The death of a believer?

Question

Someone very close to me died today, and what went on at the hospital has me really wondering about what I should do at his funeral. I'm an atheist, and barely managed to bite my tongue when the hospital's chaplain came and said prayers to his loving god shortly after my loved one's death. (If this "loving god" were real, I would feel nothing but hatred and rage for it.) But, I also wondered if I was being disrespectful to his memory by not at least 'going through the motions', knowing full well that he still believed. (We just talked about this no more than 6 weeks or so ago.) Whatever the case with that, it's done and over now and I can't change it. But, what I'm worried about is his funeral. Should I, in respect to his beliefs, join in praying? Or should I just maintain a respectful silence? I'm at a complete loss (probably because I'm still in shock, I think) and would really, really appreciate advice from atheists and theists alike. My sincere thanks in advance.

Thank you, Emily. I've just reposted the question because they kicked it way down the page, and I'd like some varied opinions.

(((Adam T)))

(((RedQueen))

This is exactly what's making me wonder, sun will shine again. He was very close to me, and I want to respect him and his beliefs.

(((Tash)))

(((Ramjet - and all of you, for that matter)))

I so wish I could return everyone's kindness.

Answer 1

Oh, Penguin. I am so sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry.

I agree with most of what everyone else has said: in the grand scheme of things what is most important is that you loved one another. Respectful silence is fine. Prayer is fine as well. I have done it in church at the funeral of a loved one and my heritage is Jewish (just mumbled along really). The thing is, you should do whatever you believe will make you feel comfortable.. I mean it when I say that your choice doesn't have to be about religion at all. You obviously love this person and your respect is evident in your entire post. If you feel it would be more comfortable to pray so as not to get vilified by those around you, do so. If nobody cares, or you they don't deserve a whit of your respect, don't. I say this only because you should do what would bring you the greatest solace. I too am an atheist. If, for the family's sake, you feel it would be best to join in prayer then follow your heart. If sitting there with your eyes closed during the prayer, respectfully silent (and thinking your own thoughts about your loved one) is better then please do that. So long as you gain solace in whatever you choose, because he would want that for you.

Either way, let us know if you're alright. We love you. I love you. I am sending thoughts and healing energy your way. (((Penguin)))

Answer 2

Don't pretend to be or speak something else just because some priest or somebody would expect it from you. This is between you and the deceased. You should honour him in a way that you feel is right - if you're an atheist, a respectful silence is perfectly good enough. Think of good times you had together, think of him as a person. All the words and the gestures are just a ritual - just an outside shape for something that's supposed to go on inside us.
I'm sure your friend wouldn't want you to pretend on his behalf. Just be true to yourself - he loved you for what you were, right? You say you talked to him about his belief. I gather he was okay with you being an atheist and didn't try to convert you or anything. Why would you do that after he died, then? Just be yourself and act like you would at any other funeral. Do what you feel is right. I'm sure your friend would like that the best.

That being said, my condolences at your loss. Be strong!

Answer 3

OK, you have an opinion. What scientific evidence convinced you of that? What scientist proved there is no spirit that leaves the body? Our two major hospitals have been collecting 'back from the dead" stories from folks dying there. Heart stops beating, brain waves flatten, yet upon being revived the patients recall out of body experiences. Many don't know anything about Jesus or the Bible. How would a scientist prove or disprove. Many of those people awoke to an all new outlook on life. Books have been written about many more cases witnessed by medical personnel. I am among them, a small part of that history. In the ER in 2000 I breathed my last breath, heart stopped, brain stopped working. While that was happening I sensed my soul & spirit were sliding out of me through my feet. Everyone saw me turn white. An LPN started chest compressions.\, while my wife began shaking my head screaming "Jim, do not leave me." over and over. From above them, at the ceiling, I watched the nurse work feverishly, legs straddling my chest. Another nurse wheeled a defibrillator in, the two immediately hooking me up. I watched my body lurch twice, my wife crying out to the Lord. After that second punch I began falling back into my lifeless body, then the signs of life surged. I would be OK. Tests showed no plaque in arteries, no problem in the heart.

Answer 4

As a believer, part of me wants to tell you to pray, but I know that you probably are better off not going through the motions. I think that if you do, knowing how you feel, you might be so soured on the idea of praying that you would surely never attempt it again. I feel for your loss and I know that you want to do what is right by your friend. Don't feel guilty if you think that maintaining a respectful silence would be wrong. Your friend knew you were an atheist and I'm sure he would understand.


I believe in God. I believe He loves us all.
That said, I hope someday you do pray. But I would not advise you to do that unless you are ready to. God knows what is in your heart and if you are angry or hurt or confused but He will not force Himself on you.

As you maintain a respectful silence, I would only ask you to listen to what the others are saying. If even one little bit of it makes sense to you--say if it has nothing in particular to do with whether or not God exists-- but reflects a sentiment that you share because you loved your friend, then maybe you can say to yourself, "well at least I agree with that part."

I'm sure you friend would appreciate that.

I hope you will have many warm memories of your friend and I hope that in time those memories will soothe you and ease your pain.

Answer 5

(((((IWF))))))
I'm so sorry for you loss dear.
I understand thoroughly how you must be feeling. When my father died, he was surrounded by us - his family. I am a believer, most of my siblings aren't.
the Chaplain did say prayers, and my father was even able to participate. My siblings joined hands with us and waited respectfully. I know how they felt. I would have felt the same (been there).
Please don't worry about the funeral dear. You and your friend have obviously discussed your lives between you. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Wait respectfully. Don't participate if you don't feel the need, your friend would understand. You have your memories of him, and that will comfort you. If anyone comments - perhaps that's what you should say "I have many great memories of "____" that I will cherish for the rest of my life.... he was a good man and a great friend."

These days, probably 1/2 the participants in funerals have verying states of belief or non belief. Funerals are NOT the place to air them.

just MHO.

love always
ramjet

Answer 6

I am truly sorry for your loss. We recently went through something similar when my wife's mom and then grandfather died about a month apart. Her mothers recent husband stepped in and gave her a catholic funeral which would have been the last thing she would have wished for.

I feel at the funeral when they turn to prayer just think back to the wonderful memories of your times together. While they may be gone their memory will always be with you.

Again all the best to you and your family.

JCS

Answer 7

First, let me say I am very sorry for your loss. I would agree with the people that say your friend obviously knew you were an atheist, and loved you for you. You did not mention your closeness with the family of your friend. If you were close to them as well, you might want to go to the funeral out of respect to them, and offer your condolences. You need not do anything other than be respectfully silent. You need not even add a polite "amen." Chances are if you were very close for a long time, his family is aware of your feelings, and will know you are at the funeral because of love for your friend and respect of others he cared for.

Answer 8

You don't need to pretend to pray. (After all, if you don't believe then that will be exactly what you'd be doing.) That would just be meaningless, and how would that be a tribute to him? He knew you were atheist, right? And he respected that? Just let your memories of him act as a prayer. Go to the funeral, be respectful and silent. Think of him and the good memories you have of him. Feel love for him in your heart and that will be better than any prayer you might have pretended to say.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Answer 9

Respectful silence. After all, you are honoring, celebrating and remembering the person that you once knew and are being mindful of, and marking, our own limited and fragile mortality. Sorry for your loss. As an atheist, death always reminds me of the finality of our relatively insignificant existence. We must cleave to the belief that we must live with no regrets, greet each day like it is our last, for one day it will be.

On another note, not to be disrespectful, but I could never understand the mourning by "believers"....aren't they supposed to be dancing about in gratitude to the departed's newly found immortality? You'd think there'd be long faces only if the impending destination was Hell.

Answer 10

I'm sorry for your loss.

Me? I'd just blend in. You don't even have to pray, just look the part.

The funeral is for everyone. I don't know what relationship you had with this person, but spouse/so, children, parents come first.

Plus, to put some perspective on it, following the ritual doesn't have to be thought of as submitting to religion; it can be thought of as a continuation of tradition. A tradition that many generations before us participated in.

Look at Italy. You'd think Italians might be amongst the most devout Catholics on Earth. They're not. They barely believe, and what they do believe is superstition and often folk-religious emendations to Catholicism. When they go to church for rites, major holidays, it is out of tradition. It's what they did as a kid. It's what their parents did as a kid to time in memoriam.

Remember you not only have to respect the dead, you have to respect the other grievers to whom this person was special, too.