feeling stresseed lately emotionally drained help lighten the load with a laugh.
2007-08-18 16:28:47 · 18 answers · asked by Sh00ting_St@r! 4 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
a blonde goes to the store and buys a blue tarp a canoe and some paddles. she goes to the park and lays down the blue tarp. puts the boat on it and gets in. she starts to paddle. another bonde comes by and says you know its blondes like you that make us look stupid. if i knew how to swim i would come out there and strangle you.
2007-08-18 16:45:45 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 1⤋
When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE *** THAN YOURS!
2007-08-18 23:46:36 · answer #2 · answered by ♥Chamillitary Amberleé♥ 5 · 4⤊ 1⤋
I can't really tell which one is my favorite but I like these ones quite a bit. There some of my favorites.
1. 2 peanuts walked into a bar...
One was a salted.
2. 2 men walked into a bar...
The 3rd one ducked!
3. A magician was riding down the street...
Then he turned into a driveway!
4. Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
5. A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
6. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.
7. One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.
After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"
"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.
"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"
"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."
About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"
"I'm right year Doc," he said.
"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"
"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."
A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"
"Right here docta," he said.
"Wonderful news! It's-"
"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."
8. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A Fsh.
9. A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
10. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
I have no I-Deer
11. Once upon a time 2 blondes went to a concert and the driver accidently left the keys in the car.
When they got out to the car the first blonde tried to open the lock with a coathanger.
While the second blonde was waiting, she said, "Hurry up it's starting to rain and the top is open."
12. An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.
The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.
The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"
The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle."
"Wow," says the American, "Can I have a go?"
"Sure," says the Englishman.
The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish," said the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.
The American says, "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The englishman says, "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?."
13. Moses, Jesus and an old man were out golfing one day.
Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.
Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.
The old man drives his ball, it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was picked up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, it crashed onto the green, the fish flopped out of its mouth, and the ball rolled out of the fish and into the hole.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your dad."
I hope you liked them.
2007-08-18 23:34:53 · answer #3 · answered by M&M 5 · 5⤊ 1⤋
Parking Space
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under
the windshield wiper that read:
I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment.
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note
"I've circled this block for 10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
.
2007-08-19 00:33:00 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
a mexican a black and a white guy are on a beach
and they come across a lamp and they rub it and a genie comes out and says you all get 3 wishes and the mexican goes i wish all my people were back in mexico with good jobs and poof hes gone all the mexicans are out of america and in mexico the black guy comes up and says i wish all my poeple never came to america in slavery and stayed in africa poof all the blacks are otu of american and back in africe so the white guy comes up and says so wait all the mexicans and blacks are out of america the genie nods yes then the white guy says Ok then I'll have a coke
2007-08-18 23:53:05 · answer #5 · answered by ChiSox4Life57 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
A pregnant woman goes into a coma after an accident.
When she awakes, she screams,"Doctor, where is my baby?" The doctor says, Actually you had twins, a boy and a girl. Your brother is caring for them.
The woman says, "My brother!! He's an idiot!!"
What did he name them?
The doctor says he named your daughter,Deniece.
The woman says, "Oh, that's not so bad."
What did he name my son?
The doctor said, DeNephew.
2007-08-18 23:46:59 · answer #6 · answered by India 1 · 5⤊ 1⤋
~Why couldn't the monkey catch the banana?
Because the banana split!
~Why did the dumb blonde stare at the orange juice container?
Because it said concentrate!
~How come your nose isn't 12 inches?
Because it would be a foot!
I hope you feel better! I've been there and done that.
2007-08-18 23:38:36 · answer #7 · answered by pup 4 · 5⤊ 1⤋
a girl was walking to school when a old man called her "hey girl can you climb up this tree and get me the fruit i'll pay u a dollar each". it was pretty early so the girl agreed. this happened for 3 days. on the third day, she went home telling her mom "hey mom this man gave me a dollar for each fruit i plucked". her mom went "are you stupid? he just want to see your underwear!!!!!"
and the girl said....
....... your dying to find out.....
"phew that's lucky i didn't wear any!!!"
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process,
the computer advised him that he would now, need to
enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and
figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this
to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his
password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife
what he was entering by stating each letter out
loud as he typed:
P... E... N... I... S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the
computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
Judge: Order order!
People: i order 1 ham with chese and 1 coke
Judge : ????
------------------------------...
Father: Jack did you push your brother down the stairs?
Jack: No, i only push him 1 step and he fell down the rest himself.
Father :...
------------------------------...
What you call fish with no eyes?
FSH
------------------------------...
Why is the turtle always get scolded?
BECAUSE he is always late.
------------------------------...
Why did the woman put lipstick on her forehead?
To make-up her mind.
------------------------------...
Why did the woman put her rollerskates on her rocking chair?
She want to rock and roll!
------------------------------...
What is a best way to catch a squirrel?
Act like a nut.
------------------------------...
What did the bird say to the fish?
Nice to eat you.
------------------------------...
What did you give to a sick lemon?
Lemon-aid
------------------------------...
Why cant you tell a joke to a ice berg?
It will crack up.
------------------------------...
How do sheeps get clean?
They baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaath.
------------------------------...
Last joke.
A Woman waiting for her husband worried suddely he came back,
Wife :Finally you are back!
Husband: No this is my front(he turn) Then this is my back(he turn front again)
Wife: One of your workers was caught shopliftting!
Husband: My workers are strong but they NOT superman cannot lift a shop.
Wife: shoplifting means stealing...
Husband : what he steal.
Wife : a pencilsharper...
Husband :-.-''
2007-08-18 23:58:15 · answer #8 · answered by ღ_Chrome_ღ 3 · 1⤊ 4⤋
A friend of mine recently got into an accident... he rear ended this poor guy in front of him. Well, the guy gets out, and he's a Dwarf. Anyway, the guy goes up to my friend, JP, and says 'I'm not happy!'
My friend then says 'Well then which one are you?'
2007-08-18 23:42:46 · answer #9 · answered by A.P. 4 · 5⤊ 1⤋
the best part of waking up is not folgers in your cup but knowing that chuck norris didnt kill you in your sleep!!
2007-08-18 23:50:20 · answer #10 · answered by zim 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋