Should my fiance discipline my daughter in front of me?

Question

Last night, my 9 year old daughter got mouthy when I told her it was time for bed, and I told her that if she continued to be disrespectful, she would be grounded. She did continue, and my fiance jumped in and yelled at her that she was grounded, and then she kept it up and he yelled that she was grouned for two days. I felt like he "stepped on my toes" by intervening in my disciplining my daughter. I definitely want him to be on the same page with me when it comes to disciplining her, but lately he's been telling me how to discipline her and becoming really controlling almost. One other side note to mention is that my daughter and I just moved in with him 3 weeks ago. He was not like this before we moved in. I'm feeling smothered and undermined. Also, he constantly brings up how "good" his daughter is. It's really getting under my skin. I guess my question here is should my fiance be able to discipline my daughter with me there? He is not her father nor her stepfather. Help, please!!

Answer 1

If you want a future with this guy then you have to let him into your daughters life aswell. If you are going to chastise her maybe do it in another room to your partner. There may be some resentment there because his daughter does not live with him. It has only been three weeks, give it a bit more time.

Answer 2

Ok i have a 7 year old and have been with my fiance for 3 years we have a 2 year old together and we have actually sat down and talked about this. He is allowed to discipline her to an extent you cant marry someone and expect them to do nothing then that teaches your daughter that she can do whatever she please cause he can not tell her anything taht will eventually lead to the whole " you cant tell me anything ur not my father" I would talk to him and tell him that he may discipline her but the two of you should decide what the punishment should be together" as my fiance is allowed to send my daughter to her room, take away the tv, stuff like that and has occassionally popped her hand for soemthing that she really should not have been doing(if i'm not there) but for the most part i do the actually (spanking). I dont think he has ever actually yelled at her though but it's something u 2 have to sit down and discuss ppl do change when they move in together though

Answer 3

If you are going to be living together and make this work, the "my daughter" philosophy needs to go. You cannot realisticly expect to be a committed couple with a child and then have your new husband leave all the major issues like discipline up to you. Your husband cannot take the place of your daughter's biological father, but do you want her to see him as an important figure in her life or "that new guy Mom got married to"?

If you have issues with how he is acting towards your daughter, you need to sit down with him alone when your daughter is out of the room and discuss your feelings. The idea is for the two of you to present a united front with a set of rules and consequences that you both agree on. There's no playing "good cop, bad cop" here. Your fiance should not be your daughter's sole disciplnarian, but nor should you. Because you have both agreed upon what the rules are, your daughter sees that you are working as a team and that she cannot expect different treatment from each of you.

In addition to setting down the rules, talk with your fiance about your concerns. Tell him you appreciate his feedback on how to handle your daughter's behavior, but remind him that you have known your daughter longer than he has and that the tw of you need to use your combined knowledge to figure out the best strategies for her. Also, let him know that parenting is not a competition to you and you don't appreciate him comparing "your" daughter's behavior with "his" daughter's.

Your fiance may not be your daughter's stepfather currently, but he is going to be. You made the choice to live with him before marriage and make him a part of your daughter's life. It will make very little sense to your daughter if you keep your fiance out of parenting her before you marry, then expect him to act completely differently after you're wed. The seeds for a happy blended family need to be planted now, not after the honeymoon ends.

Answer 4

Well, the key is that you two have an understanding beforehand. This issue shouldn't have any surprises like him jumping up and grounding her like that, and your daughter needs to be in on this also. You are making a huge mistake living with him before you are married. Your daughter deserves an orderly transition into living in a new house and having a new father, and he needs at least some ability to discipline her as well. You need to have a talk with him, and then a talk with all three of you and have an understanding, that is, is he going to be "dad" or not? If you are living there then effectively he is and you can't just leave him out, because he's in fact right there in the soup.

Answer 5

I think you need to first express how you are feeling to you fiance then, about how he compares your daughter to his.If you are going to spend your life with this guy he will have to get some sort of respect from your daughter too, especially if he is helping you raise her. they have to built there own respectful relationship and understanding.

Yes, I feel he should be able to discipline you daughter but in a certain way for now until she get the hang of ya'll big change.
You fiance at this time should do more of backing you up! In which he did, you discipline her though, she still choose to talk back . I understand why he saw the need to step in. I would only be alarmed if he mistreated her or treated her different than his own.

Your daughter is going threw her own change sometimes children rebel when there are new situations such as a new man in there mom life.

So, why don't ya'll talk to her more often about family things, ask her how she feel what she feel that can make the situation better and work with her, she is a child but they have feeling and alot of times they don't know how to express them.


good luck

Answer 6

there are a couple of issues here:

1) you say he is not her stepfather, yet you have moved in with him, so this creates a mixed msg btwn your actions (living together) and you spoken word (he's not a stepfather). yeah, he's not legally her stepfather, but you are play-acting like he is.

2) it doesn't matter how he acted before you lived together, because living together will be your status once you get married. so you should take his behavior now into account as you evaluate if you want to get married. lots of single parents delay marriage until their children leave the house for this very reason. once married, he will be involved with disciplining your child. if that is uncomfortable for you, then perhaps you shouldn't be adding another person to your family right now.

why complicate your and your daughter's lives and the health of your relationship by creating a stepparent environment? if you are already seeing indications of major issues with childrearing and discipline, don't worry about who's right or who's wrong, just worry about what will create the most stable, consistent environment for your daughter. move back out, continue to date your fiance, but don't think that the marriage will be blissful while you have a child at home. the child will likely rebel against him ("you're not my father, you can't tell me what to do, i'm telling my mom on you...") and you will often take her side. there is a reason why second marriages have WAY higher divorce rates than first marriages. take these things into consideration and put your daughter, not your libido, first.

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Answer 7

I think as long as you are present you should be the one to discipline your child. You have to decide how your daughter is to be disciplined and have a talk with your fiance' about that. You have to decide how much you want him involved in disciplining her. You both have to agree on how she should be disciplined (no yelling, etc). Then you have a have a talk with your daughter about your fiance's role in her life and that he will now be helping you to raise her so he will be disciplining her and she should mind him. This can all be worked with with proper communication. You have to understand that you have made a commitment to this man and he will be a part of your daughter's life from here on in.You want them to have a good relationship so discussing it up front is the key. Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

Well if it is bugging you than you should talk to him about it. You both are in a relationship and should be able to communicate about everything. Let him know how you feel. Tell him that instead of yelling at her, talk to her. She is offcourse a child. Buy just doing that you are reinforcing her behavior. And talk to your daughther as well, what's bugging her and why it is inappropriate to be disrespectful like that for no reason. Be intuned with her since it is a new thing for her.

Since all of you are living toghther, both of you should have a stance on these issues. Get to disscusin = )

Answer 9

the truth is, it's CONFUSING for the child, when a step parent "steps on your toes"... he isnt' the parent YOU are.

meanwhile, if you are engaged, why haven't you had a discussion about disicipline and your daughter? have you discussed finances, the future, goals and ambitions at all?

before we got married i made it clear to my future husband that MY children were my responsibility, and although i was sure he would occasionally find himself in charge of them while i was out at the store, or whatever, for the most part, i insisted on parenting them myself...

he had his own kids...

of course, i expected my children to abide by the house rules, which were set by either of us.

if you are feeling undermined, smothered and as if you're engaged to a control freak, you might need to rethink the relationship..... things won't get better if you don't discuss this, either. people don't change for the better after you get married, as a rule... you get what you get before you say I DO..

if you haven't known this man for over 1-1/2 years, you need more time to observe him, and make a decision.

perhaps you could do a Yahoo search on SETTING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES for starters?

Answer 10

HELLO.........My man MR. fluke hit the nail on the head, I couldn't have said it any better. Read his answer........before I did, that was the reading I got, heed these. Girl, you're descriptions go beyond just your daughter. When you moved in with him, you put the ball in his court, after your child, you'll be the primary target for his "closet abuse". You might want to make you're "escape preparations", or you may be a witness to the escalation. I'm hoping this prediction doesn't come to fruition, you'll need to be ever vigilant.....LATER.....