I have decided that adoption is the best option for my unborn child, so what next?

Question

I have chosen a close acquaintance to adopt my baby. I know she will be able to provide the kind of life for this child that I know I cannot at this time.

I am the mother of a two year old and I am 9 weeks into this pregnancy.

So, what do I do now? What challenges am I sure to face?

Her biggest fear is that I will change my mind, like many people do. What can I do to reassure her? Should I wait a while before bringing it up again or should I just state firmly that this is what I have decided and I am sure?

Answer 1

Adoption is a hard decision to make and I am sure it is taking alot on your part all you can do now is make sure you eat well and go to the doc appts and take her with you have her involved in all decisions made about the baby and maybe she will feel that you are sure to do this. Good luck to you both!

Answer 2

You should contact an attorney to make sure that everything is done and done correctly so nothing will happen to make things fall through.

Is this person open to adopting the baby and is just fearful of getting her heart broken? If so, I would say that her fear is normal & natural & you shouldn't be offended by it. It's a tough choice to make an adoption plan & I think adoptive parents always have a nagging fear that something will go wrong even until the finalization happens.

If she's open to adopting the baby, see if she will accompany you to the lawyer (not the initial visit because you & the lawyer will probably be ironing out details & he'll/she'll be making sure that this is truly what you want. It might be good to have her join you on another appointment with the attorney where he/she can alleviate her fears and concerns and talk over details.

You can decide how open you want the adoption to be (if you are certain you want this particular adoptive mother, though, you'll need to get her buy-in on it, too). You can have frequent contact with the baby, no contact or somewhere in between. Your lawyer can help you both work out those details.

You've made a very important and difficult decision. May God bless you as you carry this baby to term and beyond that. It takes an incredible person to create an adoption plan for their child.

Answer 3

Thank you for doing the right thing for your child. Most people these days think more about themselves and their own emotions and not what's truly best for the baby (i.e. "I could never give my baby up!")

I definitely would get a lawyer or social worker involved. In order for this adoption to legally take place, that must happen.

Think long and hard about whether or not you want this baby to be adopted by a "close acquaintance" as you stated in your post. This may prove to be extremely difficult for both of you once the baby is born and handed over to her. Emotions will be running high and things can change.

As an adoptee, I can tell you that I'm glad my adoption was a closed one. My parents are wonderful, I've had a great life thus far, and I think that if my adoption was open, there would have been a lot of confusion, hurt feelings, mixed emotions, etc. I know who my REAL parents are - they are the 2 people that adopted me 33 years ago.

Again, thank you for making this decision for your unborn baby. People like you are few and far between.

Answer 4

There is no way you can fully reassure her at this point. You may go through many ups and downs during the pregnancy, and may decide to parent or place depending on what month it is. Don't box yourself in at this point, and don't offer her false hope at this point. It is just too early. Reserve this decision for late in the pregnancy.

Keep exploring this choice, and see what happens. Tell her there is no way you can reassure her now becasue you need time. But that you would like to keep the possibility of placing with her open.

To promise her anything at this point would not be fair to her, or to you.

In terms of what to do next? Counseling through a mental health provider, or through an adoption agency would be helpful to you. If you wanted to go through the agency for the adoption, so they can do all the legal work for you both, then you can ask them about an "Identified Adoption". That means that you have identified an adoptive parent already (your friend), but that you want the adoption agency to handle everything. She will have to pay a reduced adoption fee to the agency.

Otherwise, she will have to go through an attorney on her own. She will also need a homestudy, like any adoptive parent, and will have to pass all the background checks, etc.

The challenges you will face? Deciding what is best for the baby, deciding who you want to parent the baby and what kind of contact you want afterwards. In terms of a friend parenting the baby, there are special challenges. Some birthmothers say that they don't want the baby to be too close, so they are always looking over their shoulder. Others may want that closeness. Some may have a difficult time watching their child be parented by another parent, rather than hearing about it and seeing photos.

I hope this helps! Good luck to you.

Answer 5

I truly think that you need to take a breath here. Not that I disagree with your option, however, a lot of things are going to be changing for you in the next 8 months. If this is your plan, keep it to yourself. It is difficult enough for an adoptive couple to wait the usual 1-2 months for a birth (most birthmothers make their decision @ 6 months or later). Has your acquaintance completed all of the necessary criteria for adoption? Home study etc.,? If not, they need to start now. I would also recommend that you obtain some birth parent counseling, the couselors will help you put things in true perspective, and help "you" with your decision, so that by the time you are ready to make it, you are well prepared mentally.

Answer 6

Congratulations and best of luck to you. Just know you are a totally unselfish person to make this decision.

Many people change their minds, especially after the birth and it really just happens. This is why there is a waiting period before the child can legally be adopted by its "new" mom. Have your friend hire an attorney to draw up the papers and even offer to go to some councelling classes with her(should be some free ones-planned parenthood, or maybe even a local church or councellor, maybe even the lawyer could reccommend one-or she can pay for it) so that she knows you are serious.

I'm sure you are taking care of yourself, but have it in writing everything! Even if the child were to be born with problems, downs, anything-would she still take him/her, or would you be left alone. I think once she sees how serious you are about all the details she may relax. Or not, she could just be a nervous wreck until that baby is in her arms.

Keep in mind your friendship may change after as well. She may keep being paranoid about everything and be scared that you will change your mind somewhere along the way-even months or years after the fact. Maybe you could be considered an auntie for this child if you want to be included. I'm not sure of your arrangement or of your friendship.

Your biggest challenge is to keep yourself happy and content and also your 2yr old! Probably not an easy task. Maybe keep a journal that you could give to this child to have when he/she is older-so they will understand how much you loved to be able to give up. Go ahead and put everything you think, feel, or thought about in it. Someday, that child will read it and be proud that you were a small-yet important part of their life.

Other challenges would probably be friends, family that spend time with you and see you are pregnant and try to talk you out of it. Of "giving away" your child, or all the other ignorant and unintentionally hateful things people say. Or late in the pregnancy when that child starts to move around and your two year old is being a perfect angel you may even change your mind. This is where a journal may come in handy-and dont think of it as a chore. Train yourself to write a sentence or two before you fall asleep. Know that you may change your mind. It happens. Also know that even if you do-with hormones and everything making it difficult-you can change it back even if your child is a little older. Its a bit more complicated, but you have to do what is right for all of you.

Best of luck and encouragement. You will be in my thoughts, Sheri

Answer 7

Hi! I have a 4 year old daughter and when she was 2 I got pregnant and gave my second child up for adoption. I ended up finding the family after I gave birth, but they are my closest friends now.

What your friend should do is consult with an attorney now and sort through her options. But, due to laws that are in place for birthmothers, there is no way to assure her. You cannot be pressured to give your child up.

You should have her pay all of your expenses while you are pregnant and until 6 weeks after you give birth. That is the norm and what any adoption agency would have their families do for the birthmother. Don't sell yourself short by not allowing her to pay for all your expenses (rent, living, medical, etc.)

I hope everything works out and I wish you the best of luck! God Bless you and feel free to email me if you have any more questions.

Answer 8

I am a mother of a son through adoption. I was chosen 3 times before one mother did not change her mind. It was hard. You can not sign anything until after the birth, 48 to 72 hours. I would bring it up again when you have your next Dr appt and ask her to go along. The birth mother did that for me and it meant a lot. She even let me be in the delivery room for the birth. You or she will need to contact a lawyer who handles adoptions and see what requirements she needs to full fill for your state. Good luck and your in my prayers

Answer 9

This is hard to answer. I have a 3 year old that I adopted as a new born. He is an angel and the love of my life. But my husband and I were supposed to adopted a baby a few months prior to my sons birth. The girl that we were supposed to adopt from was so sure that she was doing the right thing, but once the baby was born, she changed her mind. I think you really need to prepare for the heartache. The agency we went through offers free counseling for birthmothers. Check them out.
http://www.adoptionhelp.org/

Answer 10

First of all...you have made a very responsible decision...please don't let anyone tell you differently.

Now...are you SURE you want a friend to adopt your child? Do you want an open adoption? I would look for an organization in your area that promotes adoption. You will need legal advice, for your protection and the adoptive family's. I have no idea if this is a good website, but I am attaching one. If this is no good, try Ask.com. Just type in what you are looking for. God Bless...good luck!