I have a very old good friend who has an adult daughter. Her daughter is a very overbearing and sometimes rude person. We all used to socialize together. There has been friction between myself and the daughter in the past, to the point that I didn't socialize with her at all for some time. My friend has been aware of this, and has at times unfortunately been in the middle of these conflicts. More recently, we had all been socializing together again, infrequently. This friend and I have grown apart somewhat, and her daughter moved out of state, much to my relief.
Hostilities were renewed when this friend went in the hosptital for an fairly serious but common surgery. I'll just say this involved female parts. Her daughter announced the upcoming procedure during a dinner out with a group of friends at a restaurant. My friend acted embarrassed, and as if she would have preferred that it not be discussed. After checking to make sure she would be OK, I dropped the issue.
2007-08-20 05:08:53 · 11 answers · asked by mrthing 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
After the surgery, my friends daughter sent me a very insulting email, basically telling me what a lousy person and lousy friend I was for not being at the hospital when my friend had the surgery. The problem was I didn't know when the surgery was. She refused to accept this as an excuse, maintaining that I should have been checking in with her to find out when the sugery would be. The daughter maintained her insultuing tone to the last.
This daughter is now being married. I have recieved an invitation to the wedding. I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings, but I also have no desire to attend this wedding. Frankly, if I never see the daughter again, it will be fine with me.
If I send a nice gift with well wishes, will that be enough to honor my friendship with the mother? Do you think my friend's feelings will be hurt? I have not mentioned the surgery issue to her at all, but I am pretty sure she knows. I really would like to hear what you think.
2007-08-20 05:13:04 · update #1
tyrsdottir: My friend has made a full recovery from her surgery. As soon as I knew that she had it, I send gifts and some flowers, as she was recovering at the daughter's house. We have since spoken and been on good terms. I have just never brought up the way the daughter acted during that time.
2007-08-20 05:26:23 · update #2
To complicate matters further, this wedding is out of state, and no accommodations are being offered to the guests.
I am thinking this will be too small a wedding for me to just "blend in" with the crowd.
2007-08-20 05:36:01 · update #3
The daughter probably only sent you an invitation so as to not hurt her mother's feelings. From what you've said, I doubt she would really want you there.
I'm sure your friend will be understanding if you choose not to attend the wedding of someone you don't get along with. Without having you there, she will be able to focus on her daughter, and not have to worry if you two are going to have another personality clash. It may hurt her feelings a little bit, but she'll probably also be relieved if you have an excuse as to why you can't make it.
I would send a nice gift and stay home.
~Kyanna
2007-08-20 06:17:43 · answer #1 · answered by Kyanna S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, sending a nice gift is enough. You will feel truly uncomfortable if you go to this event, and with your not wanting to be there, it may show in your personality if you were to go. Dont let that hurt your friendship. You can talk to your friend and tell her that you have another obligation on that weekend, but you would like to know where she is registered because you do want to send your best wishes out to her and her new husband. Your friend should understand this. She should also understand that her daughter is an adult and as adults you dont get along with her. Her daughters relationship to you should have nothing to do with your friendship to her mother. At the end of the day this is who has stood by your side all these years. Good luck hun. Another option (if it is close to home) is to call your friend and say that you can make it to the wedding.. but will not be able to attend the reception. This way you make an apearance, but do not have to stay for the festivities. Good luck again.
2007-08-20 12:21:56 · answer #2 · answered by shadowsthathunt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You and your friend should be able to have a relationship without her daughter involved unless she views it differently. If that be the case, you may lose the relationship but that sounds better than dealing with an obnoxious boor. There is no need for you to attend the girl's wedding and if your friend asks just offer whatever explanation you are comfortable giving. She obviously knows from your past encounters with her daughter that you and she don't get along so send a gift and be done with her.
2007-08-20 13:46:59 · answer #3 · answered by dawnb 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not a member of the family so you are not obligated to attend the wedding - especially out of state. End of story.
As for a gift for the girl... if you dont like her - dont get her anything! Period. What would be nice, perhaps, is if you bought YOUR FRIEND a nice plant or something with a note that says something like "Hoping this gift helps you celebrate the joy in the wedding of your daughter".
2007-08-20 13:46:09 · answer #4 · answered by Valerie H 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you and your friend have let this daughter impact a long-standing relationship.
Go to the wedding for your friend's sake (it's not every day she gets to be Mother of the Bride!) and give the horrible young woman a gift that she can't help but be touched by. The daughter will be so busy being Queen that you'll hardly have to deal with her, and your presence (or absence) will be meaningful to both of them. Kill her with kindness!
. . . and since it's out of state, make it a vacation for you so the whole trip isn't about this wedding.
2007-08-20 12:27:47 · answer #5 · answered by . 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should give her a call and talk about all of it with her, starting with "I was thinking of you during your surgery, I hope it went well."
As to visiting people having surgery, having been in the hospital a fewtimes, I can tell you that from my view, the fewer visitors, the better. You are there to recover, and between nurses poking you, trying to eat, and visiotrs, there's never enough time to get enough sleep.
That's my experience anyway.
I would only visit someone if they indicated they want me to.
As to the wedding, better to not go and cause (much less be subjected to) friction, in my view. But if your friend's feelings concern you, do discuss it with her. Chances are just as good that she only sent you the invite because SHE was concerned about YOUR feelings.
Talk with her.
Best of luck, whatever you decide.
2007-08-20 12:21:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Send a gift to your friend and ask her to forward it to the Happy Couple. There is a pretty good chance that if you sent it directly to the daughter she wouldn't mention it to your friend and your gesture wouldn't achieve the desired result.
2007-08-20 12:23:26 · answer #7 · answered by mummyuk999 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds as if this daughter would be very happy to have your presents instead of your presence.
Send a nice letter to her mother as well.
2007-08-20 12:29:33 · answer #8 · answered by beckini 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
yes! send the gift with a nice note and call it a day.
2007-08-20 12:17:35 · answer #9 · answered by lb13 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, sounds tuff! But, you should go to the wedding, sit with your friend, but leave after the i-do's happen. Say you have to meet your ________. And you are very sorry to leave but must meet your________. Good luck!
2007-08-20 12:20:41 · answer #10 · answered by 8Melody8 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋