I'm sick of being a mom to a bunch of wacko's?

Question

I'm a single mom of two kids. My x's brother and I have always been close. He broke his back falling off a roof at work. Since then I moved my kids and got a bigger place to make things more easy for him. His back is well healed now but he still has pain. My problem is, is that he is a slob and say's he can't do anything not even carry milk home from the store!!! He won't do dishes although he eats like a pig 5-8 times a day!! I told him to buy himself plastic plates!! I have become a slave to this household and I hate it. I've done all the talking possible and I would move on but I can't afford to move and I just want to dissapear with my kids. I have been to nice I belive and harshly taken advantage of. of course I can't explain it all in here but if anyone has some adivce that would be great..thanks

Answer 1

There are a coupe of sayings that come to my mind when I read this.
The first one is a Dr. Phil: You teach people how to treat you.
The second one is someone else's: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

To tell you the truth, I don't have a good answer for you other than to tell you that I find flylady.com very helpful. It's free and it helps me to identify manageable things to do that make a real difference in my home. It's also helped me to stop being so angry at my family, who sound as messy as yours.

That ex-brother in law of yours sounds like bad news. I'd make a contract up telling him what I was willing to do and what I was unwilling to do and I'd stick to it. You can always buy the guy the plastic plates. Sure, it would be nice if he did, but if you want to achieve a goal--in this case fewer dishes to do--your buying the plates will help you get to the goal. Don't cook him more complex things than you want to and for the sake of your children, make sure that the food in the household is nutritious. Maybe x-b-i-l won't eat so often if he has vegetables and little else to choose from.

I guess my only other advice is for you to encourage the x-b-i-l to find treatment for pain. If I think of living every day with pain the way he does, I doubt I'd be much fun to live with either. His eating and snarky attitude may be signs of depression caused by a feeling of hopelessness that things will get better for him. Sometimes our being kind when we feel like smacking someone does more good than we could imagine. I'm not a sweet dreamer here--I'm practical. If being nice means that the guy will pull more of his weight around the house, I'd be nice.
Good luck. I wish you a happier life.

Answer 2

You've really made a rod for your own back, taking in your former brother in law, haven't you? You say you've always "been close", but evidently the closeness on his part doesn't extend to any form of consideration for you or appreciation of your hospitality. He's not a friend, he's a sponger.

His back pain is probably nerve pain due to his injury, and nerve pain takes a very long time to dissipate, if it ever completely does. However, he's not making recovery come any faster by lounging around all day and not taking even the gentlest of exercise or doing the simplest acitivity. If he eats as much as you suggest, he's probably making the back pain worse because he must be gaining weight fairly rapidly.

You say you can't afford to move, but there's no earthly reason why you should. You need to get him out. I should imagine it won't be easy to persuade him to go as he's got such a cushy billet, but there are ways of evicting an unwanted lodger legally, and you need to seek legal advice on doing that if he won't go voluntarily.

Does he pay rent? If he doesn't, he's there purely on your goodwill and he's used that up completely. If he does, and you need the money, look into the possibility of finding another, more helpful and appreciative tenant.

Why should you run away with the children? It's your home, whether it's rented or you own it, and it would be really unfair to disrupt the children's lives further by carting them off somewhere else.

Stand your ground, and certainly don't continue to make his life as easy as you have until now. Don't cook for him, don't do any shopping for him, make it clear that the food supplies are for you and the children, and if he needs some, he has to shop for and buy his own. That in itself might just make his life so much less comfortable that he doesn't want to stay any longer.

If you do this, talk to him first and see if he will leave - if not, then tell him these are the new rules, and you don't plan to do anything more for him. My guess is he'll get the message loud and clear, and start looking for some other sucker who'll give him an easy life.

wimsey

Answer 3

I take it you're renting this place, so you can move. It's not easy, but you need to get out of there, for your sake, and your children's. If it's a money issue, see if the local Dept. of Social Services can help you out to get you into a new place if you can't possibly afford it, and your children are in jeopardy in some way. Sometimes local churches or civic organizations can help you with security. You must have a security deposit for your current place, so when your lease is up, take the money and run. It's sounds like a bad environment for your children and it's not healthy for you either. Since he's not going to do anything to change the situation, because it's all good for him, you need to take the intiative. Children learn what they see, and if they see him taking advantage of you and letting him walk all over you, they'll learn to do it to. Before they start to think that's acceptable behavior, take the kids and get out of there.

Answer 4

Well Cotton, if hes not on the lease you are only sort of stuck. As in, youve got to hand him an eviction notice and then follow proper proceedings for evicting him. Check with your Justice of the Peace's office to make sure you are doing it the legal proper way or you can get in trouble. When you hand it to him be firm. If hes a user hes going to look for weakness and throw out the whole back hurting story again. If you follow the law it will take a little time to get him out although that depends on the state you live in. Im in Texas and its about 3 weeks to get someone out here. Good luck!

Answer 5

simple - evict him. You are technically his landlord - contact a real estate attorney and have them help you with the paperwork.

OR - you tell him that he must get counseling if he is going to continue to live in your home. Accidents that are dibilitating like that, especially for men, bring on extreme depression when they go from being able to support themselves, to having to be dependent on others. You also insist that he get a 2nd or 3rd opinion on what can be done aout his pain - including physical therapy, Part of why he is in pain could be because he isn't doing anything that will exercise is muscles and he is starting to atrophy.

Answer 6

who pays the rent here? If you do then you tell him he has to move out ASAP!!! If he does then you should save up the money to move out or sign up now for some kind of goverment housing for just you and your kids!! The waiting list can be really long so you'd better sign up now if you need help with renting !!! But sounds like you need to get rid of him either way by moving out or him moving out !! Tell him like it is, and you can't handle him anymore !!!! Put your foot down and tell him if he can't help you then your moving or he is and thats that!!!

Answer 7

Take your kids and run!!! Its not fair that you already have two kids to worry about, but you have a grown man. Now that he is healed you should tell him that you are done being his mother and he needs to grow up and take care of his self. If you cant go now then save so you can leave...

Answer 8

Stop stocking the fridge, stop doing dishes. Go on strike, I guess. Although, sorry, I don't really have a follow-through on this plan, at least it would be a fun social experiment.

Answer 9

Me and you have something in common... wasnt really worth the 2 minutes of pleasure was it?

My real advice is to live your own hopes dreams and aspirations through whichever child favors you, live tour life through your children, give them what you never had, I did, and my kids have happiness

Answer 10

Tell him to shape up or ship out. you have your hands full with 2 kids already, no need to follow behind 3. Good Luck.