Advice please with future dauthter in law. Over a year since we spoke. I been blamed for ruining HER wedding?

Question

She wanted a two week cruise wedding, and i had family coming in from other states that could not take two weeks, I also did not want to cruise. I believe family should be close and a wedding is "family". So she has said I ruined her wedding, and has not spoke to me since. This has deeply hurt me, because i have a big heart and would love to help, but she does not want my help. She said I had my wedding, let her have hers.

Answer 1

Ok people- there is such a thing as a dream wedding, but you also need to be realistic in executing her dream wedding. A two week cruise for a wedding is ridiculous, and surly you can not be the only one who objected to this!! What did her parents/ family think???
I think there is nothing wrong with calling to her attention that she is forcing guests to take two weeks off from their lives and pay a bunch of money to attend a wedding!
Destination wedding are one thing. Guests can decide when they come, when they leave and where they want to stay according to their budget and schedule. The soon to be daughter in law is not giving guests any options at all. I think you were right in calling this to her attention.
However, if bridezilla wants to spend two weeks on a boat with limited guests, then that is her choice, but she needs to see the reality of her choice and not have her head in the clouds thinking that everyone revolve their life around her because she is getting married.
I think she is using you as a scape goat for the reality of the situation. However, it's up to your son to step in and say something to her. If he doesn't do it now, I really hate to see what happens in 3 years!!

Answer 2

Well, you're both right. A two week cruise is selfish of her, honestly even one week is not fair. Many people only get a two to three weeks of vacation a year and it is not fair to ask them to take so much of it just for her. A weekend cruise would be much more appropriate and they can take a two week one as a honeymoon.
She is also right that you did have your wedding and she wants her chance to live her dream. You want your family (that's fair) but she wants her cruise. I don't know what ended up happening but a three day Friday-Sunday cruise would have been the best option to keep everyone happy. If you just don't want to do the cruise, sorry that needs to be her decision.Honestly, you DID have your wedding and she feels like she should get her chance to have hers the way she wants.
If your family could not take two weeks and she blamed you, it's not your fault. Your family is your son's family which will soon be her family, she needs to learn to respect them as her own.
As a future bride stuck in the middle of two family's opinions for our wedding, I can understand that maybe she just needed someone to blame for her frustration. You are doing the right thing for wanting to end the silent treatment.
I would recommend contacting her or your son to sit down with both of them for dinner and a chat. You both love your son and I'm guessing he's caught in the middle of an argument between the two most important women in his life, that's gotta be hard. Take them both to dinner and talk this out. By having your son there, he'll be witness to the conversation so nobody can misrepresent the conversation to him later. Also, he'll be a reminder of what you two have in common, love for him.

If she decided to go ahead with the cruise, tell her you support that and will be glad to go to the wedding. Ask if they will have a small reception a couple months later so your family can come and celebrate their marriage. If they haven't planned anything yet because of this, offer a compromise of a shorter cruise so family can attend. If they went with a more traditional wedding because of this situation, perhaps offer to send them on their honeymoon (if you can afford it). A peace offering gift may show you want to mend the relationship and hopefully she'll understand that.
Don't be offended that she doesn't want your help. She probably has too many people offering their "help" already, which means their opinions on every little thing she does. It gets hard to balance all of that.

Answer 3

What does your son think of all this? Is this the wedding he wants as well? How about her own mother? Is her side of the family able to afford/take a two week cruise? While a destination wedding is a great idea, I think most brides know they won't be attended by many of the people they'd like to have there.

Unfortunately, I agree with your future daughter in law. It is her wedding and she should have what she wants. You may believe that families should be close and that family should be at the wedding, but this isn't necessarily her belief. If getting married on a ship is her dream wedding, why shouldn't she have it? I think you need to speak with your son though and see if this is what he wants. At the very least, maybe they would be willing to have a smaller "family only" wedding when they get back from the cruise.

You said its been a year since you've spoke and that she blames you for ruining her wedding. This implies that she decided to not have the cruise after all but holds you responsible. If so, then you have your wish. The price you had to pay though was her love and respect. You'll have to find a way to make it up to her or just learn to tolerate her because she obviously only thinks about herself.

Answer 4

Ultimately, it is her wedding, even if you don't agree with her ideas. However, I do think the concept of a 2 week cruise wedding is way too much to ask of people. I've never heard of such a thing. The only suggestion I have is to apologize that she feels that you 'ruined' her wedding. That was not your intention at all. She probably feels hurt that you criticized her idea and is waiting for you to apologize since it's her wedding, she's the bride and it's her dream for her special day. Explain that most family members won't be able to attend a 2 week cruise so maybe between the two of you a compromise can be made. Maybe suggest that a reception can be held when she and your son return from their cruise and the family members who weren't able to attend the wedding cruise will be able to celebrate their union then. I hope this helps.

Best wishes!!

Answer 5

I for one would not want to cruise around for 2 weeks with all my wedding guests! Seems to me there would be enough wedding stress without being trapped on a boat with everybody and their opinions. But that's me. Understand your position and understand that it would be a very small group who could do the two week thing. I would say that evidently she doesn't feel the same way about family that you do. It is her wedding, so really the only thing you can do is accept the situation. Sounds like a good episode for Bridezilla's though. Maybe after the wedding you two can get back on better terms.

Answer 6

I don't quite understand how you "ruined" her wedding. If they wanted a cruise then they hsould have eloped and gone on a cruise. I don't know how she can think that people can afford to take 2 weeks off for her wedding, but that shouldn't stop her form have her wedding the way she wants it.

Also even though it is your son and her's special day, she still should be considerate of your family and her family's feelings. That is what unselfish people do, they care about family and want them to share in their special moments.

I'm not sure we know all the details, but I would suggest you do something to make peace and talk it out.

Answer 7

I think it's a little selfish of her to think that people will have the time or money (or health, even!) to spend on something like that. While some people say that it's the "bride's day" (which I snicker at), still, it's more sensible that if you would like guests to attend your wedding, try not to put them out too much, and unless it's stated as a small group only destination wedding, this is a little extreme. I think that it's very rude for her to say such things about you - you are the mother of her future husband. What does he have to say about all of this? If I ever disrespected my mother in law to be, my fiancee would kick me to the curb, and I'd do the same. I'm so sorry that you have to be made to feel like this. Talk to your son, and hopefully he can either work it out with her. Then after perhaps you and her can speak privately. I really hope it all works out for you.

Answer 8

One of my biggest peeves about weddings today is the prevailing "it's all about ME" attitudes that some "Bridezillas" get. It's almost as if the Bride thinks she's the prima donna, the groom is almost an afterthought, and everyone else are bit players, and it doesn't matter to her who is inconvenienced by such outlandish and EXPENSIVE sorts of plans like a two week wedding cruise!

It's almost as if the weddings of today are more about flaunting a "victory" than about being a true celebration of two people publicly committing their lives to each other. I agree with you regarding the concepts of weddings as for family and to a certain extent community, not as some overbudget Broadway musical extravagaza.

Quite frankly, I'd like to see more traditional and MODEST weddings make a comeback. You know, the kind of simpler and community oriented wedding/matrimonial services that are based on spiritual principals not the selfish desire for a fairy tale come to life. After all the late Princess Diana had that "fairy tale" wedding...and look what happened there!

At any rate, I've sung professionally at weddings and receptions for over 25 years, and I have been appalled at how increasingly materialistic, selfish, braggy and "bratty" the brides have become over the years. As for the grooms, most of them just seem to think all they have to do is show up. A lot of them aren't even involved in the wedding plans at all...nor are they encouraged to be, despite the fact it takes TWO to marry!

When talking to the bride and groom about songs/music for the wedding, it just blows my mind how inappropriately self-centered, sensual or maudlin some of the selections are. I once got a request for "Harden My Heart" by Quarterflash or even worse? "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic. Ugh. The woman's true love DIED and she's alone...HELLO? Sure wish some of these hyper-sentimentalist brides would get a clue...and stop making such embarrassing choices! I have a theory that one can almost predict whether or not the marriage will last based on the songs selected as well as the kind of vows read. The more highly "intimate" and voyeuristic feeling the vows are and the more sappier and sentimental "you and me against the world" type of songs selected, the more likelihood of a divorce. Also, I've noticed that the likelihood of future marital problems increases when the wedding invitations EXCLUDE the children in either the immediate or extended family.

I don't care what she says....You did NOT "ruin" her wedding, and don't let her guilt trip you like that. If she really wanted the kind of wedding that she wanted, then she should've done it anyway...and face the fact that not everyone will be there. It's not fair for her to hold a grudge for this long. In the end, she needs to quit acting so immaturely, and just take personal responsibility for her choices, including the type of wedding she going to have instead of lamenting about the wedding she wish she had.

Sadly, it's the mother-in-law that always seems to wind up being the "heavy" no matter the level of involvement or non-involvement. Hence the reason for so many tasteless and unfunny jokes about that particular family member. As a future mother in law myself, I personally think it's a shame that the bride or groom can't honor or respect the very woman who gave birth to the person they claim to love and want to marry...and showing such animosity toward the parents-in-law is a surefire way to start a marriage off on the wrong foot!

Now I know that you are hurt, but for the sake of peace in the family, you can be the "bigger" person, and extend that olive branch if you want to...

but in the end you may have to face the fact she doesn't want to be part of the life of the extended family. Some brides don't....they want the groom all to themselves. Sad, but true. She's the one making the choice to isolate herself...and this is in no way your fault.

Answer 9

I don't know many people who could take two weeks off in a row. I'm sure there was a compromise somewhere in the middle....like start the cruise, have the wedding, and whoever can't stay, fly home at the first port of call....and let the newlyweds carry on their merry way...but that's water under the bridge.

Answer 10

If she wanted a two-week cruise, she should have been prepared to accept the fact that a certain number of her invited guests may not be able to attend, and ALSO how to deal with the fallout when/if that happens.

You have not shared how she came to change her mind about the wedding in the first place. Were you very stuck in having to come? Did you put a lot of pressure on her to change her plans, or did she just pout and change the ceremony b/c so many people couldn't come?

As for how to go about speaking to her now, have you asked your son to talk to her a little, just to get her to see the other perspective??

Maybe you could send her a card to say hello, I think we should be in touch, we are wasting time not speaking, etc.

Good luck, and remember, if you are open to communication and she is not, you might just have to wait for her to grow up come around..