My b/f and I have lived in his house for 1 year now. In the begining he had begged me to move in, told me how he wanted to marry me and have children, basically persued me completely and was the sweetest most perfect boyfriend ever, I've been under no doubt that he is the one for me, and I cuold envision, like I have with no other man that we would be together forever. A few months ago the committment issue came up, and he started to say "He didn't know if he can give me what I want", and "he is not sure about us" and "It's because I hate myself that I can't committ to you". So, as you would expect I was devastated. He even told me "He didn't want to be with me!". But then, when I said I was moving out, he begged me to stay, and said "I'll put you on the mortgage, that;s a comittment isn't it?" I thought yes, but he lied to me and never did anything about it, even though he said he had. I then looked into moving out and buying a flat, I've found the perfect place, but.....
2007-08-19 21:28:23 · 29 answers · asked by Blossom 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
... he is begging me not to go and telling me I am ruining the relationship, he says iti s a backwards move, he says he will be ready to comitt in a few months, I don't think I believe him after everything else he has said, but what if he does and I have taken out a mortgage??? What should I do - Stay or go?
2007-08-19 21:30:14 · update #1
Hi, Thank you for all your encouraging messages, I went ahead and am beginning proceedings for getting the flat. BUT, I have been really late on my period, and because of this i decided to do a pregnancy test, it was positive, he has gone completey nuts, he is saying I have trapped him and telling me to get a termination, which is something I would never do. This has ruined everything as this morning I was going ahead with the new flat. Can I still go ahead with it, or would it be stupid to get into a mortage??? I don't want to stay with him, he has hurt me so much, he has been so horrible to me this evening, and telling me, that he does not want to be a dad, and how it's the worst thing that could ever have happend, he is making me feel terrible, but can I cope with moving out on my own financially?? Should I still do it????/
2007-08-20 08:48:40 · update #2
Take a baseball bat to him.
2007-08-19 21:33:09 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
A lot of men seem to have 'commitment issues' and your guy sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. He is looking for excuses not to commit. A lot of men will 'beg you to stay' because they need the security of someone there for them and don't want to be alone.
I would suggest that you go ahead and get your 'perfect place' and leave him to toy with his commitment issues. It will push him to make a decision one way or another.
Another word of advice - commitment is a big issue and before you jump into something just be sure that ' he is the one' and he should be as excited about the relationship as you are. If you have to force him into choice you may regret it further down the line when things don't work it. It is easy to hung up on the idea of a firm relationship and we convince ourselves it is the right person.
When it is Mr Right you will both know - commitment is something that is serious and the right person will be as excited as you.
He may need time to think and by getting your perfect place he will need to sort himself out.
You need to read the advice and then think about your situation and make your own decisions.
Good luck
2007-08-20 05:10:42 · answer #2 · answered by sunfunsea 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
GO!! What if he isn't ready to commit in a few months, why isn't he ready to commit now? Don't lose the perfect place, I'm sorry but he doesn't know what he wants and he'll end up making you doubt yourself.
He's having second thoughts about being with you, don't go on the mortgage with him because if anything happens it's very hard to get out of and you could end up losing a lot of money (I did!!) get your own place it's the best solution.
Good luck.
2007-08-20 04:35:12 · answer #3 · answered by Nickynackynoo 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Something is wrong in his background? By your description he appears to be displaying issues of insecurity and low self esteem. He needs to tell you about what is causing these, he may want to but is afraid that you will think so much less of him and he will lose you anyway.
You do need to find out what these issues are.
In my opinion I think you should move out but make sure he understands the door to your heart is open, not on the basis of commitment (which he may feel is like blackmail ) but on the basis that you both need to asses what you really want from life and each other which means trusting each other with 'our secrets'
The reason you need to move out is because whatever lays behind his insecurity may be shocking to you and even upset you. You may still then come to love him but you will need your own space to assess the impact his 'secrets' have on you and what you want.
Sorry to sound so dark. It could be anything from something really trivial which you will both laugh at to something like he already has a child he's never mentioned etc.
As for the property it could still be an investment which you could rent out to cover some of the cost if things work out and you move back in together.
Good luck.
2007-08-20 05:17:15 · answer #4 · answered by noeusuperstate 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi, Please dont worry too much, there is some light at the end of the tunnel!
If you have been living with him for a year or more, I am sure you have some rights regarding the property where you have been living. I presume you have been sharing and helping with paying of all household bills, helping to furnish the house and generally living as a couple?
If you have, and you decide to call it a day, I am sure you will be able to have some claim to your share of the home.
If you have already mortaged another property and then decide to stay together, then you can always sell your new flat and have your name officially put on the original home you have been sharing.
If you are not sure, get out and start a new life for yourself and you will meet someone who will care for you how you deserve.
Good luck and I am sure you will get there in the end!
2007-08-20 04:37:12 · answer #5 · answered by heeeelp 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
The easy answer would to go and never look back, but to me it sounds like your boyfriend is struggling with some deeper issues (possibly self esteem). I would find out why he said "because I hate myself I cant commit to you". Maybe he really does want to be with you, but has high expectations for what he wants to give you (or thinks you expect) and doesnt think he can give them to you. My advice is to look at the other aspects of his life, find out his personal goals outside your relationship and then see if you fit into the picture. If not... leave, if you do then stay. PS- I wouldnt go on his mortgage until your sure the relationship is solid, it will ruin your credit if something goes wrong.
2007-08-20 04:42:05 · answer #6 · answered by NavinJohnson 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Okay, I can relate to this, cos I moved out of my own home, to be with my b/f in a different city.All was fine as you have described at first, but I always had a niggling feeling that it wasn't 'our' house...but 'his'...after a few months of feeling increasingly uncomfortable...I found a bigger, cheaper place, and suggested that we move in there together...I think at the time, he felt pressurised...but also realised I meant business.Suggest that you move TOGETHER to a NEW place...a place you have both chosen, can afford etc...if he is serious about your relationship, then he will come,if not he won't.I think agreeingto put your name on the morgage and then not doing it is abit sneaky though...I would have gone mad...all the best x x
2007-08-20 04:37:09 · answer #7 · answered by realityiskids 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi there I know it is hard for you but take it from me I speak from experiance,having been married for 21 years to a complete rat,then moving in with the nicest guy you could imagine, we have been together for 15 years and we are still not married,that does not bother me because we love each other,we might as well be married we have both got our names on the mortgage and what is mine is his, and his mine,He didn't need his arm up his back to give me any commitment.
The guy you have sounds like the only thing he is botherd about is someone to help pay the bills,get out chick while you are still young,find someone who really loves you for who you are,and not one that has to make up excuses instead of commitments. There will be someone out there waiting for a girl like you,so dont sell yourself short.
2007-08-20 04:59:50 · answer #8 · answered by biorbcat 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
the fact is, he has already hurt you and that is going to take time to trust him again.that trust is best rebuilt by not living together, as in a sense you need to go back to the beginning. he obviously sounds confused about his feelings for you on one level. it may just be a fear of committment rather than that he doesnt think you are right for him, but you still need to distance yourself. if you have found the perfect place BUY IT. even if he does get his act together you should wait for a fair while before moving in again anyway, as you don't want to be hurt so badly again and be left with nothing of your own.
2007-08-20 04:41:23 · answer #9 · answered by Sarah J 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
RUN, when it's over it's over.
IT'S OVER.
Taking out a Mortgage with him would
just put you in a financial MESS.
Get your own Mortgage, there are
Companies that work with low income.
But for a young single woman, all the
men you date will want to move into
YOUR house. They may for rent free.
Take the " Perfect Place " you've found.
2007-08-20 04:58:36 · answer #10 · answered by elliebear 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
my partner just walked out on me and our son last week after a 5 year relationship and although i know deep down it was probably for the best cos we wasnt going any where it just became routine and we carried on for our sons sake but now i think about it it shudnt have been about that it shud of been wether we all gonna be happy in the long run which we wasnt really and we have managed to stay really good friends which we need to really for our son although im devastated whats happend! you need to go with your heart and work out all ur pros and cons of the relationship its ok him saying he will be ok in a couple of months to commit its not something u can really put a time on and there fore u cud be waiting forever for him to be ready why not move out and take a break and he may just see then what he is missing
2007-08-20 04:36:29 · answer #11 · answered by elisejo5 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋