how did you get out of a violent relationship ???

Question

Hi ! I'ved been in a violent relationship for 2 years(he's been manipulative,controlling and violent) and he still get to me by leaving e_mails saying i'm a worthless b$%ch.Leaving me message on my answering machine wishing that i was dead..Why did i do to deserve this?I broke it off 3 weeks ago and to day i told him to act like i'm dead(don't know if that the way to react but...)Ive'd been isolated and have no self esteem(meaning i have no friends and no resources.)How long did it take for you to get on your feet and what steps did you take to get there ???Help !!(question to guys: do you see from a distance if a girl have low self esteem? if so how can you tell ?)

Answer 1

I'm responding first to your last question - and the guys DON'T consciously see the low self-esteem, but we are all UNCONSCIOUSLY drawn to people with whom we can repeat the patterns we had in childhood in some new form, in the hope that this time it can be different. It very rarely is... so we get reinforced in our need to go round and round the same circuit, trying to find a way out.

You have done nothing to deserve the abuse you have suffered, but my hunch would be that you've put up with it for so long because part of you feels either this is all you deserve or that abuse is the closest you've known to love. Or both.

To get out of this repeating pattern - not just get over this particular man, but to stop getting into abusive relationships - psychotherapy is really the best route. I hope you have the money to do this or can find a source of good free or cheap psychotherapy. Please do make absolutely certain to go to someone properly trained and registered/accredited - it would be a seriously false economy to go to someone because they are cheap, and might do you more harm than good.

Answer 2

There must be 50 ways to leave your lover:
You just slip out the back Jack,
make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy,
you just listen to me.
Oh you hop on the bus, Gus,
you don't need to discuss much!
Just drop off the key, Lee,
And get yourself free.

- Paul Simon

Now:

1. Get some money together, along the lines of more than a couple thousand dollars, so you can set yourself up in a new apartment, and have enough left over for food, and utilities for 2 months.
2. Move out.
3. Change your e-mail address - get 3 new ones. 1 is for ONLY close family and trusted friends. 2 is for business. 3 is for junk e-mails. DO NOT access your old e-mail. Re-sign up for your favorite websites using the new physical address and new e-mail.
4. Buy a new phone, pre paid is fine, and ONLY give your new phone number to your parents. DO NOT install an answering machine in your new place.
5. In the 2 months at your new apartment, save up enough money to move to a new state across the country. Tell only your trusted friends you are moving.
6. In your new place to live, find the number for local counseling for battered women. Each city should have a support group for this. Join up and participate. They should help provide you with counseling, a safety net, and access to financial aid and services to put you in a safe house.
7. If he is preventing you from having any money, contact your local battered women's shelter TODAY and get help RIGHT NOW. No amount of feelings you have for the guy is worth your physical safety, or the safety of your kids. Let go of the idea that because he is the father, he needs to be in their lives. NO HE DOES NOT! No amount of physical abuse of you or your kids is worth any connection to an abuser just because he is the father. Get over that idea!
You are NOT Worthless. He beats you up because you are actually better than he is. He beats you up because he actually feels inferior to you and is trying to beat you down to build himself up. But he will never change. Get used to that idea. You are a child of a god who created you and loves you. He does not want you to stay in a place where your life is threatened. God has provided a means for your safety in the form of battered women's shelters and hotlines.

http://www.bwf1.com/
is a website for a battered women's shelter and hotline.
CALL: Battered Women's Foundation

[phone]

OR
National Domestic Violence Hotline [phone]-SAFE

and get help NOW. DO NOT HESITATE! You are a child worth saving in the eyes of God, Jesus, and oh yeah, ME!

Answer 3

Leave! Are you going to wait to and make headlines?