My family was very disfunctional, did I make the right choice?

Question

I'm 16. My family was very disfunctional about a year and a half ago. My dad would hit me. Always arguments and I felt stupid all the time. I eventually tried to commit suicide. I had a friend who was a little bit older than me that I talked to about everything that happened and she called cps. The cps woman came to my school and asked me lots of questions. I denied all of it. My friend has hated me ever since. My family was still very disfunctional. I have had to go to counseling and the only thing that has helped is my dad getting a new job. I regret every day the decision I made in lying to the cps woman but my other choice would have been to break up my family. Was I wrong or right?

I tried to patch things up with my friend but she's an 19 and ended up moving to Australia.

Answer 1

First, put your foot down and stop kicking yourself in the butt for not having done something last year. Your reaction was based on fear, on a sense of family obligation, on guilt or whatever other reaction, but it is common--whether or not it is right.
You are not the adult, and from all indications, as you did not mention otherwise, there is another adult living in your household. Your mother is in an apparent sense of denial, also common in families of abusive parent(s).
It is what they call the "Elephant in the Living Room" Syndrome. Beacuse of misplaced family loyalties, members of a family will do what they have to do to deny what is going on. It is like having a huge elephant in the living room, and not seeing it or denying it is there when someone else sees it. It is an all-too-common situation.

You have a few options, both now and in the future. You can call CPS and explain why you lied, and tell the woman you spoke to how you are feeling. They can re-open a case file if there is just cause.

You can sit down with someone in school, knowing that if there is child abuse or suspected child abuse, they are under legal and ethical regulations mandating that they report it for you.

You may be able to find possible ways to avoid your father, by getting active in after school activities. I did that as a survivor of physical/emotional child abuse to avoid a father who worked at night, and it led to a lifetime of helping others as a volunteer.

You can concentrate on your needs, avoiding your father at home as much as possible, and even getting a job if possible.

You can recognize that just because someone "purchases a ticket" for you to take a "guilt trip," only you can decide to punch the ticket and take that trip and feel guilty or not. The trip though can last the rest of your lifetime, affect the relationships you have, your choice in men or women (I do know of several cases in which women entered lesbian relationships to avoid ever having someone like their father in their lives)...and if you take the guilt trip, it may lead to some serious consequences such as the ones you have already taken to ease the pain and the guilt that is not yours to begin with. Give it to your father...it's his guilt trip, not yours.

You can learn the true meaning of forgiveness, and forgive your father for being ill...knowing that forgiveness is NOT TAKING HIM OFF THE HOOK, it is not holding inside the pain, the anger, the hostile feelings because you are seeing it is not yours to own. Your dad has serious issues. I have come to realize anger and rage, abusive behaviors are the reactions to our being unable to deal with something that is hurting us. In my father's case, he had been an abused child himself whose mother died at age 3. He got married after not being loved to a woman who truly loved him and wanted to have a family with him, but I was born too soon, and he never got the chance to feel loved for himself before he had to share that love with me.
It took me years to deal with his abuse, to realize I was not the nobody that he got me, with each whipping, to tell him I was. Now, I see that nobody ever tried to help him deal with his pain, only with the resultant anger.
Forgive your father, not by thinkign he is doing the right thing--HE'S NOT--but by realizing he is hurting over something so deeply inside and he can't cope with it, and let it be his problem, his pains.
As you get older, you will understand what I mean, I pray, if you can cope with your own pains long enough to get through this stage of your life. When you get older, you can walk away and not look back if that is what you feel is best.
I don't think your friend "hates you," besides she has moved, but I think she is hurting that here she did what she felt was best, wanting to see you spared, and you did not support her. She is having her own hurt, but you are hurting so deeply inside and just did not want to destroy your family.
Hold onto that compassion, let it carry you. Use it to turn to a Higher Power, and when you are old enough--seek out Codependents Anonymous--CoDA. It will help you deal with your own issues.
There are support groups here on Yahoo for abuse victims. Seek them out, and read other stories. You will know how common your response was.
And be willing when you are older and free to let go and let GD--don't hold onto the pain any longer than you have to, so you can control it, it does not control you.

Trust me--been there--I am 54, and at 47, I tried to deal in the worst way possible. I am now a counselor trainee, going back to school, and I do know things I did not back then. I am trying to pass on wisdom of my own experience. I hope it helps.

Answer 2

You were wrong. A highly disfunctional family may need to be broken up, if only for tests and counseling prior to putting everything back together again.

Now, is he still hitting you? Arguments? Calling you stupid? Are you still suicidal? Call cps. It's the only way to get you out of there unless you have family nearby you can stay with long-term until you're 18.

Feeling suicidal? Call 911.

Getting hit? Call 911.

Don't play around with this, sweetie. People with anger problems have the potential to snap and then anything could happen.

Take care and don't be afraid to talk to someone, even me. I'll place the call for you if you like. E-mail me and I'll give you my cell number.

TX Mom
Not a counsellor

Answer 3

Your 'friend' will be okay. The one I am worried about is you. Is your dad still hitting you? I am assuming by 'hitting you' you mean really beating. It is not to late to contact the authorities yourself.
Do you have younger siblings that are going through the same thing as you? Unfortunately, you may be the only protection they will have from the same abuse you have been enduring. Where is your mother when this is going on?
What you did was neither wrong or right. You had to make a decision and whether it was really not to break up your family, or out of fear of what would happen to you if you did speak up, only you really know. But you do not deserve to be in a place were you are abused. NO CHILD deserves to live in abuse. Please contact someone, a teacher, police, social worker, anyone who can help you and keep you safe.
But remember, there is a difference between abuse, and discipline. And I have never known of a 16 year old who didn't argue with her father.
Good Luck, and God be with you and your family.

Answer 4

Not sure if you were wrong or right, but you did the best you could. That's a pretty serious decision for a 16 yr. old to have to make. Don't be too hard on yourself. The only way you will know if it was right is years from now. My husband grew up in a dysfunctional family. Not physical, but very emotional and verbal. He had to grow up fast and learn to be wise and make good decisions at a young age. He has done well with his life and I am very proud of him. Perhaps your situation will turn out as well. Just remember that your family cannot determine your future. Stay strong, and set high standards for yourself. Get an education, good job, and move away from your family.

Answer 5

Chances are the CPS woman knew that you were lying, but with out confirmation from you, she couldn't really intervene. You did make your friend look bad, but you might have been scared of what would happen to your family had you told the truth and things may get worse at home if the cps woman came to your house and talked to your parents about investigating. You weren't wrong or right, and your friend had a right to be mad but she also didn't know where you were coming from with your denial. Don't sweat it too much.

Answer 6

You have no choice but to let go of what you did in the past, except for to use it to learn. It sounds to me that breaking the family up is the least of your problems. You can always go back to the cps and tell them the truth. Usually their goal is to keep the family together if at all possible. They can also force family therapy. The abuse you receive today will cause damage you may never recover from. At the very least you need help. Speak with an adult you trust. Shop for therapists until you find one you like. Find out what your options are and choose one. I wish you nothing but the best.

Blessed Be

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through sounds really tough. If you and you're brother are being abused you need to call the police right away. You sound like a nice young lady and I'm telling you suicide is not the answer! Keep following your dreams no matter what anyone tells you. And know that there is always someone out there that loves you even if you don't know it yet. Just keep your head up, be strong I know you can get through this better days will come. And remember that life is precious, don't let anyone drive you to take your own life away. Keep looking out for your younger brother and keep the faith.

Answer 8

i dont know, but my advice is to be careful not to fall into a relationship w/an abusive man. wrong relationships sometimes seem right because they feel like "home" so you have to be careful of the signs to avoid more pain and suffering. i recommend the book "Why does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by lundy bancroft. it not only explains how abusive men "reel you in" and have their way, but it also explains how the abusive father has an impact on the entire family. (the book by the way, isnt just about abusive men, but abusive people, but the main focus is on abusive men) being 16, this book could give you an excellent heads up on what to watch out for. i had a disfunctional/abusive family and i married an abusive man. wish i had the book when i was 16. good luck and good question

Answer 9

We have services like your cps and they do remove the children in cases like yours but not for good they try to keep the families together but get the help they need. You did not make the wrong decision you are young and this is to much for you to handle. Try letting your friend know you were caught off guard but never meant to betray her. But a word to the wise be careful who you tell if you don't want the way out.

Answer 10

If you in your heart think it to be right then it was. I think that you must understand that even if you do something against the will of your parents, whether or not they have jobs or not, no one has a right to hit you as you described. Always remember that that if you can hold out for two years in most states you are an adult and can move out.
Remember too that you are not alone, Jesus Christ came from a "disfunctional family"

Answer 11

it's a super difficult decision ! ......my life was like that...i was the 3rd out of 5 daughters, my dad has mental issues, but that didn't stop my pains, i ran away at 15, by then, he had tried to drown me, cut my throat, he beat me so bad i had stitches above my temple( my mom lied to cover for him) and he also sat on my chest and tried to strangle me... i got the worst because... he wanted a son ! i just couldn't go to the authorities, i knew i would be split up from my sisters...and i just endured till, i knew i was going to end up dead...so i left. but it has been a life long struggle in every area.... i didn't get a good education, had 2 children and divorced early. i quit seeing him 6 yrs ago...he won't change....and i have to have peace in my life...i'm 48. the best advise i can give you, is try to get good counseling, don't keep your pain inside, and DON'T WALK AROUND EMBARASSED BY WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE !! you were the child, he is the adult.....youv'e done nothing wrong......( i have found that most people can't comprehened what i try to explain about my abuse, so i stick with getting counseling from about 2 trusted pastors) if things turn for the worse, seek help.....don't worry too much about your 19 year old friend, the older she gets, the more she will understand why you are hestitant. PARENT'S THAT ABUSE, SEEM TO NOT EVEN TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION, THAT ONE DAY THIS CHILD WILL GROW UP AND BE AN ADULT, AND WILL FACE ME EYEBALL TO EYEBALL.............BEST WISHES!