This is my first formal dinner. Please help?

Question

First off, I have a sever nut allergy...30 min to live if I ingest nuts and I told the host. Incase she forgot and for my own saftey, I plan to check with the person serving the food. If there are nuts, is it rude to ask for something different or not eat it? Should I contact her a couple days before and remind her about my allergy?

Second, what topics should I avoid. I tend to be really opinionated and speak my mind...sometimes I speak with out thinking first but I'm going to try my best not to at the dinner.

Third, can someone please remind me about proper table manners? I know not to speak with my mouth full and no elbows on the table. But for a formal dinner, there's probably more that I shouldn't do and do.

Any other advice would be great!
Thanks

Answer 1

While it might be a bore for your hostess to be continually reminded about your nut allergy, it's going to be a lot more inconvenient if you die at her dinner party!

Yes, phone the day before and say that you wanted to check if you'd spoken to her about your nut allergy. Apologise for any inconvenience and thank her for being careful with ingredients, as you hate it when things go wrong and you have to be rushed to hospital! Say it in a humorous tone, but ensure she understands how serious it is.

As for speaking your mind, it is YOU that have been invited to this dinner, not someone else. You've probably been invited because the hosts like you and enjoy your company, or someone else does. So be yourself! Just remember to take a breather and let someone else have the floor every now and again ~ in other words, get on your high horse if you like, but get off it occasionally so others can have a ride!

The key is not to be so outspoken as to cause a general argument. For example, someone may say "I hate cats", and you love cats. You can say "Oh, what a shame, people who hate cats miss out on so much. I love them", without saying "Well anyone who hates cats is an idiot and I hope you die". I'm sure you see the difference.

The golden rule here is that the dinner is your hosts' night, not yours. You are not there to be the star of the show, and if things start getting too hot, you should tone it down so that their party will not be spoiled. remember that the others have been invited because they are people the host/s like for some reason ~ you can always 'agree to disagree' and change the subject.

As far as your manners go, instead of diving in and throwing your food down your throat, lol, just watch what others do. You can always take your lead from your host and hostess. What they do is what is acceptable at their dinner party (even if it is 'wrong'). It's the old 'when in Rome, do as the Romans do' trick!

And relax! You have been invited somewhere because people like you and want to get to know you better. You have nothing to prove except that you enjoy the company of others and can be an amusing guest wo helps the party be a pleasant event for everyone.

Just remember that everyone else is probably as nervous as you, in their own way, and plan to have a good time and you should be fine :-)

Best wishes :-)

Answer 2

It's fine to double check with her, and remind her of your allergy. Even let her know that things cooked in nut oils will send you to the hospital, as those who don't know of nut allergies may assume that only the whole nut causes a problem.

It is not okay to ask for something different, if a dish containing nuts is served. Perhaps plan to eat a snack before you arrive, so you can decline without your stomach growling. Or bring something in a purse or pocket to discreetly eat later.

Try and avoid controversial topics, such as politics and religion. Let others bring up topics and only add your opinions after you've given a few seconds thought to what you're going to say.

Most people don't really know all the proper table manners these days, so unless you're the only one there that isn't used to formal dinners, don't stress too much. Watch other people and do what they're doing. Put your napkin in your lap, use the outside utensils first, wait for everyone to be served before starting to eat, don't slurp your food, etc.

Just be polite, use conversational manners (please, thank you, etc), and common sense. You'll be fine.

~Kyanna

Answer 3

Having an allergy is probably your biggest problem but most foods don't contain nuts. Stay away from appetizers and desserts. They seem to be the most nut laden. Check with your hostess about the main dishes. In a social setting, it is wise to avoid politics and religion but any "attitude" is considered inappropriate.
Be nice, watch what is happening and fit in. Do not set yourself up as the opinionated bore that no one wants to be around. Again, listen a lot and say little if you are unsure. If you are not familiar with formal dinners, again, watch and follow. If you are not familiar with formal table settings with all the silverware and glassware arrangements, take on a "friend" to make sure you choose the right pieces at the right time. These types of things get easier with time and experience. Best always when you don't know to be the quiet and pleasant one and take your move from others.

Answer 4

I really disagree with the first person, you should ask for something else if it has nuts. It's not an issue of "Well, I don't like nuts, I want something else." If you're deathly allergic to it, it wouldn't be rude to make sure you're not eating it. But first you should remind your host you can't eat nuts two or three days before the dinner, because it'd be awkward to ask for something else once you've already been served.

Generally, you shouldn't talk about politics, money or religion in polite company.

Put your napkin on your lap, don't eat too quickly, and if you spill anything, don't make a big fuss over it, just clean it up as best you can. But if, say, you spill a glass of water on the floor, there's no need to get on your hands and knees, wiping it up with your napkin. If there's lots of forks and spoons and you get confused, remember to start from the outside in. Like, the fork for the first course will be the outtermost one, then the second one is next, etc.

Answer 5

There is no need to remind the host, but you may want to remind the server the first time he/she comes to deliver the drinks or salads. Be sure to bring your epipen, just in case.

Avoid every topic that you have a strong or controversial opinion about. Polite conversation where you don't know anyone is to talk about how you know the hostess and go from there. Ask more questions and give fewer answers, people will always be impressed.

Proper table manners: Put your napkin in your lap the moment you sit down. When you stand, fold it in your seat. As for silverware, start from the outside and work your way in. Never put dirty/used silverware back onto the table; rest it on your plate. If you start doing something (like crunching ice or chewing loudly) and people give you quiet looks, stop.

Answer 6

It is not rude to ask the person serving the food if the dish(es) are nut-free. You can be polite, and just say "I have an extreme allergy to nuts".

Avoid saying anything that will offend your host(s), and guests. You can talk about anything and speak your mind, but don't be rude.

As for table manners - they usually set the silverware up so that the utensil on the outside is the first one you will use. If you are unsure, wait and watch what others do first. If you leave the table in the middle of dinner, leave your napkin on your chair - do not place it on the table.

Don't sweat it - its just dinner - try to have fun!

Answer 7

Yes, it's rude not to eat. Even if there are nuts in the food, you must eat it and die. You'll die, but everybody will say how polite you were.
As for table manners, it's considered to be rude to smoke during dinner without using a cigarette holder. You can use your own wine glass for an ash tray, or the glass of a person to your right (not left.)
You must carry a conversation in a very loud voice, so kitchen help can hear you.
If you use an "F" word, you should always say: "If you pardon my French..." before using it (but no more than 3 times in each sentence.)
If there's music and dancing, never yell to the band: "Hit it, boys!" because these days there are a lot of female band members as well, so you must yell: "Hit it, boys and you bi*tches!"
Never dance on the table before the dinner is over and never kiss the host on the lips with your mouth full of food.
That's about it.

Answer 8

although it seems many people have already answered, i'll just give my two cents:
yes check the whole peanut thing with the host twice more:once about two days before and the actrual day of the dinner. If she tells you there is something with peanuts, just don't touch it. don't even alllow people to serve it to you. Say politly "Oh, no thank you , i'm allergic to peanuts, but thank-you." and say it with a smile, that way, you won't have to waste the food and when you say it others will hear and won't offer to serve you anything with peanuts.

topics to avoid: religion, money, polotics, job occupations, asking if their jewlery is authentic,
if you're as opinionated as you say you are, then here's my advice: say what is on your mind if you think it is relevent, but make it only one sentence. NEVER sya anything negative, no matter how funny it may be. First impression is everything. try to smile or laugh a bit , but not too loud.

for table manners or just plain advice, here's a couple:
-remember to have POSTURE (back straight, chest a bit "forward", and neck straight)
-be graceful, so example:when you pull out your chair, try to slide it out and slip your legs under the table and right before sittiing down straighten out the bottom of your skirt/dress.
-take the tineeiest bites and sips of food. you make feel silly, but it looks really proper
- NEVER EVER talk with you mouth full
-DAB your mouth before you talk to people
-lie your napkin on your lap (it 's it first thing you do after you sit)
-ALWAYS offer to serve food or drinks to anyone older pr the host
AND ACT NATURAL POISE.
Good luck
!!! i'm sure you'll do just fine. :)

Answer 9

You have every right to be concerned that the host remembers your nut allergy. If they know that you might die then I'm fairly certain that most people will remember that huge detail.

If I were hosting the party then I'd save every label and list every single ingredient that I used. I'd pull you aside and present the list to you so you could double check. Not many of us deal with food allergies like yours so I'm sure there are things that most people are likely to miss. You have a valid concern so just call and reassure yourself that they haven't forgotten.

Have fun!

Answer 10

I have nut alergies and mine are life or death and I always ask and make sure a couple of times. So yes you should call and when you are there ask again.Yea there are some more you should always try to keep your back on the back of the chair, and wipe your mouth after each part of the meal, and you should never just interupt people whlie they talk say excuse me, and always sa excuse me if you need someone to move.