How to deal with brother-in-law?

Question

I'm stuck with a neurotic brother-in-law that is hard to avoid because he still lives at home and I love visiting my in-laws. This guy is 22, smokes pot, drinks heavily, was on cocaine a while, has a filthy room, doesn't shower, and is also on anti-depressants.

At Christmas he kept us up all night blaring music, he laughed at my engagement diamond, and most recently after I joked that his cat was gay (it was trying to mount their other male cat) he got furious and said "Stop it, I know what you're trying to do and it won't work. You're trying to get to me through my brother and I don't like it." Then he walked away. WTF ???

Since then he's only spoken to me once. We were all having dinner and talking about karma. I said my opinion and he replied "Well I dont really care what you think."

He's extremely insulting, no social conscience, doesn't appear to respect women and as violence goes, seems to be a ticking bomb. May get kicked out soon, a real psychopath.

His parents do know he has issues and have forced him into seeing a therapist, hence the anti-depressants. They've tried most everything from talks to interventions, therapy, drugs...offered to pay his way to college, support all his interests. He pushes it all away. He doesnt WANT to be loved. Self destructive- barfed publicly at our wedding, tried to hit on/grope his own female cousins. He wants to say things for shock value and toy with people's minds, tries to use psychology on people. The only thing preventing him being kicked out is the fear he's going to end up on the streets, either homeless or dead, because he refuses to help himself and feels he is "owed" something from the world.

Its creepy- even in baby photos, he never smiled. He always wanted more, he never shared, always thought he was smarter than everyone else, he used to violently attack my husband and choked him into unconsciousness. I'm reading the medical definition of psychopath and its him.

His parents seem reluctant to "discipline" him in front of me. They've told me and my husband to stand up for ourselves and not let him treat us like crap, but they themselves wait until we leave to have it out with him. They just send him dirty looks while I'm around. They've told us not to walk on eggshells around the guy, but at the same time I dont feel like they are following through on their ultimatums with him and are enabling him to continue because they dont tell him to stop or be quiet. If he got really obnoxious, my husband would step in and tell him to shut up and certainly wouldnt let the guy get violent with me, but as far as the more common place rude comments, everyone just says "thats how he is, ignore it" and there's just this acceptance.

We usually go there instead of them here because they've got a house with a nice yard (lots of grilling and chatting out in the gazebo) and we have a pretty small apartment.

Answer 1

You don't have a whole lot of options here.

If you still want to visit with your in-laws than you basically just ignore everything about him. Everything that he says and does, gets no response from you unless it is a direct question to you.

If it is a direct question answer as simply as possible with as little of your opinion as possible. You give no opinions about him and try not to influence what anyone is thinking about him one way or the other. You don't want it to come across to any member of his immediate family that you are "out to get him". Family dynamics are weird. In my own family I can say anything I want about my sister, but if someone "outside" the family i.e. in laws, cousins, or friends say anything against her, it's a battle waiting to happen.

Otherwise you could just stay away from your in-laws house when you know that he is going to be there! Go when he's definably out of the house, and leave when he gets home!

Good luck!

Answer 2

First off, I would make sure that if you want your relationship to not suffer than I would discuss it with your hubby Your husband should approach his brother and explain to him that he is being disrespectful and that it is not acceptable. If that doesn't work, honestly there is not much you can do but ignore him. I would not be a doormat and if he makes another remark about not caring what you think, I would answer, Thank you but I am sure others do want to hear my opinion. He has gotten away with bad behavior for to long and until his family calls him on it, he won't change.

Answer 3

try having a similar situation but add a wife and two kids and when something gets broke its the responsibility of your kids even though they weren't around the area and the other kids were. You see I brought kids to the marriage and because my children were strangers it was easier for my in laws to blame my kids. We live next door to my in-laws and it made it really hard for us to do anything. For example my mother bought my boys one of those pools that you blow up th ring and then as the water fills the pool the pool gets bigger until it is completely full. My father in law has lots of cats and kittens and the youngest boy of my brother in law threw one of my father in laws kittens in the pool and I busted him and my father in law accuses me of covering for one of my boys i told my husband what happened and he was sympathetic but that was all i could take and i emptied the pool and took it to my mothers so there wouldnt be anymore incidents and i got accused of being mean to those children because i took the pool away from them and i only want them to suffer in this heat. So I spoke my mind and well lets just say they're moving out into their own apartment and our kids aren't allowed around each other which my kids are relieved about because like they said at least they wont get blamed for stuff they didnt do. But now my brother in law and family know how I feel and well lets just say the pool incident will be the last thing they think of when they look at my side of the fence. So when you go to your inlaws remember its just a matter of time before he leaves and takes all his problems with him and youll be able to enjoy visiting your in laws more.

Answer 4

Put your foot down, hon. There is no reason for you to be insulted, and no excuse. Tell your husband how you feel. Tell his parents. Don't be mean and don't do it in front of your bro-in-law, but you need to let them know that his behavior is unnacceptable and you are worried about him. It sounds like this guy needs therapy or maybe rehab and you can be the one to get the ball rolling on that. Then you help everybody.

Answer 5

Is there any reason that you can't have your in-laws visit YOU?
His parents may be stuck with him, but you don't have to be. Make it clear that you find his behavior unacceptable and you are no longer willing to be in his presence. That's not being mean, it's just a real-world consequence of his behavior.
Where the hell is your husband/fiance in all of this? You should have his unflinching support. Wives come before siblings.

Answer 6

There is truly and obviously something wrong with this man. You might just as well be screaming at cancer to heal itself. He cannot fix himself...he needs some professional help. It is what it is...and will not change until something very serious happens or, he decided to seek the appropriate help. Sorry.

Answer 7

Sounds as if you need to stay away. He is a walking time bomb. You never can tell when someone with all those problems will explode.Invite your in laws to your place.

Answer 8

Try visiting your sister (his wife) when he isn't in or meet her outside in the shopping mall or cafe. Give him a wide berth. Drug addicts are unpredictable. You needn't see him because he isn't a blood relation anyway.

Answer 9

make it a point never to deal with this guy. he isn't worth your energy.