Bad mother?

Question

I am so sick of my son and I don't know how to cope. He is 17. Will be 18 in October. He dropped out of school after spending 3 years in the 9th grade. Good grades when he applied himself, just couldn't be bothered to go to class and do his homework. 2 years ago, he took a joyride in a stolen golf cart. We are still dealing with that. $1000 for the lawyer. Multiple court dates. My husband (against my better judgement) bought him a used car. He blew the engine. We spent $800 for the car and another $600 to get it driveable. I certainly don't mind spending the money for things he needs if he is trying, but I am so tired of the smart mouth. The I'm not fuc$ing doing that. Fuc$3 that shi$%. Doing what he wants, when he wants, etc. It is causing arguments between me and his dad. I am so depressed, I am sitting here in tears and contemplating moving out. That would mean losing my husband and daughter. The two people who mean the most to me in this world. (Besides birthmom).

His father and I have different parenting styles. That is most of the problem. Dad admits son is a problem but feels I am too hard on son. I don't feel I am. I just want the mouthing off, smartmouthing, bull crap. abuse, whatever you want to call it to stop. I do not ask a lot from him. Take out the trash and help your sister with the dishes and living room.

Bad thing is, he has moved out or at least, not under this roof but three doors down the street. He knows how hard it is out there, but it doesn't seem to bother him enough for him to change his behavior.

Answer 1

So far your son has not been towing the line. He needs to hold up his end of things. Driving is a privilege and he has not earned it. You and your husband have given him his first car and he abused it... most probably in a bid to get something better. He is a spoiled brat and it will only get worse, believe me. You have to put a stop to it NOW.

He either needs to go to school or go to work... that needs to be the law around there. He needs to get a GED and go to a trade school and earn a living. You need to collect a share of that money from him if he is under your roof... you can call it "rent" and apply it to all of his damages, or into savings to help him get established.
Failing that, there is always the military service there to make a man out of him. Those are the choices you should offer the boy, and no more.

You and your husband need to present a united front and demand that this son either tow the line or move out. A few months of trying to make it on his own should teach him how good he really had it.

If your husband does not back you up on this, you and the daughter need to get out of there and let the husband duke it out with the boy. It may take a few months to get through their thick heads. The daughter should not be left there as a buffer or as a mommy substitute.

FYI: I am one of 4 kids. 3 girls and one boy. All us girls got married and out of the house as quick as we could just to get away from the boy... a drug user, constantly getting arrested, constantly stealing things from us, and constantly abusive. Mom & Dad didn't begin to deal with him until we were out of the house. They had to kick him out several times before anything took.

Answer 2

It's up to YOU how you raise your child. What ever your gut tells you,then do it. A bad mother is someone who doesn't feed their kids,someone who beats their kids,someone who doesn't care. A good mother is someone who loves their kids,who cares about them,who makes sure they have everything they need MOMMY TO ANGELBABY: So if someone can't afford brand new stuff for their baby and use stuff from other people that's still in good shape they are bad mothers? If a mom has to go to work to support her family and make sure her family has what they need,they are a bad mom? If a mom has to use WIC or foodstamps,because she can't afford not to,they are a bad mom??If you make sure your child is fed,you're a bad mom? As long as the child isn't hungry then what's the deal? If you feed your child in public you're a bad mom?? So you want the child to go hungry? If a mom takes her child in public before he/she is six weeks she's a bad mom? So the mom is suppose to hire a sitter for 5 minutes while you get diapers? You're a bad mom if you let your baby cry for a few minutes? It's good to let them,because it helps their lungs. You're a bad mom if you feed baby solids under 6 months? Doctor reccomends it at 4months.I can't belive you actually said that. You think you're a perfect mother don't you? News flash darlin' there are no perfect mothers but they're are good ones

Answer 3

well i have few questions for you -- do you or have you ever yelled and screamed at him ?? you obviously didnt monitor the people he associated with all well as you should have - or maybe he suffers from depression. he is still your baby -- love him and help -- find out what is wrong with him before making any harsh judgements -- dont give up on him -- just think about how you felt the first time you and he met eyes with each other . remember how much he needed you then -- and realize this he needs you now just as much as he needed you them. give him love and try and talk to him (civilized ) and remember harsh words are wounds that do not heal . and no you arent a bad mother - you just are at a cross road and you dont know what to do

i mean where were you the first time he failed 9th grade ?? do you not see the problem there?? should have had more structure then , things might be different now ?? why did he fail ?? maybe he has a learning disability that no one is aware of --

maybe you should try military school -- but one thing is for sure if you give up on him now -- he will be gone for ever

Answer 4

You've got a tough problem on your hands. It doesn't appear that it's possible for him to move out after he turns 18. He probably has no skills to hold down a job. You may be stuck with him for a long long time.

Don't move out until you've given counseling a try. Perhaps the doctor can put you on some mild medication to help you cope.

My husband left me because I was not allowed to discipline his 7 year old daughter, my step-daughter. She was the step-daughter from hell for sure. One day she wouldn't clean her room and I tried to discipline her. My husband and her moved out the next day and I never saw him again. If I had another chance, I would do the same thing. I realized after he left that I was living in a miserable pressure cooker and I was somewhat relieved to be free from her. It was a big price to pay though and I still miss him 10 years later.

Hope you stand up for yourself and get help real soon.

Answer 5

You're not a bad Mom. AND you have a husband and daughter who need you. Don't take out your aggressions on your husband, he's not the reason you're upset. It's the boy. If he is disrespecting you and the rest of the family, the boy needs to straighten up. It will be hard for you, but you have to say no to everything. If he wants a car, he'll be able to buy one when he's 18 and officially out of the house with a job. Or, if he intends to keep being belligerent, perhaps you should take him down to the local jail and show him what happens to people who defy authority. It might scare him straight.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Answer 6

Alanon's not a bad idea. Getting yourself some counseling might be better. I have a friend in the same boat. It's helped her a lot, and indirectly her marriage and her son. Your medical insurance might cover some appts and if you're working, your employer might have an Employee Assistance Program that offers some counseling that's confidential.

My humble opinion on your son... make him get a job and pay rent if he's not in school. Get your husband together with you to tell him to knock off the bullshit language.

Answer 7

You know what you need to do? He needs to shape out or get out of your house. His bad behavior is affecting everyone in your household, and if he does not want to be apart of the family then he can run the streets. Put in some sort of Military Boot camp or something with some disipline so he can get the help that he needs. Do that today, find somewhere where he can go. You need some help and he does not respect you, so do what you have to do!

Answer 8

ok sweety , i dont really know the full situation , but one thing that struck me in your post was the last bit when you mentioned that the 2 most important things in your life was hubby and daughter, there was no mention of your son.
Your post is full of info to me that suggests that your son has been in some way or another acting out for attention or help.the fact that he did 9th grade three times surely suggests there is an underlying problem. there is a reason for all of this sweety and instead of giving up on him, you need to find out why or what is going on with him.ds are,nt just bad , despite what people think , there are reasons for everything.
good luck
wanda

Answer 9

I would say he need to be straight end out... this is not all your fault if a parent is to lenient with there kid this often happens.. try taking away privileges and threatening the thing that would bother him the most. Also, you might want to look into therapy it is not all so bad and maybe your whole family should go sounds like you really need it well gl to you

Answer 10

God that's a tough situation! Does your husband not notice his behavior?? If he is turning 18 in october, I would just say to grit your teeth and just make it until his birthday so he can move out. And if he is planning on staying with you and mooching and wreaking havoc, then talk with your husband. Tell him that you love him and want the marriage to work, but he needs to make your son move out. It's him or you and he needs to pick. You love your husband and daughter and want to make your lives work together. Your son is inhibiting that and destroying everyone's lives! You need to point that out to your husband and make him decide if he wants to keep the woman he loves and is trying to hold things together, and get rid of the ungrateful, destructive son, or vice versa.