Why is it that certain women allow themselves to be controlled by insecure, disrespectful men?

Question

I had just e-mailed an Answers user to show her how to allow contacts, because she didn't realize that she wasn't allowing contacts to add her, and asked me to explain how to change this. The very next day she sent the following, "I am adusting my profile and info as requested by the man I love. He worries for me and I love him to much to even care to argue his points." Of course now even her profile name has changed to "...", and she is no longer allowed to accept e-mails, contacts, nor IM's. I would never have such a lack of love and respect for my girlfriend as to dictate to her how she can use her time online(and if she accepted such behavior from me, I'd no longer be with her, because I'd no longer respect her). Why do women stay with losers like this? What is the driving force that causes a woman to have such low self-respect that they'd stay in such an unhealthy relationship? It's pretty sad, in my opinion.

Your thoughts?

Wendy, Jenna, Cyn, and Girly - You all gave very good answers. Thanks you for sharing your personal experiences with us. You have given a lot of insight into this problem.

Mark - You're right... abuse isn't a gender issue, it's a Human issue. Both males and females can be abusers (and abusees). Those who experience abuse as children can go either way, depending upon their genetic makeup, and the kinds of abuse experienced. Thank you for sharing your own experience. I myself witnessed this with my father's third wife, she was emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive - she even shot at my father with a shotgun at one point (and my father is no winp by any means). After I had a talk with him about it, he left her and went back to his second wife (who is now his fouth :) ). Here's a short page that has some more info of the abuse of males- http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse/maleabuse.htm

Konnie - The question is both... why do abusers abuse and why do abusees take it. In my experience in every case I've heard of it comes down to both sides being abused or being around abuse as children.

Peter - Very good points - I know a few woman who are exactly as you've just described

Drowzee - Damn, girl, you always give good answers. Very good insight. I agree with everything that you've said.

Rebel - You also give good answers. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Very impressive.

Sybil - It's sound like you've found a kind, caring master to allow you "live life". You must be a very happy lap-dog.

Haha - The fact that you don't realize that this kind of behavior is abusive is very telling. It makes me wonder how your parents treated each other

Tallooolah - His very well might be bigger than mine. My girlfriend got a kick out of your reply, because when we have sex she orgasms three times to every one of mine, on average. I may only have an average sized penis, but we're a perfect fit. ROTFL

Sapient - I realize that with the information that I've given you, YOU wouldn't have enough to be able to determine anything. The person has seen this question and has provided me with a lot more personal info (which I don't feel comfortable sharing... if she wants to, she will post in here) that just makes me realize that my conclusion is sound. As for me "letting it go" I have no emotional investment in this other than a realization that this sort of behavior stems from a cycle of abuse. Anyone who has a sense of civic responsibility should do whatever they can to prevent child abuse, which is an integral part of the cycle of abuse. The best way to do this is to educate adults who are in the cycle, so that they have enough information to be able to break the cycle. The fact that you seem to be against this is also somewhat telling.

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.html

http://mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8476&cn=2

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://ezinearticles.com/?Mental-Abuse---The-7-Most-Important-Things-To-Know&id=60849

Sapient - Um, one person trying to control their partner is a form of abuse - http://www.abusefacts.com/abuse/

Maybe you should educate yourself before you post. Children are always a part of the cycle of abuse, whether it be past abuse, current abuse, or future abuse.
Why do you assume that I care if this person contacts me? You are totally misguessing my intentions, and making yourself look foolish.

Answer 1

Well, first I'd say that what she said certainly isn't enough information to know what actually happened. People lie sometimes. If she wasn't lying, there could be a bigger story behind what she said that you don't know. Something that happened in the relationship that is too personal to tell you. So don't be too quick to judge without the whole story.

Regarding the last part of your question about how women can be with men that are insecure and disrespectful. We can only speculate what happens in each others lives, as all these unknown events effect who we become as adults and how we relate to the people around us. I know I've made some poor choices in men in the past and put up with more than I should have, but I learned from those mistakes so I don't regret them. (I've also known men who put up with things they shouldn't in their relationships too. It's not just a woman thing!)

If she is in fact in a controlling relationship, this is certainly something she will need to figure out for herself. You'll need to let this go, as it's really not your issue.

Answer 2

I feel your rage towards men who are disrespectful toward women. When I watch the movie of Charlize Theron NORTH COUNTRY, I thought it is just an ordinary drama story I never realize it was about women's fight for their rights as Union workers in Misouri I think on an Iron and steel company. There for the first time the company hired women as co-workers of a male dominated company as truck drivers, and oil cleaners but the problem is they were sexual harassed every day by their male colleagues. Some guys draw pictures or wrote words such as BJ on the wall of the women quarters. Some touch their butts on a given opportunity. For me women should be respected as men. No more no less. We all have a mothers or a sisters. I donot go to brothels, because I will never enjoy it anyway so why go there in the first place. I too is a sensitive person. At 15 you are now aware of your surroundings which is good for your sake in this world. Just like I always say in this world EVIL that MEN DO. The only conclusion why there are men who are disrespectful about women is that they were never cared for by their moms when they were little. Some grow up on orphanage or other families not their own. This are findings from psychiatrist evaluation of two child born one is place in one orphanage but the other one with the mother. As time goes, the one who grow up with the mom went to school and become somebody. On the other hand, the one who grow in the orphanage become a hoodlum and was gunned down by the police in later life.

Answer 3

It is very common for most women to go for that at least once in her life. Eventually they tend to mature out of it. Confidence a man may display is often mistaken for arrogance and/or much worse.

For what it is worth, this situation sounds like she really dug him looking out for her well-being. She preferred to let it go and appreciate it rather than tell him to pound sand. I'm not so sure it would have been a battle I would have sought either, to be honest. I would have thanked him and told him delicately that I know to be careful. Sometimes a man wants to feel protective. It is not always the same as controlling. A smart woman will learn to tell the difference and appreciate that stuff.

Answer 4

It sounds like she has no self esteem, and on top of that she fears being alone. Some women would much rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship at all. Personally, if I were her, I'd tell the guy to fvck off. I do what I want to do, if he doesn't like it he can leave. Unfortunately not everyone has a backbone. Some women need the constant feel of being in a relationship and therefore hop from one to another without thinking about the consequences and who they are getting involved with. When things start getting bad, they make excuses for the worms they are with and convince themselves that their decisions are worthless compared to those of the "men" in their lives. These type of women seek self validation through the decisions of their men. They have no sense of who they are and therefore allow themselves to be manipulated and mistreated while going through the motions of a horrible existence of slavery, self sacrifice, and sorrow.

Answer 5

It has everything to do with low-self esteem and also recognize that these are abusive behaviors (albiet emotional, but still abusive) generally abusers prey on the lack of self esteem in others, and put them down, recognizing that the less self-respect a person has, the easier it is to control them.

I just recently got out of a very similar situation. But my control-freak didn't know about me being on Y!A or he would have attempted to control it. His target was my myspace profile which I predominantly use to keep in touch with family and old friends from places I used to live (i moved around alot growing up). Anyway, the psycho had issues with me having ANY male friends (even married ones with kids halfway across the country who left the occasional "so, whats going on in your life these days" comments)

It went way beyond the internet though, when I went back to school last year, he used to come with me to my classroom and sit outside on a bench waiting for me because he wanted to "make sure" that I had no male contact.

I should also add that while he refused to "allow" me to have male contact, he also tried everything he could to drive a wedge in between me and my family members, and most of my female friends saying "they are just wh0res who want me out of your life" (which they did, but out of love for me, and were never anything but polite to him)

*I let* this go on for close to 2 years, at first it was flattering, honestly, never before had a guy "cared that much". Part of it was believing that I was such a bad person that he was what i deserved. Then it became a crutch, my blaming him for all the distance in my friends and family relationships.

About a month ago I woke up and realized he was only able to control what I let him control. I walked away, not easily, and haven't looked back.

I still have issues with self-esteem, but without that person preying on it, my ability to work on myself and let go of those negative parts of me has increased ten-fold without his influence

Answer 6

In my opinion and based on my experience, some women want to be wanted and needed so badly that they will stick with anyone. I have no doubt that some of them would rather be emotionally abused than ignored for even a moment.

In some respects it has a lot to do with the woman's absolute need to be with someone at any cost and her inability to make an impartial evaluation.

I would prefer to give equal blame in this scenario. Some men can be pricks, but they are only going to be that way for as long as the g/f lets them. When a woman goes from one bad relationship to another you have to look at the common element in all of those relationships--the woman herself.

Answer 7

I am currently in a situation similar to this. Before we were married my wife was very pleasant to be around, she hid it well. I was her third marriage, this should have been a BIG RED FLAG to me. However, foolish me, I thought I could help. After we got married, she started acting differently. It was like a switch flipped. Now, im a very laid back person. Totally opposite of her. I could have any friends or talk to my Family. Thats when it kinda became obvious to me that I was in a bad place.
Except, in my case ,itwas her treating me badly, and disrespecting my family and of course we would have arguement after arguement. We bumpedheads, non-stop....Everyday this went on. She was the Queen of manipulation. It got to the point where we couldnt even focus as a couple. She was so obsessed w/controlling me. I just got numb to her. She caused so much pain w/the hategul things she would say and accuse me of out of her own insecurity.
I learned that she was lashing out at me becaused she was abused as a child and that was all she new. When I brought her the real thing she couldnt function w/it. Very bad situation. I tried to get her help, but she has to want it first. Of course she refused. I tried everything I could think of.
Anyways, we are seperated now. Looking like it will end up in divorce. I was so unhappy for those 1 1/2 years we were together. I had to get a restraining order. Still she tries to manipulate though internet. Like Yahoo Answers, for instance, she tried to get me to add her as a contact or fan so she can try and assert control here. I said "Hell No"!!! Shes psycho!!! God be with her, cause I couldnt help her.
I hope this gives you some insite into the mind of one of these girls.

Answer 8

For my past experience, it was because he initially gave me self-esteem and then eventually ripped it out from under me. He made me feel like I could never find anyone else to love me (why would anyone else love me, after all?) and he had a weasling way of apologizing. It wasn't until my second year of college when I realized he was controlling every moment of my life to the point where I didn't have a life and I ruined my whole first year of college because of him.

Unfortunately, I think women just have to open their eyes because I have a love now I never thought existed with my husband. Dropping that guy was the best thing I could have done, but you have to see it for yourself. No one can tell you you're in a bad place.

Answer 9

This is the dilemma of the abused woman. Women like this don't love themselves and can't see that what their man is doing to them (by controlling their every move) is actually a form of abuse.
I just finished reading a book called "God's Brothel" about women who escaped from polygamous marriages, and the things that they went through would make your hair stand on end.
My question is not why do women allow it, but why do men do this? I guess from your standpoint, being a man, it is difficult to understand why a women would put up with a man like that, but when a woman thinks very little of herself, she believes everything the man she love tells her, especially when he tells her it is for her own good.

Answer 10

Yeah, it's amazing the degradation some people will tolerate just to be within a relationship. Didn't you know, there's NOTHING worse than being ALONE!!! *rolling eyes*

I once dated a guy who consistently belittled me in his own little twisted passive-agressive ways, so I dropped his @ss. My sister-in-law actually accused me of being "overselective" and criticized my inability to accept people's faults. If having standards is a man repellent, then I guess I'm destined for a life of solitude, which in my opinion, is the preferable alternative to staying in a miserable relationship.