This is a question asking about your experience in dating or relationships. Not for the young and immature, but the grown and responsible men and women of YA! There is a young lady that has been a friend for about 2 years now. Interest has been shown from both sides but nothing ever confirmed. I have been played in the past in a relationship, where there was a mix up in the way i showed affection was by giving money or things that they wanted, cause I don't want my woman to want. Well it got to the point where it became expected and not appreciated, so we both moved on. So there is always hesitation on my part to engage a woman from that standpoint. I believe it could be affecting me to the point well it would hinder any other relationship, by me being skeptical. I "feel" she is playing games cause she would ask for things but if I ask what for it is a problem, cause I should "give" with a free heart. So I am curious to what YA, thinks about how their past can affect any relationship?
2007-08-20 06:24:58 · 26 answers · asked by Food For Thought 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Hey this is real good stuff please keep it coming!
I don't think I have baggage just hesitation about woman. I don't want to change my habit of being a giving person cause I have always promised I would not let the world change my CORE, that is me. However I can't be the only one that has a genuine good heart. Guess I am just a "Sucker" I at least want to get licked right!
2007-08-20 06:39:41 · update #1
IBD1 - Hey please don't get it twisted. I didn't buy love, nor was I trying to. When you become a man you will understand that when you are in a relationship you want to make and keep the other person happy so that you are kept happy whatever that entails. In this case what was me handling her needs (whatever they were) I would handle them. Not too many things that don't cost. Plus I am friends with another girl for 2 years who we are going to the next level but I am seeing traits of the past. So the bottom line is do you take a chance or be scorned. Now read slowly and take it all in. I look forward to more mature replies. Keep the good stuff coming!!
2007-08-20 06:48:02 · update #2
Everyone's past affect them in someway, whether it be good or bad. It's kinda the point in life...to make mistakes and grow from them. I guess it's a matter of what YOU are comfortable with. I personally wouldn't be buying a lot of gifts for someone who expected it. It honestly takes the fun away from it.
2007-08-20 06:32:34 · answer #1 · answered by Taj<3 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
In my experience with dating and serious relationships, it definite that past relationships, whether it be romantic encounters, or up bringing that effect us. Sometimes for good reasons, and some not-so-good. with your past relationship where you felt like things where "expected" this lesson has taught you, now to be aware that that can happen, and almost make you think at some point it will happen. All relationships, (at least healthy ones) should be give and take. Granted if you start a relationship with someone who is not as "well off as you" then there might be an automatic assumption that you might bring more and pay for more, When possibly getting into a relationship with someone in the future, when starting it would be a good idea to express your thoughts and feelings. And how you enjoy giving, but you do not want to be taken advantage of. This might seem a little awkward at first but, better you both have an understanding of what you wan and expect out of a relationship. I don't to be so drastic to say that a relationship is like a business, but to some degree it is. It takes time, planning , managing , knowing what both parties want and willing to except to make it work. Hope this helps.
2007-08-20 07:27:30 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It's not unusual to be hesitant to jump into a relationship after you've been burned, but you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to find a rewarding relationship if you can't even trust another woman enough to explore the possibilities. If this is truly the case, you might want to talk to a counselor about it.
Not everyone shows affection the same way or appreciates the same type of expression of affection. For example, some people feel loved when they are showered with gifts while others don't care about this and want verbal affirmation instead. Others prefer the touchy-feely stuff. There are some great books about this by Gary Chapman called "The five love languages". These might help you to understand where other people are coming from in relationships.
2007-08-20 06:47:22 · answer #3 · answered by Librarygal 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
IBD1, SRDuncan and Captain are all pretty much saying the same thing and they're right. If you're in a serious relationship then, of course, you take care of things. But if you're just starting and you're already buying her gifts then you're a sucker and you deserve to be served. It doesn't matter if you have millions or if you're broke, if you begin the relationship by buying her things then that's what will always be expected of you, nothing less and sadly, nothing more. Captain has the most eloquence but IBD1 is right on. To paraphrase Don Corleone you can start off by acting like a man!
2007-08-22 07:39:52 · answer #4 · answered by imbilbo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes your past can definitely affect your present. Thank God or we'd keep making the same mistakes over and over and over.
If a girl is your FRIEND then she shouldn't ask for things. She may ask to BORROW $10 for lunch or gas (and pay it back) but not expect gifts. Same as any guy friend.
If she is your GIRLFRIEND then she might HINT for gifts (wow, what a great sweater I bet I'd look great in that) or expect you to pay for dinner, movies etc.
If she is your WIFE, she can then say honey I need $20 for gas and expect to get it and not pay it back. At that point the money belongs to both of you.
However, you should never ever need to feel bad for saying: what for? You earned it and you have a right to know what it's being spent on.
Keep in mind though you might want to tread a little carefully when questioning your wife. If she asks for $20 and you say, for what? You might get the: Why do you ask? The best answer is always....well, I just wanted to make sure $20 is enough.
Next time she'll probably just tell you.
If you have a feeling you're being played you probably are. Trust your gut.
2007-08-20 06:45:35 · answer #5 · answered by Nic 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think you're setting yourself up to be hurt (or at a minimum, confused) by dynamics that surface when your giving comes into the picture. The obvious solution: stop putting yourself out there like that. Don't be so quick to want to give materially, particlarly from a distance. I know you 've said you don't want your woman to "want" for anything, and that's an admirable sentiment. But you have the cart a good deal ahead of the horse in that she's not firmly established as "your" woman yet, so any giving (beyond intangible expressions and parcels of your time) is largely premature right now. Presently she needs to be focused on getting to know "you" and not your wallet...but if the fruits of your wallet are what you constantly extend, she can hardly be blamed for getting the wrong impression, right? Realize that how you're perceived from a distance and through cyberspace will automatically be off-center from reality just a bit...throwing material items into the mix further skews the perception, so don't do it. It hurts you in the end, (as your past experience can confirm). Good luck to you.
2007-08-20 06:40:05 · answer #6 · answered by Captain S 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
It definitely does: after meeting some cheaters and liars my trust in men went down to 0, and I've never been able to fully trust a man again in my life. Of course this affects my relationships cuz they complaint that "they are paying for what someone else did", and maybe it's true but experience has taught me that it's ok to never trust anyone a 100%. That sounds pretty much like being burnt and maybe I am, but I prefer to be this way so I don't suffer as much again..... that's what experience leaves behind and you learn to live this way whether you want it or not.
Of course there are people who are better than others and they deserve a bit more credit... if such is the case I try to work hard to be more confident towards that person, to give them a lot of love, and just be nice until they prove they didn't deserve it.... then I just leave!
2007-08-20 06:34:53 · answer #7 · answered by Lprod 6 · 2⤊ 2⤋
dang, what kind of women hang around you? I have never EVER ever EVER asked any boyfriend (at the time) for ANYTHING other than fidelity and honesty. Money? What? You need to change your zip code where you hang out, apparently it's gold digger central.
Yes, your past can affect any and all relationships. IF you let it. Sometimes its good to reflect back and say "well I wont let that happen again" but it's never good to say "well she burned me, so that means all women are evil" (or men are pondscum, etc).
Good luck. Try finding a woman at a "nice" place. Like...church. Or the grocery store. Get a dog, walk in the park. Something.
2007-08-20 06:31:13 · answer #8 · answered by Munya Says: DUH! 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I know just what you mean. I was played in the past also and it took a while for me to believe any man that said they didin't want anything from me but just my love. I would never believe it. But at some point I had to stop being skeptical because it was ruining every relationship I ever tried to get into because I would always put that person in the same category.
2007-08-20 06:35:49 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
How can you ask for mature responses to such an immature posting? It's taken you 2 years to ask a woman out? Marriages are shorter than that. You won't date because you're afraid of being used? My God, you need help!! Just select a better woman and stop buying women things to impress them. Be yourself. If you feel like treating, do so. If not, don't. "I don't want my woman to want"... what the hell does that mean? You act like you're 13 years old. Grow up and act like a man!!!
2007-08-20 06:35:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋