you guys seem so honest, please help, even if it doenst belong here?

Question

I need some advice, my sons dad has never had anything to do with him for almost ten years. My son had to have brain surgery and wanted to talk to his dad before he went in. so I searched and found him, my son called and this woman hung up on him twice. I didn’t know how else to contact him, I new where she worked though and got to talking to a friend who emailed her, and her boss and another teacher, explained the situation and said who it was she was hanging up on. Well, that worked, he contacted Ryan and paid all his back child support, over $14000.00. He came to visit Ryan and everything and has been working to build a relationship with him. We moved closer to him so he could spend more time with him. The last couple of weeks he has went and spent every other weekend with his dad. The girlfriend wont have anything to do with me at all. His dad is not aloud to use the home phone to call him, and wont call him from home at all, he waits till he is at work to call from his Cell phone. If he does have to call from home, its like 5 seconds and hangs up. He calls back later when he is at work from his Cell. The last time my son went to visit, he asked her if he could call me, she told him no, when he asked why she said “ your mom did something very mean to me and I don’t want her having my phone number, if I would have pushed it I could have put her in jail for a very long time” and that’s a lie, I did nothing that could put me in Jail, he asked if he could use his dads cell, she again said no. she would not let him call me. He came home and told me about this I emailed his dad, his dad of course stuck up for her and said she was the sweetest person on earth, oh the excuse from her for hanging up on ryan was she thought it was a prank call, then he said it was because he told ger not to talk to anybody she didn’t know, the story keeps changing. Anyway she is the sweetest person on earth and would never hurt ryan in anyway, and he thinks we are lying that she hung up on Ryan. Well, we got into a huge fight over it all, I told him she could have said that, we was not getting a long at the moment and she would prefer he didn’t use her phone. Well, he was sticking up for her and even putting ryan down to do it. Trying to blame everybody but her. I told him that if she didn’t get over herself and start thinking about what she and him was doing to my son he could not spend anymore nights over there, he could come here and spend time with Ryan. Well, he came today and wants to pretend that nothing ever happened, is ignoring what I said, and told ryan he could spend the night the next time. I was at work during this time. He has no rights, I have soul custody. Am I in the wrong here? Or are they?

Answer 1

It is a sad affair, but that is what can happen. I have so many friends who had children with this one or that one, and did not stay together. Yet, by means of the children, they can never really be truly separate. This is why, I think that people should wait to get married until they ar a little older, and have matured somewhat. In this day and age, so many of us are struggling with this instant gratification system that we need more time to realize that the best things we can have take time.
Relationships take time, and maturing certainly takes more time these days. I did not get married til I was 33, and had settled into the idea that as a man, I had certain responsiblities, that when married carried over into putting the children and their stability over the petty things that seemed do important to me when I was younger. In my teens and twenties, I would have ended up divorced with child support, if I had gotten married then.

Answer 2

I think she is wrong, but you're not helping the situation and neither is the Dad. Everyone is so caught up on who is right and wrong that Ryan is the one suffering.

Be the better person and let it go. You and the girlfriend will need to at least tolerate each other for the sake of Ryan. Just keep in mind you are doing it so the son can have a relationship with his Father. That's what really matters. And you will be doing the right thing be helping that happen for Ryan.

In the meantime, get a cheap cell phone for Ryan so he can call you wherever he is and when he needs to. That way, the phone will no longer be an issue.

Good luck and God bless you.

Answer 3

Yeesh that's a mess.
So did you do anything to upset the girlfriend? You said nothing that would get you sent to jail but never said you did nothing at all. So maybe she has a point? Only time will work this out.
Can you afford to get your son a cell phone to take to his dad's house so you can still contact him? If not I would say you are justified to not let him over there. If there is an emergency you should be able to reach him. Also he should be able to call you whenever he wants. If the dad really wants him over there bring up getting a cell phone to the dad.
Don't let the dad drop it. Seek a resolution. You've raised your son so far on your own and should know what's best for him.

Answer 4

It seems to me there are more issues flying here than jets hovering Kennedy airport. You certainly have a dilemma.

First, I hope you son had his surgery and is recovering well.

Who is "right" or "wrong" is not the main focus but the relationship your son wants with his father.

Obviously, your ex's girlfriend is trying to protect what she considers her "property" -- your ex -- from you and, perhaps, your son. That's pretty obvious so have nothing to do with her. The less contact with her, the better.

Since your ex paid his back child support and you have sole custody, I'm not sure an attorney is the answer. Evidently your ex realizes the severity of your son's situation and, apparently, wants to spend some time with him. That was the purpose of your efforts in locating your ex, right? So let him into your son's life.

Whether he (your ex) follows through or not is unimportant at this stage. It provides you son with hope and that's important. Remember, your son knows who you are as both a person and a mother. He is aware that his father had no contact in all of this time and that you provided him with comfort and support, both emotionally and physically.

Perhaps, your ex can pick up your son and drop him off at your home to minimize contact with the girlfriend. You can also get him his own cell so he can contact you when spending time with his father rather than relying on his father's cell or home phone.

I'm not sure if all of this is helpful and you may wish to speak with a counselor for some professional input.

May all be at peace.

John

Answer 5

he seems to be taking a part in the kids life, regardless of her shenanigans you should allow him full and informal access to the kid when ever, You're at work and he's gonna take the kid out fine so long as you trust he will take care of him and bring him back. So, don't try to say you have sole custody and use that against him like some political wedge. That's is the same thing you are complaining about with him sticking up for the girl and putting his son down to do it. You shouldn't want to act in such a way regardless of other people behaviour.

You may need to work out some things with the girlfriend but it doesn't seem like enough to warrant not allowing him to see the kid, and see the kid in a normal relaxed atmosphere, not some schedual of visitation but however it works out informally and naturally, surprise visit on tuesday, yay, not get out of here it's not your day, it's not your turn on the boogie board.

Also Let the girl know that you do not want to steal him back. Or do you? Is that why you and her don't get along? The kid and situation certainly threatens her hopes of a happy 'normal' home. Maybe one of the problems.

Answer 6

Somehow send a note to her and say you are sorry for any and everything you have ever done to hurt her.
It matters not even a little bit if you think there's nothing you have done. Some how you hurt her even if it was a misunderstanding.
If you do this, and swallow your pride, it will help your son. Now read that last sentence again.

If this goes unanswered, just let it go. Your son can get to a phone if it is really needed .
Don't get your son involved or his father. Let it go! Don't put any stress on this relationship, your son needs his father!
OH and pray about it.
†

Answer 7

You have control of the child in my opinion, since you raised him w/o the dad for ten years. I presume you were not married, so that especially makes you the boss. I would not do anything to jeopardize the relationship with his dad now that they are finally family. A boy needs a father figure to be happy. I suggest you get your son his own cell phone. You can buy minutes and not have the burden of a monthly bill. Don't be jealous of his girlfriend, it's a big adjustment for her also.

Answer 8

I would never communicate with the woman at all. The boy is not a toddler and you can talk plainly to him and tell him what the law allows and what it doesn't. I would communicate with his dad by letter and email or calling his place of work (if possible) Visits with his dad ought to be allowed but they should be arranged through your lawyer and spelled out if they cannot be done amicably through the two of you. He should not be allowed at his dad's house or in the presence of the girlfriend. You need to let your son know plainly what is allowed and what is not, if he wants to have a relationship with his dad. Let his dad make an appointment to call the boy from somewhere besides his home.

Answer 9

wow....lot of hurt feelings here! Bottom line ...my reaction is....put the kid first. Even if his dad is sticking up for the gf....your son needs a relationship with his dad....period. Even is he is dead wrong and you are 100% right...which is what it sounds like...still put your son 1st. If you don't, he will resent you and then you may win the argument but lose your son, or at least his respect. Your son will figure things out for himself...just give it time. As long as he is not in physical danger with his dad....I assume he is not or you would not let him go....then I would just let it be. Maybe get your son a cell phone of his own to carry with him. I wish you the best.

Answer 10

The thing is you decided to track him down and now you have the drama. Your son is now wanting a relationship with his father. I would suggest you keep your issues with the mean lady to yourself. For the sake of your son. And make sure that there is a time set up when it is understood he will be calling you. Or you will have to put serious limits on the time your son spends there for his own good. Good luck.