I've been married for 10 years. 8 years ago my sister and brother-in-law visited our house and made comments that were obnoxious, such as "Why did you want to move to this town", "Wow, your lawn is so big you could put a boat back here." Ever since, my wife has refused to see my sister+ brother-in-law. I told my sister she can be obnoxious at times, and my sister hasn't made a big effort to repair the damage. And my wife has made zero effort to let it go and move on. She has some avoidant personality traits, and is completely estranged from her sister and parents because she doesn't like the way they have treated her. My wife completely avoids contact with anyone she does not like. She won't drive through the town where my sister or her family live, for fear of running into them. Now my parents are having a big 50th wedding anniversary party, and my wife refuses to go since my sister+brother-in-law will be there. How do I encourage my wife to be strong and attend this event?
2007-08-19 01:47:53 · 18 answers · asked by R S 1 in Health ➔ Mental Health
there is nothing you can do to change her mind....she needs some counseling...and that's the one thing I would push her to do. In the mean time you need to go with out her....don't let her emotional problems ruin your life....be kind to her and in courage her to go get help...offer to go with her ...but don't you stop living. I;ll keep you in my prays.
2007-08-25 14:11:24 · answer #1 · answered by Marie 7 · 2⤊ 4⤋
I think you should leave your wife alone and let her stay home if that's what she wants to do. What if the shoe were on the other foot? I promise you, the sun will come up the next day after the celebration and this is not a do or die situation.
I have had relatives and some in-laws who said really ugly, hurtful and untrue things about me. I just made sure I stayed out of their presence from then on. And they didn't miss me either. They were all pretty old and most are dead now so in the overall scheme of things, I just spared myself a lot of discomfort. Your wife doesn't need therapy and she doesn't owe you or your parents the presence of her company that night. Your sister and brother-in-law could use social skills training along with a good course on etiquette ending up with a swift kick in the pants. IF your parents get upset about your wife not attending, have them direct their feelings toward the rude daughter they raised and the hick of a husband she chose.
You say your wife avoids contact with anyone she does not like. And that's wrong ...........how? Maybe eventually she will learn not to carry a grudge but until then, leave her alone.
2007-08-26 09:17:59 · answer #2 · answered by RandomAct 3 · 7⤊ 0⤋
Hi, I don't consider either of those comments to be rude. "Wow your yard is big enough for a boat" thats a compliment. "Why did you move to this town?" is a question. Sounds like your wife has the same problem I used to have which was taking things people say the wrong way. It can ruin her life and keep her from having friends or even being happy. The problem is that she needs to retrain her way of thinking. Everything someone said to me I took personally and thought they were being sarcastic. I've since changed the way I take in people's comments and I'm alot happier. Tell her to exercise her intelligence. After someone makes a comment that offends her tell her to analyze what was said. And offer up an intelligent respectful answer. People will admire her. I used to get pissed off when someone said why did you paint your bathroom turquoise? That may or may not be a subtle way of saying that they don't like it. Who cares? Or maybe their just curious. Now I'll just say because I like it. There you have it. Just sit down and talk with her about your feelings and maybe she'll realize that she is taking things out of context. Hope all goes well. God bless you and your family. You will know if someone is intentionally being hateful by the way they say things.
2007-08-26 19:23:48 · answer #3 · answered by ggsspirit 2 · 5⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure there is plenty that can be said or done to encourage her to attend, but I'm doubtful there is anything you can do to change her mind. Based on your description of her, it seems to be pretty hardwired into her that she's not going, and to her there is nothing to lose and everything to gain by staying away from people that introduce any adversity into her life. It's a shame, it's an immature way to handle things, but you'd be hard pressed to change her -- at least with such short notice.
...Well, I'm actually not sure how soon the party is, but if it's within the next month or two, you're only options would probably be bribery and ultimatums, and those options are not good for maintaining a healthy relationship.
2007-08-19 01:56:57 · answer #4 · answered by Mickey Mouse Spears 7 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I don't think you can force someone to do something they dont want to do. I mean, why hasnt your sister or brother made an effort with her.? These personality traits didnt happen over night so was she like this when you meet her? If so, then how about excepting her the way she is and accept her choice not too go, Don't push her. Maybe in time she will come around in her time. It's her loss that she wont be there.
2007-08-19 02:03:40 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 2⤋
It really saddens me to say this but if she truly loves you - she would put her feelings to the side.
It sounds to me that there is something much more deeper here.
You need to let your wife know how you feel and from the sounds of things - you wouldn't be able to successfully express your feelings without being cut off - so I would suggest writing her letter and expressing how you feel - and that you would like her to attend but not for the sake of the "enemies" (you know what I mean=) but for you and that your happiness is all that matters. Plus if she doesn't attend then she is proving everyone else correct by not attending. If your wife did nothing wrong then she shouldn't be the one hiding (per say) in fear but let it go. She seems to have lost everyone else and I don't think she would risk losing you.
This may make or break your relationship. Darling stay strong and hold your guns onthis - if it's important to you then she should respect you enough to place her feelings to the side and go.
God Bless you!
2007-08-26 15:28:21 · answer #6 · answered by Making a difference 3 · 0⤊ 4⤋
Maybe she really has an underlying social disorder. And being angry gives her a legitimate reason to not attend or socialize. And maybe her feelings get sooo hurt within herself, she can't let them escape her mind.....I say that because a couple years ago I finally went to the doctor and finally found out I have anxiety/depression...a mood disorder that prevents the correct amount of seratonin from being released into my brain...a chemical imbalance....Seratonin is the stuff that calms us and helps us feel content. I used to avoid sooooo many functions, unless I could "belt down a few". Even then, my mind would be racing with thoughts that were just plain negative and I'd start feeling the anxiety and reliving the betrayals or comments all over again. If her mind has control, then it can't be as strong as she would like, believe me. I take Paxil, an antidepressent, now and my life has changed soooo much! I let crap roll off my back most the time, where before, I'd hang on to every injustice like a rosary!
2007-08-19 02:06:03 · answer #7 · answered by zen 6 · 1⤊ 4⤋
Doesn't your wife see it is your sister that is causing the problem.
Tell your wife your sister is a person with has "Special Needs". The need to drag others down so she feels important and the need to be seen as sucessful when is she not.
Let the other memebr of your family bring pressure too bare on your sister when you start refusing to attent a few events because of her behavior.
Life is too short for this crap anyway.
There are a lot of things you can do but I often tell the women in my life "YOUR GROWN! NOW YOU EITHER DEAL WITH IT OR SOLVE THE PROBLEM DON'T MAKE IT MY PROBLEM OR PUT ME IN THE MIDDLE. YOUR AN ADULT ACT LIKE ONE!
2007-08-19 02:03:51 · answer #8 · answered by dadw5boys 4 · 1⤊ 5⤋
I have to agree with your wife. I have a two siblings that both have idiots for husbands. They are cruel, hateful, and liars. I wouldn't walk down the street to see any of them anymore. They did terrible things to my son, his wife, and my grandson. As far as I am concerned, they can all drop dead and make my day. Your wife shouldn't be forced to try to socialize with people she can't stand. If you want to go to the party, have at it, but let her stay home where she won't be badgered by people with no taste or ability to be polite.
2007-08-23 18:03:22 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 6⤊ 1⤋
when we got married, the first thing we must realise is that, we came from a different background. so we must study and find out, what are the differences..... Your wife was feeling hurts with your sister in-laws comment. makes you wife feels that she is right and your sister in law is having a bad behavior.tell her that your mother likes her more than your sister in law. (she wont ask the truth from your mother!) Tell her how important she is for your mother. The anniversary is for your mother, so ask her to be the very best daughter in law amongs your family. The day she can prove... is that day! So if she refuse, she is also as bad as your sister in law.. is nt it? Sometimes we must pretend to makes everything going success. Good luck!
2007-08-26 04:52:12 · answer #10 · answered by LadyAnis 4 · 2⤊ 3⤋
Aint happening dude. She'll hate you if you force her to go. And if you whine a lot or try to trick her, it will make it worse. Stay home with the wife. She's your first family now. Apologize to the loved ones and hope for the best.
2007-08-25 11:10:17 · answer #11 · answered by Colonia 2 · 6⤊ 1⤋