Question about our 12 yr old?

Question

I would like to know if you think that I should have to constantly be on my 12 yr old step-daughter's butt about everything. Such as brushing her teeth, taking baths(even when on her period), using deoderant. Not leaving used pads on the bathroom floor open where everyone can see them. I'm talking about everytime reminders, not just once in a while.

Her father thinks it is my sole responsibility to be on top of her about everything she does because kids at that age need "constant guidance" I personally don't think after this long she needs me to remind her of what needs to be done. I was just curious if I am wrong. Should I tell my 12yr old every move to make?

Her father works 12-14hrs a day 6 days a week, he can't help but I have a toddler, & I'm 4 & 1/2 months pregnant. I also homeschool her because she has severe psoriasis & have to make sure she has her treatments daily. If I don't check her work, she doesn't do it or she just writes something down.

Answer 1

I'd start with issuing consequences. She's old enough to get focused about the things she needs to do. Perhaps start with teeth brushing and tell her that it's her responsibility and give her some brief reasons why (personal hygiene, dental care, etc), then say, "I shouldn't have to remind you. It's your body and your responsibility. So let's be clear. Going forward it is up to you to take care of your teeth. If you continue not to brush your teeth, you will not be able to..." go to the movies for a month... or whatever means something to her and makes an impact, but won't really kill her if she loses it. After awhile she'll get it.

Answer 2

I would sit her down and have a little chat with her. Naggin her won't work so tell her you're going to stop nagging her, but give her a list of things she has to do every day. If she showers in the morning you can give her a list of things that need to be done every morning. Take a shower, brush teeth, put on deoderant, feed the dog, leave on time, make your bed (or whatever you want her to do before she leaves in the morning). Give her a written list. Tell her that she has to do everything on that list every single morning. If she doesn't do it that day she will not be able to_________ (watch tv, use the computer, talk on the phone - or whatever you think will work).

You may not know if she used deoderant that day - but peer pressure is a powerful tool for a tween. The first time some boy tells her she stinks or her armpits are sweaty, she will start using it. Same with bad breath.

In the morning, when she's walking out the door (not any earlier) if she didn't do something on that list tell her "you didn't _______ today, so you don't get to watch tv when you get home". If she protests just tell her you warned her, you gave her the list and told her what the consequences would be. Then walk away.

As for the pads on the floor - I do like someone else's suggestion about putting them in her room. Or, when you have your little chat tell her exactly how you want her to dispose of them and that if she doesn't she will have to go clean the entire bathroom - floor to ceiling. Then the next time you find her pads on the floor - tell her to go clean the entire bathroom, spotless.

She really just needs to learn there are consequences for her actions. Just nagging her won't work. Just make sure that whatever you tell her will happen, that you stick to it and don't give in.

Answer 3

First, taking a bath during menses is not an issue but an old wives tale!

NO you should not be on her case all the time, making you "the bad guy." Let her father take some responsibility!

At her age she is rebellious and testing limits of authority. Back off and perhaps others in the home, like Dad, will complain. Do not pick up after her. But when she has done something well, make sure you praise her.

Perhaps if you had two bathrooms, you should not use the same one as she does so you don't see the mess. Only you and hubby can use the one off your bedroom. Others who use "her bathroom" it will have their own way of "taking care of her mess." I would tell her it is her sole responsibility to clean that bathroom!!

If she does not brush her teeth, her breath will stink and others like her friends will comment. If the bathroom is awful and her friends come over, they will see the ikky mess and comment. If she does not use deoderant, the same issue of smell.

Kids learn by example and I bet you have shown great examples and told her enough times about what is what that down deep inside her brain the information is there.

I would privately talk to her father about the situation. Tell him you are backing off. And perhaps, have a reward system in place when she does what she is supposed to do.

Something else to consider, do the children in the home ALL have chores. They should. My sister in law used the idea that if her children did something wrong during the week, she gave them 10 minutes more of chore time on the weekend, which had to be done before ANYTHING else. They had to clean their own rooms and the bathroom they shared, but added were the kitchen floor, etc. Think, perhaps there is another way of teaching her without the nagging. Nagging is a negative reinforcer and does not work, as you have learned.

Answer 4

My youngest is 10, and I did find that they all were reluctant to do things like take a shower up until about 12, when they suddenly became ultra clean and fussy (both girl and boy)! So I think that to some extent it is normal, but obviously you want to direct her in the right way (the pads thing is a bit over the top!!) Sometimes I have a chat with my 10-year-old, not just after she has been giving trouble, and tell her that she is getting older, and because I love her I am teaching her about keeping clean etc.. I tell her that when she is older she may feel embarrassed that everyone was seeing her used pads on the floor or that people thought she smelt bad.
However, a friend told me recently that her 14-year-old forgets to take her pads off her underwear and she finds them in the dirty clothes basket! So you are not alone!

Answer 5

Yes by 12 she should have manners...explain to her that if she does not brush her teeth they will simply fall out, have a word with the dentist and tell him she doesn't so next time he examines her teeth he can tell her she needs to brush more often....every night i would tell her at a certain time its bath...especially when her favorite thing is going to start on the TV and simply say well if you did it off your own back you can choose the time but since your a baby you need to be given a time...and as for the pads i would get some rubber gloves...pick them up and place them in her bedroom...and tell her if she wants to live like a slob that is fine but every pad you find on your bathroom floor will go in her room till she learns that it is disgusting...

hopefully that will help...

Answer 6

I could understand the taking a bath thing and brushing her teeth...(my little sister does that). But leaving pads on the floor?! That is just N-A-S-T-Y! I'd be EMBARRASSED to leave a pad on the floor...


My little sister is 12 and my mom has to constantly bug her to take a shower or brush her teeth. Sometimes she'll go a week without bathing and she STINKS, yet doesn't see that other people smell her...it's disgusting. I guess it's normal.

Answer 7

I have 15 year old boy/girl twins. My daughter was a vile beast when she was 12 & 13! She did exactly what your step dtr is doing. She grew out of it around 14 1/2 and she is much better now. She still has moods but not nearly as bad. It's very common at her age. Just do what you can and take comfort that millions have already been through it and she'll come out of it! My son is just now going through his lazy & nasty stage. My parents go me a book called "
Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind by Michael J. Bradley (Paperback - Feb 25, 2003
Maybe you should check it out!

Answer 8

it is aggravating. I don't know why some kids need constant reminding. She will learn one day because someone from school will say she smells or someone that isn't family will walk in and see her pad on the floor. sit her down and tell her that. If she doesn't believe you then let her find out for herself

Answer 9

You might need to sit her down and have a little talk with her. Talk to her about hygiene and taking care of one's self. Tell her that she will feel better about herself when she is clean and is taking care of herself. Just whatever you do, try not to make this little talk embarrassing or awkward for her. Be sure to answer any questions she might have. Just talk to her about having pride in the way she looks and feels hygiene wise.


Hope this helped!!!!!!! Good luck!!

Answer 10

She seems to be a lazy 12 year old.she is old enough to know to do those simple tasks.Considering you are her step mother maybe shes doing it just out of spite.get her dad to talk wiht her.If I were you i wouldnt go behind her cleaning her mess,she needs to learn some responsibility to do things on her own.Maybe it's time to toughen up on her.start grounding her until she does what she is suppose to do.GOOD LUCK!!!