Need more help with 4 year old?

Question

Problem #2.

Every time my 4 year old, who I've just gained custody of, acts out, he throws things, breaks things, throws things again, slams doors, hits, kicks and bites. His mom and her family who he lived with allowed this, and even (as I see it) rewarded him with icecream, candy, chips and soda, Barney, Wiggles and Nintendo because they thought it "shut him up". Now I have him, and everytime he wants one of these, he acts out. And when I say no, he acts out even more. I've stuck to my guns so far, but at this rate, I'm going to have nothing else left to break. He smashed the TV screen the other day.

How do I curb his bad behavior now, when for four years it's been overlooked and rewarded?

Answer 1

Maybe when he "acts out", you can just hold him and love him. Snuggle, cuddle, whatever. Let him know that you love him and explain that you will not tolerate his behavior. Do not tell him HE is bad, but tell him he is doing bad things. I have a feeling that this will take a long time. When you say "now I have him", does that mean you now have custody or is it a visitation thing. If it is a visitation thing, you will have more troubles because he will have different sets of rules at both houses. Maybe a therapist can help out here also.

Answer 2

I feel for you. Unfortunately that is a hard behavior to stop. I would look into getting some professional help, but short of that, keep doing what you are doing. Don't give in. Tell him that behavior is not acceptable, but give him an alternative behavior. The big thing is how you word things and to keep you temper under control which i can image is a big challenge at the moment. Say things like "I understand that you are mad, but breaking the TV is not OK. If you are mad you may stomp you feet and yell. I know you don't really want that kind of behavior either, but he has been doing this for so long he will need a transition and it will be a slow transition. Maybe get a big stuffed animal that he can hit when he is upset instead of breaking things. You want to keep your child safe while keeping other people safe and your house intact.

Praise your son every time you see him being good. Say things like "I like the way you are playing quietly." "You did a good job cleaning your room." Anytime he does ask for something nicely and says please say "I like it when you say please." and try to give him what he is asking if it is reasonable.

There is a program that I have heard of called the total transformation and talks about how to turn your child's attitude around in five minutes or less. It might be worth looking into.

Good luck.

Let me add that spanking will in all likely hood make the problem worse. You are trying to stop the violence and you can't do it with spanking. He needs calm understanding.

Answer 3

B R A T
and thats what he will be if you continue to let it happen..
keep firm - dont give in.. I would even suggest a firm SPANK every now and then to smarten him up - or you will have a heck of a nasty time when he is older..
his mom was a classic "lazy parent" - sadly there are too many of these around.. being a good parent is definately tougher..
every time he breaks something - SPANK.. slaming a door = SPANK.. if he kicks or bites.. SPANK..
get professional help too - you definately need it...

reward good behavior but not with treats - a trip to the park or zoo can be a reward.. but even there - if he is bad - disapline him...

Answer 4

Be patient, he is four and undoing the horrible parenting will take a while.

Do you make him help clean up his mess when he does this? You should.

I might also suggest you set up a chart and buy some stickers, tell him for every day (or few hours) that he can control himself, he will get a good behavior sticker, then set up a series of rewards that he can work towards (2 days worth equals ice cream or Barney, a whole week equals something bigger).

You might want to consider taking him to a child behavior expert and have the situation evaluated.

Good luck, and I wish for you tons of patience and love.

Answer 5

Oh My I feel for you!!! This will be a tough job but I think you can do it! First of all the food it is ok to have an occasional treat but not all day! So stop feeding him the junk and make healthy meals if he doesnt eat for a few days he will get hungry enough to eat. On the behavior my punishment has always been to make them sit in their bed and be silent until they can behave correctly. This too shall get old. Make sure you take all things out of bed including covers and sheets, pillows etc. ! He will get bored with being hungry and doing nothing. It will get better--- he is lucky you are there to take care of him.!!! With the weight issue maybe take some nature hikes with him he will love that and not even think of it as excersize. Or go to the playground! Good luck

Answer 6

You have to remind yourself that this 4 year old has no idea what is going on with this custody battle. You have no idea what the mother and the family allowed. This brutal feud between you and the mother, has a huge impact on him as well. He is acting out at his age because he is not able to clearly express himself in words. You, as well as the mother can be blamed for this. A custody battle has nothing to do with what spouse wins more in the end, its ALL ABOUT THE KIDS INVOLVED. Sometimes, people use the kids to gain power over the other spouse, THATS WRONG. This child never asked to be brought into this situation. Someone needs to be the bigger person and end this feud between the mother of your child. You need to do it, for the kid involved and try to create a schedule and as much normalcy for this child as possible. This child deserves it!!!!!!!!!!! If you really are a concerned dad, let mom involved in his life, and consider sending this child to counseling. Find some counseling for yourself as well. So, you realize this is not a battle of who gets the kid, its what will help this child fully function in a normal capacity regardless of how his mom and dad feel about each other. You may not like the way your childs mom handles him, but you have no right to keep him from her and vice versas. This child needs both parents who have no agenda to hurt each other but whose main concern is THE CHILD.

Answer 7

Now that he broke the TV there is nothing to watch or play his video games on so, This might be the best thing it will get him moving to keep his mind busy playing and doing more active things. It sounds like he might have ADD, but don't give up I'm sure when he did something bad his mom would lose her cool then felt guilty and gave in to his wants whatever you do don't make the same mistake. go get a professal to help.They can show u the proper way to handle this when it occurs.

Answer 8

I applaud you for sticking to your guns; it's not easy. I read somewhere a few years back that it takes one month to undo one years worth of bad habits. So, if your son is 4 and he's been allowed to do this for all 4 years; expect it take about 4 months of CONSISTENTLY enforcing your new rules before you see consistency in his willingness to follow your rules. As far as the breaking of things; that would not fly in my house. For instance, when he smashed the TV he needs to know that because of his bad choice you will now not be able to enjoy TV. DO NOT buy another one for him to enjoy until he stops being so destructive. If you must have TV, buy one for your bedroom and DO NOT let him in there to watch it. He will eventually learn that his actions have a logical consequence. They do need to be logical consequences, though. Keep your nick knacks high, all glass frames on the wall, etc. If he rips a book; oh well...I guess we can't enjoy story time together now since you can't seem to treat your books nicely...I have to put them up until you learn to treat your things with respect. Boom; all the books in a box and bye, bye they go till he can treat them nicely.

Answer 9

I would spank his bare little butt and let him cry. He needs to know what it feels like to be upset and to not get everything he wants. If he cannot handle not being violent you need to get him into a safe area where he can't hurt himself or any of your stuff when he throws his fits. Start taking things away from him and don't give them back unless he learns to not throw a fit in the first place. My two and a half year old doesn't throw very many fits but when she does she does not get what she wanted. The other day she flipped because she did not want to listen to a certain song on the radio; she had listened and loved it before but for some reason she was not having it. I looked her in the eye, said my peace and she cried for a second, said sorry and asked me to turn it off. I didn't because she needs to learn that apologizing after throwing a fit is NOT the same as not throwing one in the first place.

All kids are different and parenting is HARD sometimes. Good luck.

Answer 10

You just need to be consistent. Also, you may need to see a child psychologist. This child has been neglected to the point that he has no idea how to deal with anything. Does your EX pay child support? If so I would petition the courts and make her pay for his therapy. Also, get the book "Super Nanny", written by the star of the show Super Nanny. There is a lot of things that you can try to help get him to behave without resorting to hitting or screaming.

This child has been emotionally abused and neglected. Spanking him will only make things worse, especially when you are angry. You don't want him to grow up fearing you.