Was I "too strict"?

Question

I brought up four boys on my own having got them away from a violent Father.
All I did was to give them everything that they *needed* (which was not the same as what they wanted).
I set fixed routines for them (adjusted acccording to their age) and had a proper set of Family rules with consequences for breaking them and one was that I would not tolerate bad language because to me that was a prelude to violence (real,physical including when I was pregnant).
My boys thrived on that and all have good jobs now and one is a good Father too (and the rest shall be too).
Now I see my eldest grandson (8) starting to get out of control and being rude and have mentioned it to my son yet his wife says that it is "normal" and now she has told me that I was "too strict" with my boys.Now my son has never said anything of the sort and I think she is reading too much into it and trying to let Lewis do as he likes for *her* benefit and my son doesn't see it.
What should I do for the best?

"shakensharon" - I did not "beat" my boys with canes - I used a school cane (no more than an American "switch") when they got to be too old for traditional spankings (of which you say you approve) and that was the equivalent given that I had them on my own to deal with and they were huge teenagers by then.
As I say none of my boys have ever complained of their upbringing - they all thank me for caning my eldest when he got caught smoking at school and so preventing them *all* from getting addicted to nicotine and so running the risk of lung cancer and so on.
I still am trying to get to the bottom of what my DIL meant - and no : I am *not* trying to tell her to use a cane - the boys are far too young and anyway it would be illegal these days even when they get to be older so I respect that restriction on today's parents (wrong as I think it).
All that I am trying to do is to help my son and DIL give my grandsons the best start in life - that is natural!

Well yes "lynne p" - a sharp word from my Father was enough for me too and far worse than any spanking I had from my Mother in many ways - but I had four boys to raise on my own and although a had (and still have I admit) a sharp tongue when they got to be huge lads of twelve and thirteen that was simply not enough to discipline them.Anyone who says anything else does not know what they are talking about - or have exceptional children.
I have already said that I am simply trying to give advice based upon experience - and I have a *right* to care about my grandchildrens' wlfare.

I didn't use a "weapon" "One Belt" - I used an authorised cane the same as was used in the schools even on five-year-olds when I was at school - the NSPCC would have laughed at you although I did have to deal with busybodies such as yourself at one time but I raised four decent children - I hope that you can say the same.

Answer 1

it sounds like u were a great parent and gave ur children exactly what they needed! routine and respect...and this has made them great people!
ur grandchild sounds like he will become naughty and lazy because of his mother :(
i'd say try to get as much time with ur grandchild as possible and have set behaviour which he is allowed to use in ur presence....
and if ur daughter in law has a problem with it explain to her WHY these things are neccesary. to raise a child who is going to be an active member of sociey he must have proper civilised manner taught to him when he is young.
u were definately not too strict... look how well ur children turned out!
oh, and perhaps have a word with ur son, he should be defending ur methods as without them he wouldn't be the man he is today! he shouldn't be sitting back letting his child run amuck...but perhaps he's just not sure what he should be doing.
good luck with everything

Answer 2

Personally, no I don't think you were too strict. My children have always had rules and routines to abide by, and chores to do. I also expect them to use their manners both inside and outside the home.

However, the only people who can truly answer your question, are your sons themselves. Your DIL has told you that you were too strict with your boys, could it be she got this information from your son! I've never said anything to my mother about how she raised us, I just resolved to do some things differently to her.

Edit:

Have just read about u using a cane! a quick smack on the bum or legs is one thing - using a cane is something else Mrs! and you say you got them away from a violent father. My Grandmother brought up 9 (yes 9) boys on her own - she never had to resort to anything other that a sharp word when needed and the occasional bottom smack - often just a stern look would be enough.

Answer 3

Were you too strict?
Personal thoughts, No, but then you are going to get a wide range of answers on that particular question.
I'm 35 and had what I consider to be a fairly strict upbringing, at the time hated it, but it was fair.
In hindsight now I have my own child it was a great thing!
I see friends who i used to be envious of (I appreciate this is a generalisation on personal experience), as they were allowed out late, were allowed chocolate, crisps, the latest new toy, all the things I wasn't allowed as a child, who are now in dead marriages, with kids that run riot.
I was determined that when my son (5yrs old) was born he would be raised the same as me, a little less extreme though, he is allowed treats when the occasion dictates it or as a reward.
As such I have a child who I can take anywhere and I KNOW he will be polite and well mannered, he does have his moments and is by no means an angel! But the basic principals are there.

With the greatest respect Joan, times are different and I think this reflects on todays children, as much as i feel/agree with you, you can't risk alienating your son.
I think the way you need to play it, is to do as someone else on here suggested.
If your grandchildren are with you and misbehave, then point out that, that sort of language is unacceptable and upsets you.
Unfortunatley you are only the grandmother (harsh but true :-( ) and your role can only be as a guide as and when needed or asked.
Quite possibly the worse thing you can do is to create problems within your sons marriage because ultimalty it will be the children who are affected, perhaps making any issues now larger.

Answer 4

So you took your boys away from a violent father, but carried on being violent to them. And when they got too big for a 'spank' you used a weapon on them.

No wonder your daughter in law isn't ready to take your advice on parenting!!! You are lucky you didn't live next door to me or I would have called the NSPCC on you!

Bad language is not a prelude to violence (however it is very unpleasant and shouldn't be tolerated) teaching children that you should hit someone when they break rules does breed violence amongst them.

There are plenty of ways to discipline children without resorting to violence!

Edit: And is this cane still used in schools??? Erm no, do you think that is maybe because it was found to be child abuse? Don't use my user name as if I am using it as a weapon - it is because of my lucky red belt actually!

I was never hit as a child and:

a) I don't drink
b) I don't smoke
c) I have a good job
d) I never had a child as a teenager
e) I never act in a shameful way
f) I show respect to others
g) I am not violent
h)IF I HAD A DAUGHTER IN LAW I WOULD LET HER RAISE HER CHILDREN WITH MY SON WITHOUT CONSTANT CRITICISM.

Answer 5

I'm 41 now and my dad used a bamboo cane on me several times when i was a child. I can still remember every second leading up to, and after the canings, and i will never forgive him for it. It amounts to no more than bullying, a power thing. I would NEVER even consider doing that to my son, the tone of my voice tells him when enough is enough. In answer to your question "what should you do for the best?", try letting your DIL raise her kids her own way, and stop comparing her to yourself. Times have changed, get used to it.

Answer 6

Well, first things first, you can't change the way your son and his wife parent their child. You have to let that go and realize that you can enforce rules in your home but not in theirs. If you're consistent with the rules and consequences when grandson comes to visit, he will soon get the idea.

Second, you weren't "too strict" with your children -- it sounds like you did everything correct. The sad part is that many parents today feel their children should be given free reign to do whatever they want. These parents consider this "normal" and strive to be the best friend a child can have. Another sad issue is that discipline is hard work -- hard work that many parents simply don't have the time or effort for in this today's society.

The unfortunate thing is that you tried hard to be the best parent possible and your son's wife seems to be taking the easy way out. Hopefully your grandson won't be like the multitude of inconsiderate, rude, bossy and obnoxious children running around today... but (the kicker is) all you can do is try to be a good role model when you see him. If he forgets to use "please" or "thank you," remind him that manners are tops. If he says curse words in front of you, remind him that "grandma doesn't like to hear that language from someone she cares about." If he's rude to his parents in front of you, remind him that you don't appreciate the way he talked to his mom (or dad). If he acts out or behaves poorly while in your care, enforce consequences such as time outs or the restriction of privileges.

You can't control the type of parents your grandson has, but you can control your response to his behavior. Good luck!

PS: Avoid talking with your son about these issues... You're just going to alienate his family because it seems like you're attacking his wife. Whether it's correct or not, that's how it will be perceived and interpreted. My suggestion: enforce rules in your own home and bite your tongue elsewhere.

Answer 7

Nothing too strict in what you describe here.

Were you too strict? Probably. My response is based upon your other postings about beating your sons with canes. That is your business but I felt that the punishments were too severe. I believe in spanking kids but not so painfully.

The best you can do is to allow your son and daughter-in-law to raise their children as they see fit. You have shared your parenting advice; the rest is up to them. If they ask for your help, give it. If they do not ask, do not say another word on the topic.

BTW: I do not approve of switches either.

Answer 8

right now you don't do anything you can set rules for when they are with you but as I have said before as much as you love the boys you are not rasing them. Some of what you described your grandson's doing is normal. All little boys go through a phase like that the parents have to nip it in the bud. As for you being to strict if you ask your son he won't say yes but your daughter in law is getting that from somewhere they have talked about their child hood and maybe he feels you were to strict. He could purposly be letting the kids be raised as they are because he wants them to have less structure. It is my blief that people either do the exact opposite of their paents becuase they feel that style was to whatever of you do the exact same. Your son is very much apart of your son's life as much as you think that your daughter in-law does all the parenting. Even with him working he knows what is going on

Answer 9

Considering you claim to look after your grandchildren a lot of the time when your DIL is at work then doesn't a portion of his behaviour lay with you and your rules?

All children go through a phase of being rude just because certain adults "get on their nerves", some go out of it and some go the opposite way.
Luckily i had my phase with my mum and grandparents- who i spent a great deal of time with and got out of it.

Your son doesn't see it because it isn't a problem for him or his wife, only you are bothered.

Why don't you just ask your grandson if anything is bothering him - maybe he has picked up on your antagonism over his mum?

Answer 10

You weren't too strict. I get accused of that, which is rediculous, and the same people accuse me of spoiling at other times. I neither spoil, nor am I over harsh. I'm normal and, to my mind, they are not because I would never make comments about another person like that, least of all in front of the child!!

I think there is nothing you can do about your grandson. His mother has ultimate control over his discipline(or lack of). His father would be the only one in a postion to make any changes and if he doesn't see any reason to, there's nothing more you can do.
When the boy is in your house you can make him behave the way you think he should. When he speaks to you, you can make it known to him how you want to be spoken to by him, or not at all. You can refuse put up with bad treatment from him yourself, but that is as much as you can do.

Be glad you brought your own up well. But that time is gone now.

Answer 11

You have several questions here. No, I do not think you were too strict by creating rules and consequences. That is how real life is lived! Parents today sometimes think that they will hurt their childrens tender psyche's by saying no or expecting them to follow rules.
You need to step back from your son's child however. You have given your opinion about your grandson and need to keep quiet now unless asked. If he is rude to you, you can say you don't like it. My mom will rarely babysit for my brothers kids because they are out of control. She loves them but has a hard time with their behavior. She visits them at their house so she can leave when it gets to be too much.

By the way, bravo to you for your ability to successfully raise 4 kids on your own! I too am a single mom of 4 and rules and consequences may not be the easier path at times, but it certainly makes for better adults!