Divorce, Marriage.....?

Question

ok, this is NOT a question for the marriage section. I want opinions on divorce and re-marriage from a christian, spiritual, (or whatever religion you happen to be, there are lots)

A woman gets married. She believes she loves the man very much. They are around 20. They have a couple of children. Throughout the first few months things go quite well. Then the husband stops working. He loses one job after another. He doesn't help with the house or bills. She is forced to leave both young children and work while still maintaining the home. He is usually out all night and has gotten involved in drugs. (he uses $$ for drugs that should be payig bills which results in them being evicted and having to move in with her brother and his family) He leaves her for a month because he needs freedom. She takes him back. Nothing changes. She is still supporting them, paying a small amount of rent at her brothers. He goes out one night and doesn't return. He is gone 2 weeks. She calls everyone..

including the police. Finally tracks him down, brings him to rehab. Thry live apart but stay together. He is allowed to see the kids whenever he wants. (rarely) and doesn't pay at all. She waits for him to clean up for 5 more years. Finally she gives up. She files for divorce. (still not asking for $ and still allowing him to see the children) Is this divorce ok? is it still wrong? should she have to suffer forever?

Answer 1

A civil divorce to end the civil marriage and bring financial (and possibly personal) protection to herself and her kids makes perfect sense. In my faith tradition, this would not be condemned.

However, in my faith tradition, we look at marriage as sacramental unions as well as civil unions. So if they were married in my faith tradition, she could get a civil divorce to end the civil union, but she couldn't end the sacramental union. "What God has joined together, let no man separate," and all of that. So if her first marriage was sacramentally valid, she could not remarry to anyone but her ex. If she ever wanted to marry somebody else, she would have to have her first marriage declared null, which would require filing some paperwork and possibly an investigation and paying whatever processing fees are incurred. (Anywhere from $200 - $5000). And even then, the annulment can only be granted if certain things are true about that first marriage.

Being abandoned does not, unfortunately, render a marriage invalid. (It's a sin against the marital union, but it doesn't mean the union doesn't exist.) However, marrying at a young age without proper preparation for the responsibilities of marriage often does, so she would likely be able to get a decree of nullity on those grounds.

It's sad that situations like this happen, but that's why in my faith tradition, there is a certain amount of preparation, studying, meetings with the priest, etc. to help the couple understand what they are getting into and to help prevent divorce later on. People complain about "all the rules" but this is exactly why the rules exist.

Answer 2

As a Christian pastor, I'd ask this . . . were they married in a church, making their promises before God? No? Then they should have divorced a long time ago, what's the problem?

If they were married in a church before God, he stopped keeping his promise made before God a long time ago, so the question is how much longer does she need to keep her promise?

(I would point out that "a couple of children," in the "first few months" when things went "well," doesn't make a lick of sense. the time line doesn't work. . . . and now it's five years later, and he's still not around? The brother and his family deserve medals.)

Based only on what you've described, he'd not even trying to maintain his part of the agreement -- (even if he were a drunk, or high all of the time, the issue is he's not at home, he's left the family -- he's given up.) It's not even a question of "divorce."

He's not acting married, he's broken his promise and isn't even pretending to care. It's time for her to move on. He has.

Godspeed.

Answer 3

While divorce is not the best solution, sometimes it is the only one you are left with. You have not mentioned any adultery, but let's be realistic. If all of the things you have listed have actually occurred (and I do believe you), then there is a very good likelihood that adultery has been committed as well. In that case divorce is definitely allowed.

Re-marriage is ok after a certain period of time, say a year or two. Give your ex-spouse time to come to his senses and earn his way back into his family. People have been known to undergo miraculous change. I encourage you to pray for your husband, asking God to speak to his heart and bring him to the end of himself and his selfishness. I believe God wants to heal your marriage and your family. He can do it. Trust Him.

Answer 4

In the original blue laws for the Colony of New Haven (what became Connecticut) drawn up in 1665 it states: "No gospel Minister shall join people in marriage; the magistrates only shall join in marriage, as they may do it with less scandal to Christ's Church." Now the blue laws were comprised by Gov. Theophilus Eaton with the assistance of the Rev. John Cotton. Religion even then realized that marriage was a legal state and not necessarily a religious one. Connecticut realizes to not offer marriage to all is discrimination which is why we are one of the few states where same sex marriage is legal.

Answer 5

a question like this really depends on your religious beliefs. I have been through an almost identical marriage, and am now divorced. I didn't come to the decision easily and tried everything else first - but eventually, after praying about it and asking for a personal revelation on this, I filed for divorce and received one. I am better now - my kids are definately better now, and even my ex is better in some ways. Make it personal if you can....no way God wants us to stay in a situation like that.

Answer 6

Not knowing the entire story---

I would say that if she has remained faithful to her spouse she should feel zero remorse from a moral standpoint.

However, now one must deal with now.
IN ANY CASE, the renegade husband presently sounds like a fount of stumbling blocks to his wife and children--both spritually and in matters of daily existence.

He is making his own choices, and she cannot control them.

Compassion is a good thing (sometimes best exercised from a distance) but wishful thinking that is repeatedly proven fruitless may stem (even unconsciously) from a fear of change.

She must conserve her energy and insight in the interest of herself and the children to whom she is responsible. Anxiety and/or guilt over the past will drain this energy.

She must decide for herself---and, perhaps more significantly, for her children--- as to which choices/environments are likely to prove most beneficial in the long run. Compassionate, strong people, the ones anyone needs, will understand this. Those who seemingly can't understand may have their own agenda or baggage and may be attempting to "work it out" on someone else....

Remarriage? One major decision at a time! (see paragraph above)

She sounds like a strong individual who fortunately has supportive friends and family. I wish the best for her and her kids.

Answer 7

if he is not willing to help with the household and the marriage as a real man should do then leave him and find someone else that will.

it takes 2 people to make the marriage work. if the person has tried to get help for the marriage and the other doesn't want to work at it...then why live out your life in misery. God understands and he would want you to be happy.

Answer 8

The behavior described borders on abusive. I think the divorce is completely justified. In fact, as far as man's law, I know it is.

Most religions will find no issue with this. Personally, I think that you should just do what is right for you, and your children. If divorce is going to help (and it sounds like it would), then go for it.

Answer 9

She should have left long before it got that far... based on the facts stated the "husband" has not intention to change... she should take him for all he is, and ever will be, worth...

By The law of God... if neither of them were of The Church at the time they were married...and neither of them came to The Church prior to the divorce... then they are not bound by the Word or Will of God in this matter... The law for those of The Church is only binding on those of The Church....

what is The Church?....

All who come to God in The Way He prescribes receive His free gift of Salvation. Those become part of The Body of The Church. Those are the ones of The True Christian Faith.

Those of The Church are bound by certain Laws not of man... Divorce is only an option in certain very strict circumstances.... in this case mentioned... if the woman is of The Church... to state is as simple as possible... she could(and I would say should) divorce under man's law...but... by God's law she would be prohibited from remarrying and must remain celibate.

Answer 10

Corinthians 7: 10-16
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. 12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

17 Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches.

As you can see, there are very few Biblical reasons for divorce. Does your friend fit any of these?

The Bible says...
Colossians 3:18-19
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

A wife is called to submit to her husband as she would to the Lord. This calling is because we as women are rebellious! Do you know who Eve is? A wives submission is not dependent upon how well a husband loves his wife or on how good he is. Her submission is dependent upon her obedience to the Lord. Submission is not given in exchange for something.

I suggest that your friend (and every engaged/married woman) should read, "Created to be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl. It will fully explain the womans role in the marriage relationship, it frees woman to be all that they are meant to be. My relationship with my husband has been completely transformed. I've learned not to be critical, but to submit, love and support my hubby regardless of his behavior. My submission and respect has actually caused my hubby to love me more fully, more tenderly and in all things. Its done wonders for our love life, too!