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My daughter is 26 and married with 3 toddlers. And since the time that the first child was born, anytime she does something in life that doesn't work out, she lashes out at me, pointing out that it's somehow my fault, and that every bad choise she has made in her life, seems to be all my fault.
She used to be such a sweet little girl and I feel that I was a good parent. But I must have took a wrong turn somewhere because she now has grown into a monster. Always berating and useing me to the max. Any words of wisdom?

2007-08-17 16:40:27 · 25 answers · asked by doggybag300 6 in Family & Relationships Family

25 answers

Your daughter sounds like she is unable to take responsibility for her own actions. You are the adult here (even though she is 26 - that can still be quite young emotionally). When she lashes out just tell her, "wow honey, you seem really upset, is there anything I can do?" If she continues lashing out at you just say, in a firm but loving tone, "dear, we'll have to talk later when you're more in control of yourself. I love you and if there's anything I can do to help, please let me know."

Every parent has hopes and dreams for how their child will turn out, but children are their own persons. The best we can do is to guide them and teach them, and prepare them to be on their own. They make good choices and they make bad choices, that's how they learn. They fall down, they pick themselves up. It's not a reflection on you.

The best thing you can do is let your daughter know that you love her and that you are there for her, but don't allow her to use you as her "whipping post". That allows her to place responsibility for her state of affairs on you, and not on her own actions and choices, which is where it should be.

I hope this helps.

2007-08-17 16:49:26 · answer #1 · answered by kyeri y 4 · 0 0

Remain calm and in control when she does this. Do not react, simply reassure her that you love her and apologize for anything she feels you might have done that hurt her. (Whether it is true or not, it's true to her right now.) Sometimes our kids just want us to acknowledge that we made mistakes and to hear us say we are sorry. I have grown children who went though similar "stages". Mostly because they listened too much to people like Oprah and similar psychology-based advice, who taught them that they have no responsibility for their own decisions. It sounds like your daughter is extremely stressed and has more than she bargained for with marriage and three kids and is lashing out to the one she loves most, because she knows you won't love her any less. That proves you are a good parent, that she doesn't fear she'll lose your love while she disrespects you. I think it is more about her own stress and possible disappointment about what she thought marriage and children would be all about (most think you get married, have children and live happily ever after like in the movies . . . ha ha). So my advice is, be patient with her, re-affirm your love, offer support and help if you can and don't react with self-justification for whatever actions she accuses you of. Give her a big hug and say, "I know I didn't do everything perfectly and I am sorry. What can I do to make it better for you now," type of thing. It's hard and it hurts, but we, the parents have to suck it up a lot, and that will cause her to respect you in time. It worked for me, and I have great, close relationships with my grown children now. Hope this helps.

2007-08-17 16:55:14 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

She lashes out at you because you are the closest to her. You know, "you always hurt the one you love". She's obviously very stressed. 26 and 3 toddlers!!! Is she crazy? Have some patience and show her the respect she deserves for what she has accomplished in life. Try to get her to look at the good parts of her life when she's down. And just be there for her when she needs you.

2007-08-17 16:46:23 · answer #3 · answered by momofoneson 3 · 2 0

I guess by the picture i see...you are the dad
The choices she has made were made by her. Unless you actually told her to do this and that...and took her by the hand and forced her to do it.....???
She is mad at the world. Probably because you did not tell her to do this and that when she was growing up. Children do need to be directed and have rules in their lives. Having
3 children already, seems that her fun life was shortened and no one did it but her. Unless you had the babies for her and gave them to her.???
Is she married??? If not, then she is overwhelmed with these 3 children and she should get some type of help to deal with her life. The children will suffer with her outlook about life.
If she is lashing out at you, i don't believe she is not lashing out at the children of how her life is going. Try to get to the social services in your area and find out what type of help she can receive for her mental attitude. Before your grandchildren get hurt.........she needs help.

2007-08-17 17:05:50 · answer #4 · answered by ttwobearsplusone 3 · 0 0

First you should really stop and think about what she says you have done that hurt or somehow affected her. If you truly feel that there was no wrong doing on your part, tell her you believe she is using that as an excuse. You should tell her she needs to take responsibility for her own life and choices. Regardless of what we may want to believe, it basically boils down to one thing either you stay in the past and continue to put it in front of you as an obstacle or you leave it behind or remind yourself that it is behind you and you move forward. I would recommend that she read Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life". As for you I would recommend you read it as well and you stop allowing her to do this to you, you need to let her know that it is no longer acceptable and that if she wants you in her life now that she is an adult, she will have to respect you and not treat you that way.

2007-08-17 16:50:22 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

My sister treats my mom like that but I promise you it is not your fault. That is just her thinking about herself and no one else's problems. Not to be rude but she is unhappy with her life and the only thing she can do about it is blame someone else. I don't understand it I mean you choose to do the things you do so how is it your parents fault because you aren't living the high life. When she gets like that just walk away and go to your house. Let her cool down because I promise you she will be calling you and asking for something before you call and ask her for something. Just know it is not your fault she is bitter about something that happened as a child and since she has children of her own she has to and needs to get over it. Its in the past and it cannot be changed.

2007-08-17 16:49:41 · answer #6 · answered by badazz_51 4 · 0 0

Maybe you should see it as she is close enough to you to lash out and know youll always be her daddy. Shes prob really stressed out with the 3 toddlers. If she know youre upset about it im sure shell feel bad about the whole thing when the kids grow up. Have to sit back, wait and take nothing too personally.

2007-08-17 16:47:03 · answer #7 · answered by HuLiEn 2 · 0 0

Lady you did not raise that woman the proper way. She probably never had too much responsibility while growing up. As they say what you plant on the ground and how you nurture it the proper way will yield good harvest and you did a terrible thing in raising the mean woman. You say using you, thats the answer, she manipulated you all the years she was at home and you never recognized it. The best for you now is have less communication with her.

2007-08-17 16:54:35 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

i want to say that its in some people's nature to lash out on people that have not done them any harm while being the best of friends with the people that have harm them. these type of people learn their lesson very hard and takes a long time for them to learn it. all you can you do is allow them to learn that lesson. hopefully she will not do anything that is harmful to her self and is not reversible. she is your daughter and she will always need your help don't hold her nature against her. i would help her emotionally and would tell her that is all you can help her with, but i would ignore how she treats you. That is what makes these types of people happy when they know that you got angry or sad by this behavior. she will try to start fights even though you are trying to be the nice you can. the best thing is to always let her know she is part of the family but not the center of attention but the grandchildren are. children know how to manipulate and will do it as long as they can.

2007-08-17 17:00:22 · answer #9 · answered by tasha m 2 · 0 0

It is easier to blame others than to admit ones own mistakes.Admit to your shortcomings and don't let her use her past as a excuse for today behavior. It was her choose to have 3 toddlers. She is old even to know what is right and wrong. Loving help her with future goals and help her look towards the future instead of the past.

2007-08-17 16:54:16 · answer #10 · answered by noteworthy5 3 · 0 0

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