routine was for me every time !!

Answer 8

I find that it works best to just ignore all negative behavior. Don't give him attention for acting that way. But as soon as he behaves be as nice as you can to him. He should eventually realize that negative behavior = no attention while good behavior = lots of attention. Good luck.

Answer 9

He needs his butt smacked.
You have to take control.
He's behaving this way because he's getting away with it.
When you've tried everything (and you have), then you need to smack his butt, so he knows you mean business.
Take control now, cause if you don't, it's only going to get worse :{

Answer 10

As a last resort. I would suggest a good old fashioned hand spanking.