When and how to tell a child her dad isn't her biological father?

Question

I have a two and a half year old daughter (3 in December). The man she calls daddy (and who has brought her up since she was one) is not actualy her real father. My daughter has no contact with her real dad (through his choice) and has no idea who he actually is.
I'm really not sure when or even if i should ever tell her that her dad is not her real father. and how i should go about doing this?
please help, any info would be great from people who have been in a similar situation on know anything about this subject.

Thank you in advance!

Answer 1

My eldest sister has a different father to me & my other sister.. she didnt know that she had a different dad until she was around 10 yrs old. I am not to sure how she found out.

Also my partners nephews (10&8) dont know who there real father is they have a "daddy" that they love dearly he just isnt there biological father..

thier mum doesnt think they are old enough to handle the truth just yet because she thinks that when there "daddy" will try to disapline them they wont listen as he isnt thier "real" dad!!

it's a hard decision to make really.
you will know one day that your little one is ready for the truth.

good luck with it all

also I agree with what is said above.. it doesnt matter who her biological father is it's about the lover that her daddy shows & not who is the sperm doner.

Answer 2

You absolutely have to tell your son. My son hasn't seen his dad since he was 2 - over 28 years ago. He has no interest in seeing him but I still always left the option open. You may have to track down your son's biological father and have him sign rights over before mentioning adoption to your son. Make sure it'll happen. He sounds like he's not interested and would probably be thrown in jail for 6 yrs back child support owing so would be relieved to sign away his rights pending you saying you won't go after the money. Then sit down with your son and explain things to him. He'll probably be delighted to know your husband wants to be able to legally call him his son - what an honour. My hubby is adopted and by the time he looked for biological parents, his bio Mom was long since dead and nobody knew who his Dad was. He'd give his arm for 5 minutes with whoever it was. Your son will always have the option knowing who the person that fathered him was, of going and meeting him one day if he's ever interested. If he's like my boy, he won't. But you must be honest with him.

Answer 3

Right away. Just keep telling her that while this is her daddy and he loves her, he didn't make her. It's not a good idea to wait till they are older because it will be a terrible blow to them. My husband was raised by his mother and a step father from the time he was three and was told right away that he wasn't his real father, but he was his dad. My husband still till this day doesn't know who his real father was and quite honestly I don't think his mother knew anyway. She made up a different story every other week about who it was (due to her being an alcoholic and drug user) so please be straight forward about who the real father is when your daughter starts asking you about him. Don't tell her he doesn't want anything to do with her, just say he wasn't ready to be a dad yet and maybe someday he will be. Good luck.

Answer 4

When your child is in junior high, she will take a biology class and learn about heredity. That might be the time. Do so, however, only when the daddy she's known all her life is there to reassure her that she'll always be his little girl. On the other hand, if she starts asking why she doesn't look like daddy at some point earlier than that jr. high bio class, you and your hubby might try to explain it to her in simpler terms that a child can understand. Right now, she has a daddy and that's good enough.

Answer 5

A friend of mine was not told until she was in high school that her "dad" was not her real dad and she was mad at her mom for not telling her the truth when she was younger. She now has a good relationship with both her biological dad and her step-dad.
You didn't say if you were married to this man. If you are not married you need to tell her or she will wonder why she has a different last name. If you are married and he has not adopted her, she will wonder the same thing. It is not good to keep things from your kids. My friend didn't talk to her mom for almost a month after she found out. She actually came to live at my house because she was so furious.

Answer 6

He will always be her daddy and she is lucky to have that but she must know the truth-otherwise there is the possibility that when she eventually does find out and she will, she will resent you for keeping it from her. She is too young to understand now but as she gets older she may ask questions like how did you and daddy meet? etc and these are perfect opportunites to explain the situation to her.
I am now a mom of ten great kids but when I met my husband he was a widower with two young girls aged three and one.
He had lon since been separated from their mother and they had very little contact with her as she was an alcoholic so they came to know me as mommy. As much as I loved the fact that I was close to them I knew it was important for them to know as much as we could tell them about their mom and for them to realise that biologically I was not their mom. It happened easier than you might think as once they were a little older they asked questions about our relationship and when we married when they were three and five they bagan to understand the situation.
I am glad they knew the full story from an early age-I am no less a mom to them because of this. We are extemely close and they call me mom(by their choice)but there are no secrets and no cover ups-which is important in any trusting relationship.
Good Luck

Answer 7

He is the father in the practical sense, and he should move to adopt her too legally.

The biological dad who wants no part of her is a dead beat and should be held accountable in court. The child will then get to know who also pays for her, and this will bring him perhaps closer over time to her. What a Lucky child to possibility have two males who would love her. The one present is enough, but two would be a great blessing, and would help you start a college fund: with his child support stacked away.

Answer 8

its ok to tell her, when you think she is old enough to understand. just remember not to say bad things about her real father, even though its his choice to not be involved you want her to know that even though you and him didnt work out, you got the best thing out of that relationship and that is her. my ex fiance went through this, except he wanted more than ever to see his daughter but the mother wouldnt let him, he ended up having to sign his rights over so his ex's husband could adopt the little girl. i have talked to the mother and she says that when she is old enough to understand completely she will tell her everything, but you have to make sure she really understands, just remember its going to be really confusing and hard for her at first. my dad adopted me when i was 1 (i'm 22 now) my mom told me everything when i was 13 except my mom does what i told you that you shouldnt do, she talks bad about my real dad all the time (she has her own reasons) i dont like it because i would like to be able to make up my own mind about him, i have met him a few times and we get along great. you just have to let things happen, everything will turn out the way it is meant to.
by the way, you have a great guy...any guy that can step up and be a father when they dont have to, gets two big thumbs up from me.

good luck to you both, i hope i made sense.

Answer 9

Are you married to the man? Would he be interested in adopting?

You should treat this situation as if he had adopted her. Tell her that her bilogical father wasn't able to take care of her. Although the last thing you want to do is lie to her, don't say that he didn't want her. Tell her that the man that she calls daddy is her dad, even if it isn't biological.

Answer 10

My daughter is 5 yr. old
Since she was 2, I married another man and he loves her unconditionally. Her biological father does too. She calls both of the daddy. She is so proud she has 2 daddies. We didn't explain to her how come she has 2 dads, because it is early and she wouldn't understand. But we will if she asks.