Is it right for someone to neglect their father?

Question

Even if the father has wronged the family by gambling?



I'm asking this because of what happened to my uncle today. Due to his gambling addiction, his wife divorced him and took away his two daughters. They never again reunited.

Today, for the first time in many years, he saw his eldest daughter working at some place. He called out to her, but she ignored him and walked away.

I kinda feel bad for him now, since its like losing a child.
Should my "cousin" forgive him? Or does my uncle deserve this?

Oops, I meant they divorced many years ago due to his addiction.

Answer 1

If he never made a change and never asked for forgiveness, I don't think she is obligated to forgive him. If it bothered him, he could have gotten help for gambling and went to court and got visitation long ago while his daughters were still young. The fact that he didn't is a slap in the face to them in addition to all he did to them while their parents were still together.

Answer 2

Well, unfortunately the forgiving is something they have to deal with themselves. There is no way to say that your cousin 'should' forgive him. Also, you don't say if he's still gambling or if he's got control on that. It's hard for families of addicts because the addict is the one who originally turns their back... makes their addiction more important than the people they say they love (and do love, just not enough to be serious about healing their addiction). Even if the addict is recovering or recovered it doesn't mean the people that their addiction effected have recovered.
I'm not trying to tell you not to feel for your uncle. But try to remember (so that you can stay cool with your cousin) that she was hurt by his addiction and emotional abandonment (even though the mother took them away, he left them long before by pilfering away their security by gambling)... and that just because he saw her and tried to say "hi" it doesn't make him a safe choice for her. She will be wondering why he hasn't looked for her before, wondering if he's still gambling, wondering if she lets him in .. will he hurt her again....
So... you're uncle's only human.. and he made mistakes and now has to pay for them. Not in terms of 'deserving' it, but in making ammends... really feeling and accepting your responsibility in how your life is playing out. Maybe with time and effort on his part, and a real willingness to try to make it right with his daughters, he'll have some success.

Answer 3

As hard as it is to do this, my advice to you is to say "That is too bad." and then stay out of it.
You are in danger of getting caught square in the middle of a family triangle.
You will never know both sides of the story. And there are some powerful negative feelings at work there.
Yes it is sad.
My own opinion is this: if the daughter feels she is in danger of being used by him. She should walk away. if she has good boundaries and feels she can cope with loving the man- hating the addiction. She should say hello. It depends on how strong she feels.She may not hate him at all- she may be afraid of her feelings. it is not for you to judge.

Answer 4

Yes, she should forgive him that is her father. Honor thy father and thy mother. That doesn't mean she has to move in with him or have him be a daily part of her life, especially if he is still gambling. But she should be respectful to him and not rude. I do understand her reaction though, I am sure it took her a little off guard. Of course he "deserves" her reaction, but is your cousin perfect, unless she has NEVER wronged ANYONE in her entire life, she should ease up a little bit.

Answer 5

Addicted personalities always manipulate and use the people who are connected with him. IF he got the message when he was divorced and went to Gamblers Anon (I think it is), and is clean for a number of years, I'd think it would be relatively safe to reestablish contact with him---IF the family members want to!!! He caused great grief to his family, obviously, and "forgiveness" doesn't mean they have to associate with him. The family has probably moved on and doesn't want to risk getting involved with him again.

Answer 6

I dont belive that anybody should neglect a person rather it being a family, friend, or complete stranger. It is sad that it happened the way it did but the best thing to do it pray for your uncle and his family and just talk to him about his problems be a best friend to him. Sometime thats what ppl need is someone who cares and to talk to. I hope everything gets better. God Bless!!

Answer 7

Some people don't understand addictions and she could have had her mother influencing her decision to be angry at him.

If he has tried getting help for his addiction or has overcome it, he does deserve for them to give him another try. Life is too short to be angry at someone for something that will be small in the long run when you lose them.

Answer 8

Well, it isn't right. But she was taught by her mom to do this so she could separate her feelings for him and not feel hurt. You know, pretend it didn't happen and it will go away. Sad thing, but it happens so often. I don't understand why things go on for years without forgiveness. It just ruins people's lives.

Answer 9

You really ask a difficult question. Unless you have been in the same situation as your cousin and experienced the loss of your father from your life, there is no way you can know how she feels. It is obvious that she is not ready to welcome him back with open arms.

Answer 10

God tells us to forgive as he has forgiven us. We all make mistakes. To forgive is to be forgiven. He lost it all and I'm sure he realizes it. You cousin needs to step back and look at life. When he's gone it will be too late to say "If only".