How can my son not hurt his dad's feelings?

Question

My 11 year old son is sick and tired of his dad making promises to him and then not following through. Promises such as - signing him up to play little league football, and then not doing so. Promises such as, getting him hermit crabs and promising to provide everything needed for them - and then not doing that.

This really isn't about material things, getting him this, that and the other thing - he is just so tired of his dad saying *I promise* and then putting it off with *I'm sorry, I forgot* or *We'll do that next weekend*

I know being a weekend parent can't be easy - there probably seems like there is never enough time. But this has been going on for nine years and my son has had enough!

If I bring this up, my ex will think all this came from me...but it didn't. My son cried for close to two hours tonight thinking about all this and he just doesn't know what to do.

He is physically disabled and has a twin sister (that gets EVERYthing promised)

I mention his disability and his twin sister because these both are major parts of his life. Literally, everything their dad promises to our daughter, she gets - when EVERYthing promised to our son - their dad always has an excuse - and after nine years - its starting to take its toll on our son.

I should mention also, that my son feels like hes cheap entertainment for their half-brother (son with his current wife) being told he has to play with, entertain and even *babysit* while his dad leaves the house and goes to his neighbors for a couple hours.

plbehner - you are 100% right. I am just as guilty. Thank you for pointing that out. Anytime I have said anything to my ex, he appears to listen attentively, nods his head, even will verbally agree with me and then proceed to put himself down - and then do the exact opposite of what he said he was going to do. Every single time. He then, will not see the kids for a couple of weeks, then shows up out of the blue, and lays major guilt trips on the kids.

I'll say it right here and right now - If I had MY way, they'd never go over there nor see their dad again - now is that right? I don't know what the solution is. I cannot make their dad be a better parent. How do I do that? This is what I'm asking - suggestions from Answerers.....

I do not think I'm placing blame on my daughter - again, I cannot make my ex be a better parent - I just have to deal with the repercussions of his bad parenting - which is one of the reasons why we split in the first place. HE WALKED AWAY FROM THESE KIDS. He made a choice, I have given him EVERY opportunity to correct the mistakes he CHOOSE to make - to no avail. I have approached him about family counseling and he refuses. So what choice am I left with? Cleaning up the messes HE has made the best way I can.

Answer 1

You need to be honest with your son and explain to him that his dad loves him the best way he knows how but that he's not a very good parent to him. I would suggest you help your son stop setting himself up for hurt. Tell him to stop asking for anything. If he see's his father, then fine. If not, then fine. Don't get in the middle of this, I know you are hurting for your son but its their relationship not yours. Your son is in for a lifetime of being different and being disappointed. You aren't going to help him by making it easy. You can be his avocate and tell your ex that you don't want him to hurt your son again, so since he can't follow through, to please stop making empty promises.

Your son doesn't just have a twin sister, you have a daughter. Your phrasing really disturbs me, and it makes me feel that you are blaming your daughter for being healthy while your son isn't. You can't do that, its not her fault. Please take a look at how you are treating her, something is wrong there. Its hard having twins and its hard to have a disabled child, but you are the grown up and the mother and you have got to treat them the same and you have got to make his life as normal as possible. That means you let him hurt, and help him learn to cope with it. You cannot protect him from life, that will not help him learn to live his life, and you won't be around forever.

I know you are dying inside everytime this child is hurt. I am sorry its so horrible for you and for him. If you stand by his side(and your daughters)and simply be their mom, they will grow up knowing they are loved and good people. Your ex is a fool.

Answer 2

I can't believe you let this go on for so long.
You are just as guilty as he is.
Now you want to break the cycle after you see how much damage it is doing to your son? What did you think it would do when you let this behavior continue the way that you did?
And you have the nerve to come on here and blame the father. Why don't you take some blame for standing back and doing nothing all these years and apologize to your son for that???
Now that I have this out of my system, you have every right to confront your ex about this situation. Before you do I would advice you to be prepared. Think of a solution that BOTH of you can follow.

Answer 3

Okay let us stop laying blame here and look at a solution for your son. He is 9 years old and has recognised fully that he is different to his siblings and being treated differently to them. No Couurt will force a child to go into an environment that is not conducive to his emotional, psychological development. First of all he is not of an age where he should be left with a younger sibling to look after, this is neglect of the parental responsibilities.
If I was to be counselling you and your son I would in an age appropriate manner ask your son if he wanted to visit his father overnight? This leaves an option for your son to still have contact just not for as long. The other option would be to ask if your son would like some 'time out' from visiting Dad?
These questions are about allowing your son to process contact options that he would be happy with. You then speak with his father saying that contact with his son will be shortened to an afternoon of 4 hours and it would be good if he (Dad) spent this time with him alone.
If this is not met well by the father then you will just have to say it is not in your son's best interests to go over to his house. And you tell him why in a non-emotional matter of fact way as to why the visits have stopped.
Don't ask your son to tell his father why as he has only just recognised the unfair treatment he is having delivered to him from his father. A child of this age can and often think they are to blame for being treated this way.
The words his father is actually saying to your son is " I can promise you anything however, you are not important enough for me to follow through". It is that which your son is crying over. Many men see disabled male children as their physical inadequacy and so take it out on the child. I hope this is not the case for your son.
What does your daughter say about this? Remember she is part of what is happening also? Does she over compensate with her twin or does she go along with what happens to him?
Family counselling for you guys would help untangle some of the questions and offer coping strategies. There is not much can be done re Dad unless he wants to recognise his unfair treatment of his son.
Good luck and big hug to your young man.

Answer 4

That is absolutely horrible. You know, I dont know that there is anyway for your son to tell him w/o him getting upset. But just think the father has been upsetting him for 9 years, maybe he needs a little reality check. Just have your son call his dad and have him tell him exactly how he feels and maybe they can work out a compromise. Good luck!!

Answer 5

HELL NO!!! there is no excuse for it, its not fair because she has a disability that she get everything and he dont, he should sit him down and tell him and he should have you next to him to support him and to be there if he tries to over talk him or " send him to his room" but yeah no excuse, plus you must not like it your self being you message is so long