I need advice on a family matter.. please read?

Question

I have 4 people in my family including me and it feels as if i do everything wrong, there always angry at me. I clean the house everyday but i still get accused of being lazy??? i say to them all the work i do but they dont listen, especially my mum coz she is always right, no matta what, she wont listen to me.

Ive ended up staying in my room all the time so arguments and fights dont happen but then i get yelled at for being disrespectfull even though im doing it to keep the peace.

I always here them bitching about me (my step-father mum and sister) and it hurts.. i dont no what to do. Ive given up trying to talk to them coz they wont listen. im 17 and can move out soon but its gona be a while before i have the money to... any advice would help, thanks.

by the way, im in year 12 and getting good marks, i dont go partying, i dont smoke, drink, or take drugs, i have a part-time job and as soon as i leave school im getting a full time receptionist job.. but my mum treats me like the daughter from hell???

Answer 1

I am a 54 yr old child abuse survivor who, at 47, tried to end his marriage by ending his life because I could not deal any longer with the emotional scars of the abuse. It destroyed my life, but it also has saved it when I started to cope with it and deal.

Along the way, I realized a few things:
1-Anger is the inability to properly deal with feeling hurt. The people who are showing their anger are hurt-about life? about their situations? about something--and it could be that you are escaping from it, which is healthy, or that they see your vulnerability that enables them to take their pain out on you. See it as their issue, not something wrong with you. See it as their pain, something that years from now you may be easier to understand (I took years to understand it), but let it be THEIRS, not YOURS..see their yelling as THEIR flaws, not yours, especially as you will almost be old enough soon to get out of all of this.
Otherwise, you would be surprised as to how many people marry others just to get away, and end up feeling their own misery because they were avoiding the anger caused by their parents' misery.

2) Just because someone bought tickets for your guilt trip, only you decide if you want to punch the ticket. Look at yourself objectively, and see if truly you are doing what they are saying you are not, and if you are, and feel you are doing your best at it, let it go. Again, if you punch the ticket for the guilt trip, and start feelign guilt that you honestly in your heart feel is unjust, it will carry into your adult life with you.

3) Find GD. Ifd you truly start lookign for the Higher Power of your own choice, you will start to feel less alone. I wish I had discovered the faith I now have when I was going through my abuse. I found this in my 40's--so you have a head start, It helped me cope more, understand more, and be happier with myself even when the world around was falling apart. I am now happy, and have a decent, but growing new marriage,

4-People change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing...when it feels more painful to be where they are than the pain that they fear if they let go of themselves. Your parents won't change necessarily if they enjoy fighting more than they do being in peace.
It is not right, but they won't do much about it, especially if they see changing as being more fearful or more painful.

5) See a school psychologist or counselor, and don't worry what others may think if you do...it is better to deal with it now then to let it fester and grow until you are incapable of dealing with things as an adult.

Just some advice...the best I can advise you though is to truly, look at yourself...and ask not if you are doing ANY WORK, but are you doing the best you could, and is there any truth in what your mother is saying. I have learned that I can gain quite a bit by askign what the message is rather than just looking at the messenger. I now see some of the areas where my dad, despite the whipping and the emotional abuse, actually had some points. I will never say he was right in what he did, but I see some of his points.

Keep reaching out as you are here...and never lose the ability to reach out. If you ever feel it is getting to you so much you can't go on, do not be afraid to call people at 800 phone numbers that can help you cope. Remember, if it evcer does seem that bad, it is emotions, and the pain will not be there forever. Somehow, you will get out, with a job or something, and you can get through it, even if it is excruciating. If as you get older, the memories hurt and are affecting you, seek help. Some of the things we do--drugs, alcoholl, self-harm or suicide attempts--are done to deal with the pain because we did not seek other sources to help us deal with it.
Finally, read Oprah's book about overcoming the child abuse, or other books...know that others have overcome abuse and believe you can, too.

We'll pray for you. Good luck.

Answer 2

Maybe you are not seeing all this in true light
Time for a night out with just mom and you on a patio with some music, being 17 means you need to start asserting yourself as an adult to be treated like an adult, and have a conversation with your mom, do not focous on you, focus on some questions about her you do not know about, and then ease into what bugs her about you, and what bugs you about her, and this can be silly
Remember a funny incident and laugh a little too
Being a child to an adult, you mother may see you in a different light, and you may see her
Then it is your father's turn, make this a place to do something
Bowl, Pitch hit, walk in the park, Guys find this easier and do the same.
Ask for respect and see what happens
Some ground rules for both of you
Remember they still pay the bills, you need to establish a pay scale too for your efforts, and that may be some reconization
Open their eyes to you being an adult, by acting like one

Answer 3

If I was you I would stay in school take the stuff at home and then go to colledge right after wards and live on campus. This way you are out and you will have a real future. NOt that there is anything wrong with being a recepionist but if you could do better do it. Take out loans what ever it takes.

Answer 4

I lived a very simular situation. So I took summer school and graduated a yr. early just to get out of the house. I kept it in for years then my mom made a very nasty comment to me again and I blew up and threw everything up in her face. And she seemed to have forgotten a lot of stuff. I didn't want to do it, but I did and she has not completely stopped but she's gotten better, because she knows I'm not going to stay quiet anymore!!
You really need to do something now or you may see yourself years down the road exploding or having relationship issues.

Do you have a curfue? Can you leave the house when the cursing starts and go to a friends house? You really don't need to be in such a negative enviroment, no one does. Its' actually mental/emotional abuse.
Do save every penny you can. See if your job will allow you to work an extra hour or so. If what you do around the house isn't appreciated, don't do it, so when she starts up, ask her if she can "SEE" the difference since she won't LISTEN (but tell you were not feeling well after you get your response) so you hopefully won't be put on restriction.
Sometimes people do this to others to take the focus off of them. I know my siblings and my mom are not perfect, but for some reason my whole family has ganged up on me too.
I have dis-associated myself from my family because I've told them all, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything, I'm tired of hearing it. Maybe it's time you stood up for yourself now instead of later, if you feel this way already, what do you really have to lose?
Take care of you, I'm sorry you're going through this at such a young age. You are on the right direction with knowing you need to get out when you graduate.
Start looking for roommates now or soon, it is sometimes better for 2 or 3 to share rent then have the whole burden of all the costs.
You would have to work full time all the time just to pay rent, so think about that into your future..Stand up calmly for yourself. How old is your sibling? Does he/she has any chores, if not and he/she is old enough, tell him/her to swap chores the with you. If your sibling is too young, like 6 or 7, just don't do your chores for a few days and really give her something to ***** about. Tell her you had extra homework or you had to work longer than expected. I really don't want you to lie, but if they won't listen to the truth, do what you need to do. They don't beat you do they? If so, when the hand is raised tell them if they touch you, you'll file charges on child abuse. Be brave and stand up for yourself and get out of there till 9 or so at a friends house. You are even old enough for sleep overs, I wouldn't sit there and listen to it, if you hear it long enough you may start to believe it and you sound like a wonderful teenager.

Answer 5

i'm sorry you're having these problems hon. it sounds as if your family has problems and they are taking them out on you.

maybe you can write a list of things you do some day soon..

such as

"today i... cleaned my room, vacuumed, felt sad and lonely, let the dog out, cleaned the kitchen, helped my sister, talked to a friend. and today i loved my family."

leave it on the kitchen table - or out in the open somewhere your mom might find it. remember to put FEELINGs you have in there.

see if your mom or step dad finds it and reads it. maybe you will get a reaction, or even an apology.

i'm suggesting this because you said talking just doesn't work. maybe if they can read something you are feeling, they will wake up and smell the coffee.

i hope you get good answers here. this was the best i could think of right now.

Answer 6

I experienced something similar before when i was a teenager. I had problems with my dad. He lowered my self esteem. I always tried to prove him that I was a good daughter. But do not make that mistake you don't have to prove anything to anyone. Your ticket out is staying in school, go to college and do it all for your self prove to yourself how great you are. That's what I'm doing. Apply for schoolarships or grants. If you try you will make it. I do not know if there is any other type of abuse in your house but there are places that will give you therapy for free like The Womens Center. Prayer a friend and writing also help. DO NOT let them ruin your life. I know it's painful but you cannot change the way they are. If there is other type of abuse please get help.

Answer 7

why dont you try getting more hours at work, that way you will be out of the house most of the time and when you come in from work you can eat, shower and go to bed. your family should not be treating you like that but its probably because they ENVY you because you are doing everything RIGHT and i commend you on doing the DONTs good for you. keep up the good work. when you get out school dont stop there continue your education go to college. strive to be better than those in your household. dont get caught up with a boy and become a statistic(baby). keep on movin and dont look back. stay focus and keep striving to be the best that you can be. you will be legal in a few months or so. STAY FOCUS. your step sister is probably envy because you are going forth, and your mom and dad and envy because they cant break your stride and your determination. keep me posted sweetie. stay beautiful inside and out. : ) GodBless.

Answer 8

I see two options right away. Not sure if either will work, but they certainly can't make things worse. Either sit them down and talk to them, or write them a letter. My favorite is the letter method. You can change things you write, but not what you say.
Many don't know that they need to use only "I" statements. I feel, I think, I try, I hurt. Those statements cannot be argued with. No one can tell you how you feel, but they can ague if you tell them what they do to hurt you etc.
The next thing I have to say is you cannot change anyone but yourself. I'm sure you already know this, but seeing it in black and white sometimes helps to bring it home. You are powerless regarding what others do. Sometimes picturing them in hospital pjs and reminding yourself they are sick ppl helps. Sometimes not trying so hard helps. Don't let what they think about you bother you so much if it is not true.
Something that might help if you can do it, is to get index cards, and using colored markers write on different cards different positive things about yourself. Stop and read them, repeat them to yourself. When you no longer notice them, repeat the process. It can help reverse the damage they are causing you. Believe in yourself and your qualities. Believe you deserve better than what you are getting. It helped me. I wish you nothing but the best, you deserve it.

Blessed Be
btw, if you want to talk, e-mail me

Answer 9

Just lay low, abide your time, and when you are 18. Consider moving out into an apartment. Save your money. Create a nest egg in case of emergencies. Open a bank account if you hadn't already. Save, save, save!
-Good luck!

Answer 10

Study really hard. Stay in school. Enroll in college, even if you need loans.

Stick to good life goals, your own life goals. And do them. Don't get caught up in drama and don't let it prevent you from going forward.

But most of all, SAVE YOUR MONEY. Put it someplace where they can't get at it and don't blow it on stupid things.

Make a good, long term plan and stick with it. Get your schooling, no matter what.