Is this tacky, and any ideas?

Question

I am really stuck here. I have a friend getting married next week. She already has a house and daughter with her fiance so doesn't need household items. However, in the wedding invitation it actually states, "our house is near complete, so gifts of money would be neat!" I think personally this is rather tacky to write in an invitation do you agree? Also, she and I are somewhat close but I don't feel obligated to get her something expensive. A. I don't have the money to just give her some and or buy something expensive for the wedding. B. I never received so much as a thank-you note and my fiance and I were ignored at her daughter's first birthday party. And C. she didn't give me a babyshower gift, or a gift when my daughter was born, and gave her hand-me-downs to one of her fiance's friends she doesn't know that well when she knew I needed the clothes. I am not trying to be petty here, but I just don't feel I should have to go all out on her wedding gift when she hasn't even

acknowledged gifts I've given her in the past. Not to mention that she having the wedding at 11:00 am and then the reception at 2:00pm and it state for hor dourves only on the invitation. So going to her wedding is going to be an all day event and we have to find something to do with ourselves in the three hours between the ceremony and reception that is almost 2 hours away from where we live. So any suggestions for cheaper wedding gifts, and or how to handle the situation?

Thanks to everyone who has responded, and no it's not because of the lack of a thank-you card that I was upset about her daughter's birthday. For one she never even congratulated me on my daughter's birth (not even on the phone) and two we drove to her daughter's first birthday party were completely ignored by everyone and tried to mingle but no one would talk to us. Two I gave her a really nice gift for her daughter, and even then it was a stretch of money. Now is there wedding and I don't know her well enough and her fiance is very materialistic and I don't want him to think we're cheap. At the same time I already sent my RSVP for both the wedding and reception so not going would be rude on my part at this point. My fiance said a card would suffice cause he wasn't happy with how we were treated at their last event. I feel a small trinket should go along with the card but I don't know what to buy! Please keep suggestions coming?

oh and they don't like wine, or champagne we will be having punch at their wedding instead... so I can't just get a bottle of wine.

Answer 1

I know what it's like to not be able to spend a lot on a wedding gift and I hate for people to know how much I spent unless it's someone I'm close to. You could always give something like candles, games, or something that people use a lot. I have seen office supplies as a wedding gift. I even knew a woman that would give a bag of wheat or oats for people to use in their cooking. Now I would have thought that was odd if that was me receiving it, but it really depends on the type of person you are. If you really don't want to give anything, then don't. Many people don't give gifts, especially if they can't afford it. If you feel later that you should have given something, you can send something later.

Answer 2

She doesn't expect every single person to give money. Obviously they aren't registering and they just wanted to let people know that fact. If you are so sensitive to that one line on the invite that it will overshadow your entire friendship then just don't go to the wedding and you won't have to worry about the gift. If you plan to go to the wedding, bring a gift, either a gift card, money that you can afford, or a small simple gift. I think it is important to her to have her friends there more than the gifts. And if that's not the case, she's not someone you want to be friends with anyway.
Who has time to send out thank you cards after a 1-year-olds birthday? No one does that anymore, I'm sure for the wedding they will send cards, that is expected.
The wedding will probably last 1-1.5 hours plus you will have to drive to the reception so from 11:00am-2:00pm you will probably only have about an hour to kill (they will be taking pics probably). So just grab a bite to eat since they will only have finger foods anyway and get to the reception a tad bit early. They probably purposfully left enough time for people to get a little food in them so they won't starve with the hor'derves in lieu of a meal. It's cheaper for the couple. Maybe the really need the money and that's why they asked for it.
Just put this whole thing into perspective a bit here and think you will feel better about it all.

Answer 3

Sad to say, but some people have never learned how to be well mannered and give the appropriate thank you's for gifts. But you really don't want to base your behavior according to what they have or haven't done, do you? It is rude to ask for money or gifts on a wedding invitation. It is rude to expect ones wedding guests to get by without a meal when the wedding and reception will be an all day affair. You are under no obligation to give money or a gift, or even go for that matter. Just send your regrets.
If you do attend, give a lovely card and a small gift like a pretty photo album or frame if you can afford it, as newlyweds always have lots of photos. Or try a gift certificate of some sort. And if you attend the wedding but can't hang around waiting for the reception, don't feel guilty. It sounds as if the bride and groom are being a little bit selfish in their expectations.

Answer 4

Putting gift information on invites is always tacky. Give her the cash/giftcard she wants anyway...sure you could give her some hideous engraved gift she can't return but doing so is petty and spiteful making you just as rude as her. If you are truly that offended knock off a few bucks of what you would have spent if she hadn't put the request on the invites.

Most people don't send out written thank yous for birthday parties anymore and you really shouldn't base what you will give based on what you have gotten. Sorry but that's just as greedy as her.....is she your friend for the gifts you can squeeze out of her or because you enjoy her company? If you don't enjoy her company why continue the friendship? You talk about how you can't afford a huge wedding gift....have you ever thought that maybe all she could afford to give you for your baby shower was the hand-me-downs? You may think you know everything about her finances but trust me as a person that's been there...when the funds start running thin you don't run around advertising that to the world and many people don't even realize.

Having an hors de ovures reception is a big sign that she doesn't have as much money as you did for your wedding and cannot do a full meal. If you want to help her celebrate her day you go. If you feel that she's not worth it without a full meal then let her know you will be going home early. She has announced the fact beforehand so guests will not be blindsided by lack of meal and her times are perfectly appropriate according to ettiqute. I can pretty much gurantee the idea is you leave the ceremony, go eat lunch while they take pics to save on cocktail hour AND the catering bill, then come back and party down. If you find that offensive then go home after the ceremony and if you decide you want to give a gift you can easily trust that to one of the bridal party.

Answer 5

Sorry but I find it laughable that people get their panties in a wad because they didn't get a thank you card for anything. You ARE being petty if you don't want to get a gift because she didn't send a thank you card for a prior present or the fact she didn't get you a baby shower gift.

Do you have a scoreboard for how many presents you've gotten each other as well as any thank you cards given and received? Some friend.

Now that poem about money instead of presents is cute, but yeah it shouldn't have been in the invitations. Shower or word of mouth would have been better.

Give what you can afford, if you cannot afford anything then get a nice card, or get a pretty wedding picture frame. Or don't get her anything, its up to you.

Don't give a gift if you can't afford it. But don't NOT give a gift because of the thank you note you didn't receive OR because she didn't give you a baby shower gift, that is just petty.

However, if she is not a good friend then you should just decline going and send a congrats card.

Answer 6

The resentment you have towards your friend suggests to me that you really don't want to go to her wedding, and if you feel this way...don't go. Just put "will not attend" and enclose a small American Gift Card for $25. I don't what part of the country you live in, but back east where I come from, it is money...that is it. The fact that she asked for money on her wedding invitation is the eppitamy of tackiness. Terrible...and she should be ashamed of herself. If you do decide to go..just enclose a nominal gift of $50 bucks in an American Express Gift Card and be done with it. What can you do? If you cannot afford it...just decline the invitation and be done with it and forget about it.

Answer 7

What your friend did was tacky, even being in a cute little rhyme doesn't cover that up. Being in the situation you're in, I would just give her as much as I could afford at the moment in money or gift card to some place. Don't feel guilty, like you should be giving her more or something better... if you cannot afford it, there is nothing for you to do. If you feel that you would rather buy her a gift than hand her money, call up her parents/maid of honor and as them if you can get something special on a budget. You can always fall back on the typical things that wedding couples get, Bed Bath and Beyond has a "under $50" part of their website:
http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/stylePage.asp?order_num=-1&RN=768
Don't stress yourself out too much. She doesn't seem to be too good of a friend if she has done that type of stuff to you.

Answer 8

It is really bad manners to mention money on an invite. You are right not to feel obligated to get her an expensive gift, if you cannot afford it then no one one expect you to spend a huge amount, if she is your friend then she would understand that you cannot afford it and she would be grateful for just a card, if you were my friend then I would be happy just to have you attend my wedding. However she seems like quite a flippant character and unappreciative of whatever gestures you have made in the past, I personally would not worry about it, buy her something useful but inexpensive.

Answer 9

some people are so greedy and so lacking in taste that it amazes me! and this one is right up there.
she hasn't treated you very nicely and i think its nice of you to do anything for her wedding but if their home is complete and they don't want for a darned thing then i would suggest a gift of a donation to your favorite charity in their name.
IE:
breast cancer
homeless shelters
hot lunch programs at schools
heart and stroke foundation
lung association
s.p.c.a.
the local hospital
whatever it may be.
the best part of a gift like this is you can donate however much you can afford, whether its twenty dollars or a hundred dollars, and they will never know what it was. the charities simply send a nice card saying a donation was made in honor of your wedding by mrs. ekbaby83.......

second and third weddings are getting to be so commonplace and they are blending two households full of furnishings so in my opinion they don't need anything but charities do!

as for gift cards, to me they are the same as cash, and many stores only honor them for a set time - so if the happy couple don't use the card asap the stores pocket your money. truly a huge waste of your money.
as for her reception, i don't believe her menu indicates she doesn't have money as someone else suggested, and even if it does thats her problem. not yours.
do the donation thing kiddo! that way you have given a gift and helped a charity that is truly appreciative of your donation.

Answer 10

I agree that asking for any type of gift in the wedding invitation is rude, and tacky. To make that point, I would not give her money. I would purchase a modest gift that suits your budget, such as a bottle of champagne and two champagne glasses, or towels, or spices, or a picnic basket.
Have a great time at the wedding.