how do I get over the fact that I was never good enough for my father?

Question

my father always wanted me to stay in the military and when I got shot and was sent home from Vietnam he said "what's the matter? you could only take one bullet before crying home to mama?" when I showed him my purple heart he threw it away(I got it out the garbage) and called me a quitter. I just want to be good enough for my father... I was never good enough for him(he was a colonel in the army. retired afrer 31 years of service.) He always said that I should have died in the military like my brother. Even when I was growing up I wasn't good enough. Whenever I made a joke he would give me a beating. He even had this little joke that he made to himself, he'd say "so stupid..." he'd always mutter it to himself when I did something wrong, I never really understood the joke but he must've really found it funny beacause he said it all the time. Anyways I just want to have been good enough for my dad. My dad is now on his deathbed and I want to get over that I was never good enough for hi

Answer 1

I am sorry to hear that he is dying..... but I do not want you to feel like you were never good enough, it was his own inadequacies that he used to make you feel as he did... He wasn't all he wanted to be so he needed to make you feel as inadequate as he was........... and thats sad.. because he should have been proud of you .......... and I feel he never got over losing his other son, so in a way he blamed you for not dying instead of the other one........ you will be fine........ Hold your head up ....... be come the man he couldnt be

Answer 2

I'm sorry he has made you feel like that all your life. And now even on his death bed he can't say he's proud of you. Don't think he ever will.

I came from the same upbringing and still to this day, I'm worthless to him. But there comes a time when you have say enough is enough no matter what you do it will never please your father in his eyes.

Some people are cruel and have no heart. You just have to realize that what your father is thinking about you is wrong.

You know yourself your a good person and your doing what you can in your life.

I know it doesn't take the pain away that your father thinks of you as nothing. But thats his problem you have to go on with your life and just do the best with what god has given you.

I wish you the best in life. And i know some day someone will appreciate you as you are I hope you will find that person.

But remember your already special the way you are. you dont' need a negative person to keep putting you down.

good luck and god bless.

Answer 3

Best you are gonna get in this scenario is to forgive him for being that way. I have this problem to a much lesser degree with a family member.

There simply will never come a day when something you do is good enough. You are being made to pay for the pain he has suffered in life (the loss of your bro). Chances are his military training has a lot to do with this form of expression, always trying to push you harder. Don't think he's trying to beat you down cause that's not where it seems to be coming from.

I have accepted this facet of the individual I deal with. Frankly I just no longer care about their opinion as far as impressing them is concerned. Truth is they don't cut anybody else any slack either so who has the issue here.

Forgive him even if to only yourself. It must be all that much more difficult with it being your father and understandably wanting his respect. Keep in mind he comes from a different generation when expressing feelings was a trait men were not generally permitted. He may never admit it to you and you need to accept that. If he didn't respect you he would have done much worse. When he does go let him take the pain with him.

Answer 4

Thank you for serving our country. Your Purple Heart shows your bravery and your loyalty. Even without it, you are a good man. Your Father has probably dealt with uncertainty about himself his whole life, maybe because that is the way his Father treated him, so he treated you the same. He may have showed anger at you because of feeling helpless when your brother died.
The truth is that your Father may never give you his praise and blessing like you are looking for. But now is the time to show him once again what a good man you are. Be with him. He is dying and whatever his short comings, he is your Dad. And you never know, he might make a death bed confession and let you know how much he has always loved and admired you. But if not, please know that you were and still are a good son, but sadly your Father was just incapable of showing it. Then let him rest in peace and find your own peace.

Answer 5

I've seen and known people like you. The fact is, i didnt exactly come from the best family either. But you know what, what the heck, live for yourself, not for others. He brings you down, not vice versa. Dont let anyone do that to you, ever. If you're good enough and tried your best, be proud of your achievement. Learn to be happy. Good luck! Side note, that doesnt mean he doesnt love you. He probably just cant express it well. Either way, stay by his side. He's your father all. Be a filial son. Be someone both of you can be proud of

Answer 6

You're not the one with a problem, he is. He knows he wasn't a good enough dad, he probably value himself as parents with how high do you can get in life (military life). It's st....., he is the one that is a looser, because he wasn't agood father, just make sure to understand that his standards in life are not the same than yours, don't weight yourself on value yourself like he does, you're a valuable person because of who you're and what you want, it doesn't matter if is not the same he wishes for you.
Just be happy, put your own standarts to be a winner in life.

Answer 7

You're better than your father and I would be so proud to know you in person. You fought for your country and the most important battle you fought was to come home alive. Proudly display that purple heart and know that there are people in this world that applaud you. You need to remind yourself your father may have won the battle but you won the war! Never ever forget that.

Answer 8

hi...

i'm sorry to hear... same thing with my father... i was never good enough, couldn't do anything right, never got praise or respect (he expected me to respect him, but it's rather difficult to respect someone who never respected me!).

my father was an emotional abuser, and i think you have the same "type".... plus he's military, which makes him a little hard-nosed, i think (many of them are).

our self-esteem takes quite a beating when we are emotionally tortured by a parent. it's hell, that's for sure. for me, i have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder as the result.. it's taken years of hard work to realize my father has ISSUES and was taking it all out on me (i have two sisters and he never treated them badly, that i can remember).

after several years of therapy, i've come to realize i'm a better person than i was molded to be. i couldn't help it if i lived with someone who was nasty and abusive.. it was HIS problems, not mine which caused him to mistreat me. HE is sick in some ways, and i can't change him.

i haven't spoken with my father in about 16 years (maybe more). i don't intend to... emotionally, i couldn't take it anymore. i had to do what was best for me.

i have forgiven my father over the years, in my heart. still, i can't expose myself to him. i have come to terms with most of it, but sometimes the past rears its ugly head. i am better able to cope these days, however.

my father is also ill with cancer.

perhaps you could talk with someone about this... maybe a professional could help you to see it's NOT YOUR FAULT.

meanwhile, if you love him and care, and still see him... let him know how you feel. you can even tell him you are angry with him, if you want. given this, you might feel better that you got it out and care, despite his awful treatment.

whatever you do,i wish you the best. you CAN get through this..

Answer 9

You served. You were wounded. You lived.

I think the fact that you need to get over is the fact that your father was never good enough for you. Forgive him as he slips away from this life. And the best way you can honor him is to not treat people the way he treated you.

Answer 10

Please...at some point you have to stop living for your father and live for yourself. Understand that sometimes our family sets expectatons so high that you can't live up to them. You should be proud of what you have accomplished, and even if it was not enough for him, the US army thought enough of it to give you a purple heart (regardless of how I feel about the war). Which goes to show that you are far from stupid. Take that purple heart and pin it on his chest, and if he passes, you gave him something that YOU should be proud of. LIVE your life from this point on for you....learn to be satisfied with who you are and love yourself...perfectly human....