My 26 yo daughter doesn't talk with me, what can I do?

Question

At 13 she made mistakes, went through a bad phase, did stuff behind my back, was under influence of bad friends. To my hubby and me trust and honesty have alwas been very important. She apologized, said she understood she was wrong and promised to change but we emphasized she had broken out trust and had to abide by the consequences. She got a harsh punishment and though she dod her best to get out trust back we were harsh and it took us several months to trust her again. She suffered a lot, our trust was very important to her, actually this broke her spirit. She turned up into a great girl, made us proud, but got sad, stopped talking with us, became a stranger. She never messed up again, but we could never have her love again. We tried to talk, she even went to counselling but didn't change. Polite but distant. She told us she couldn't see us as loving parents any more. Today she's married, graduated, a great youmg woman, has a girl and nothing has changed. Hardly talks to us.

Yesterday I could talk to her, for more than a hour I opened up my heart. She listened, and when I finished she just said she didn't belive we've ever loved her. Said she's a mom and can't understand how we could be so harsh with a teen girl who just made mistakes and sincerely regretted. Said she doesn't hate us but doesn't want any relationship.

Answer 1

The only thing that will heal this broken relationship is for you and your husband to sincerely apologize and see if she's willing to enter family counseling to mend the r'ship. She's not going to want anything to do with you if she senses that you're just SAYING you're sorry but don't actually mean it. Obviously there was a HUGE hurt that happened here and she doesn't think you TRULY understand how your actions affected her. I don't know what the 2 of you put her through as "punishment" but it must have been horrible for her to cut you out of her life this many years later. Teenage girls often make mistakes and if every parents held each one against them forever, it would destroy their r'ships. You all were probably right to punish her somewhat and teach her about broken trust BUT it sounds like you went overboard in making her feel guilty, feel like she wasn't worth anything now that she made one mistake. That's a horrible thing. The FOUNDATION of a parent/child r'ship should be the understanding that there is NOTHING your child can do that will ever make you not love them. The point is - your punishment and guilt ultimately made her feel like your love was CONDITIONAL.....you only loved her if she was perfect and never made mistakes. It sounds like she's lived the rest of her life trying to live down that mistake. You all must have really torn her down. The 2 of you need to both go to counseling to understand what inside of YOU made you react this way and what you can do differently. Because, to be honest, if I were her, I wouldnt' want you around my child either. A child needs to grow up knowing her family loves her unconditionally, no matter what, no matter how often she messes up. That's evidently not the kind of love the 2 of you offer.

Answer 2

drop her small love notes and just add this. Send her cards love notes often. not much in them but maybe both of you could sign independently/

darling we did the best we could at the time and under the circumstances please remember that.

you have a little daughter that will miss out on a lot of loving from her grandparents thru the years so we are sorry but
time will heal us all. love and prayers to your family

Answer 3

have u ever punished her in her natural born life 4 all the things she did cuz if u didnt then that means u dont love her so maybe that why she thinks that do not with hold th rod from the child u did so i guess thats why if im wrong im sorry

Answer 4

I think she made the right decision, and I'm on her side.

~Cindy! :|