in-laws visiting us abroad soon , for LONG stay?

Question

in India i wait on them hand n foot as is the culture there , but here with no domestic help and a small kid to look after , im dreading there arrival . Please suggest tactful ways i can let them know they have to chip in too .Also they like their meals very late and we all have to rise early at 5am for school/office. They also would expect me to wear traditional salwar suits here and i dont want to be an oddity . I need suggestions to handle these seemingly small problems which can be perceived as big offenses by them ( my hubby wont step in this domestic issue , so pls dont suggest enlisting his help ) I have to bell the cat myself.

many pple are knocking down my situation without understanding completely : eg if my fil has jug of watch n glass in front of him he will call me from kitchen (where i might be dishwashing etc ) and ask me to pour water for him ! my mil will say i never have to work in my daugher's huse thou she is mainly cooking / managing their. i just want to resolve this diplomatically which automatically means i care for their feelings otherwise i could have been blunt with them right ? please be OBJECTIVE when you answer anyones questions for instead of assuming things and knocking down the person who is inviting ur advice . take note mr maddy.

Answer 1

Most Indian women living abroad face this. And only we know how stressful it can be. It depends on you, your guts, your individual situation how to handle it. But,here are some generic ideas:
1. most Indian hubbies do prefer to stay out of it. Silly, but let's accept it. OK. But, have a talk with hubby so he realizes then he should ALSO stay out of how you handle it, and any resulting 'wars'.
2. Drill into hubby's head that you both are a "unit". He may not support you, but should not oppose you either. Give him some suitable noncommital statements to use if needed - "she knows best, yes, it is like that here", "yes, it is so different in India" "yes, for all the money, life here is filled with drudgery". Nothing helps more than in-laws seeing your husband is with you.
3. Clothes: skip the too short shorts, and skimpy tops. but above knee shorts, formal wear, jeans, capris, regular tops, wear them from day one. just don't even entertain any ? about their suitability. go to the airport in western wear. weekends or to desi parties wear a salwar if you want to. Just do not enter into any discussion about your clothes. Silence adn a half smile can help, ofcourse with your husband's tacit support.
4. Meals: it is your house, set the times for meals. sounds very un-indian and undoable? there is no other option. have dinner finished on time, go to bed. if they stay up late, fine.
again, remember it is your house. be firm, use a half-smile, and fewest explanations as possible.
5. Extend the above tactics to any other situations: kid rearing comments, kid feeding, kid growth comments. Be firm, be a little non-Indian in dealing. never, ever be rude. Repeat firmly but politely till they get it or give up.

6. Schedule in in-law free time(just you and kid perhaps). have some girl-friends you can dump on.

7. You do not have to be present in the living/dining room at all times. Set a practice so that if you disappear for 15-20 min, it is not a question.

8. Going out in the weekends: do not hurry thru the cooking, getting ready to be on time. do it slowly till they pitch in. eating out: get them used to the idea. Or just cook for them, and get food for yourselves from outside, so they realize how inconvenient always cooking is.

9. do not go overboard in making their stay comfortable, and getting their approval. No one is going to pat you on your back if you do so. All efforts you put in will be labelled as "it is how it should be, so what". Any brownie points you get from your husband, will soon go away a week after their departure.
Just do what you can, what you should for regular guests, and continue to live your life, don't put it on hold for the visit's duration. Be a gracious host, not a doormat. it is your house, and they are guests.

10. They pitch in - tough to say it tactfully. just don't do it, or ask your hubby to pitch in more than he does. they might get the hint. whatever you'd like them to pitch in with, learn to live with that undone for a while.

11. What you are hoping to find is a tactful way of avoiding the small unpleasantnesses. I've been there, there is no way other than politely but firmly standing up for yourself. do it just one time, and it'll set the precedent for future visits to India, from India. So, a little bit of tension/friction is going to be part of the initial stay.

Hubby won't interfere, I can relate. But, in my case I accept it but make very sure he is AWARE of how that is the coward's way out, and in actuality it is HE who should be standing up to his parents. In-laws and husbands just expect the scenarios from backhome to be repeated here without maidservants & other helpful infrastructure available in India.
More so, with visiting in-laws totally dependent on you for social interaction.

Answer 2

First of all whose idea was it to invite them here??? Now, I am not familiar with your in-laws personality but from what you have describe they are old fashion. I would say, you make sure that they come here on Wed/ Thursday when they get here and you if possible take a good time in cooking good welcoming meal for them and do all the traditional wearing etc etc. Give them a quite environment when they are suffering from Jet-lag, SO here comes the weekend, them shopping on the weekend, get you mom-in-law running suit, don't be pushy but just play normal. Make them feel Welcome, If they want to help you in the kitchen never hesitate to say No, but say "Thank You". Make them get a feeling that you and your family have a busy life here and things are very different from back home. While, they are here on a long visit take a small weekend trips, have enough photos and video from them to take back to share with their rest of the family and friends.
remember: They are old, this lifestyle is new to them. Don't be pushy and give them little room. email me at [e-mail]

Answer 3

Based on personal experiences and also those of people around me, I can say that If your in-laws see that you have to manage the things on your own, and other problems you have mentioned then normally they will try to help you.
In fact, parents visit their childrens houses to see how they can help you and not impose their own style on you.

If you don't think so, then they you need to softly hightlight all the problems to them before they come over to you. So they are mentally prepared for this. I am sure they will understand the fact that since you have to get up early in the morning, they should finish off their dinners early evening. If they do not do so, then you can start off your dinner early by execusing them and also telling why you want to do that.
There is no harm in politely seeking their help in your works if they don't help you in own their on. Many parents do not take step forward of helping thinking their daugher-in-law may not like it.
As far dress is concerned, this is very subjective. If you can manage salwar kammez till they are with you, nothing like that. However if you are wearing very westernised dresses like mini skirts and that kind of skimpy dresses, then they might object. You need to strike a balance like wearing loose fitting pants which looks more like salwar kameez etc.

Three things very important :
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1.You should take their visit in a positive sense and not in a complaining way. Focuss on the all the positive points of their visit. May be they will entertain your kids well etc.
I would go one step ahead and say that you should make plans to visit a few places around and make their visit as comfortable as possible.
2. Since they are old and senior, you should never hurt them in any way and respect them. Their short visit should not cause any permanaent rift in your relations with them as well as your husbands relationships with you.
3. You must be flexible and try to compromise on things which you cannot change.

All the best to you with their visit.

Answer 4

i dont understand why you should be changing your routine, lifestyle and even dress for them???? doesnt matter if its in india or abroad. why do you want to wear something as per their expections??? its yourhouse and u will do what u want. they are the guests so they should be adjusting not u. its a bit exxaggerated when u say you will have to wear salwar suits according to their expections.. what is this?? dont u have a life of your own? its absolutely not a big issue. u just keep up with your own routine they will understand and adjust. and if not its their problem. u just make them feel comfortable thats all. why do u think your house is a five star hotel where u have to dress according to the norms?

Answer 5

Hello Oye2007, Have you ever thought what would it have been if your parents were coming for this stay, and your husband would have said these things on a public blog, how would you have felt had you got to see that blog, or how would your husband feel if he sees this blog. It's not a big difference between
Father in Law Father
Mother in Law Mother
You just have to treat them like they are your parents and not your in-laws, and if you still don't agree to this let me tell you this, you a have a young kid at hand, and i don't know if they have ever seen him or not, may be that's where they are interested and as far as serving them is concerned my answer would be wouldn't you serve your parents if they come to your place, Regarding other matters related to domestic help and your timings and dressing, what you can do is take off from your job for a day or two and stay with them show them how that part of world is, take them to public places, they will then surely understand your problems when they see the mad rush in office timings and girls roaming in bikini's on the beach or you can talk to them directly and they will not create any havoc out of it if you talk to them about it yourselves and if you ask your husband to do that they might think that your attitude or you can say your ego is not allowing you to talk to them. so be cautious on this. And at the end i would say they are not going to stay there forever, what if they stay for say a month or two, can't you adjust for this small period of your life for the parents of your love. Because of them you have your husband as he is. Take care and let me know if my advice helped.
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I am sorry for if i you feel offended by my answer, but i didn't knew the exact situtation but with your updates now it seems like a problem to me too. However you are correct you need to handle it diplomatically, i agree to that and you need to be innovative to handle that. like for the example u gave about you in the kitchen and your fil calling to pour a glass of water when he has a jug and a glass in front of him, come out of the kitchen and go close to the table and then ask politely what can i do for you(make sure he gets to see your soiled hands, if they are not soiled, soil them before going out to answer him), and after he asks for a glass of water, go back to kitchen and come back again with your hands clean and give him the glass of water he wanted. You understand the point, they should get to know you have other domestic cores too then just to sway around them fulfilling every ask of them. Please don't consider "confrontation" one single percent to be the solution of your situation and for you mil you can just say "isn't it your home ma"(are you getting it, tackle it emotionally). rest is up to god. best of luck.

Answer 6

if its going to be for long stay as in tourist visa i.e 6 months or is it green card deal if its USA. Just take your husband in confidence meaning let him know that your rules of house will work here. then when your in laws come you don't need to be rude and aggressive or be submissive. Be assertive.

Have you a plan which you feel will be comfortable to work with. like who will do the cooking you all the time or your ma in law sometimes. Then you need to take them on a tour about the various things they need to know in a foreign country. I guess they are coming for the first time.you have to give them time to adjust. Then let them how your day goes and what are the norms. just let them know they can have hot and fresh food if they chip in. you can tell them if you have to do cooking its practically not possible to cook in the early morning and the food also will get cold. If they insist then cook previous day and leave it in the fridge and they have to microwave. If they help in cooking you can take care of dishes.

when you go for work you will wear western outfits and I guess they will understand why. Other times also you can wear western outfits but as much as possible you can wear salwar.As much as possible try not to antagonize them. little adjustments is necessary.

bottom line give them some time to adjust while you carry on your routines. then let them know what you want them to do instead of keeping within yourself and suffering. there may little irritants but can't avoid them.

Life in foreign country is very lonely for elders. so let them know the different ways they can keep themselves busy. take them out sometimes. make them feel a part of the family. get them some Indian channels.

Answer 7

Hi . your problem is wetaken. Now imagine if am your brother n I am visiting u with my n yr parents. How would u take it.?

I said yr problem is well taken n as I said that imagining me yr brother. Its a brotherly advice not to discuss this thing with your Husband n dont involve him.Otherwuise your life will become hell.

I dont see any problem or u if they visit u, rather u should welcome the m . They can always look after your house n yr child. Try to understand their sentiments also.

Alternatively u can talk straight to your mother in law to delay for sometime n find the solution with cool..

Pl do inform me if u consider me as your brother as to how u are going to handle. Never never show to yr Husband.That will lead to rift. Pl think with cool mind.

Answer 8

Its simple dear if u can make it...u can politely say to them abt the daily routines of ur family n tell them that u need them to help u with this...Also regarding the outfit u can say that its not possible to wear traditional outfits here...if its India u would be doing acc to them but as its not so let it be acc to u...I think they will understand.

Answer 9

Based on my few experiences relatives in India expects from us, they can as old as to fit as our father’s age or uncle, aunt etc. even then they expect some gift from us while they will not even talk to us if we fail to give them some thing. Long story short based on my many experiences I will say their personality and mentality is unfair, their behavior is based on whose turn is it? Like when it’s time to do little favor I don’t have time and if I do you pay my expenses while the same person visiting USA they will expect free gift like taking them to Disneyland, las vegas and buy them name brand merchandise etc….. just tell them politely that u might not be able to meet their pampering expectation

Answer 10

ya that very hard for you, i mean you have to respect them & you don't want to hurt their feeling, neither you want start a fight with your husband
first of all read down a schedule, example what time you wake-up, when to drop of the kids, work, & whatever you do, & put it some place where they can see it, so without you telling them, they know how busy you are
& tell them that your very busy & you love them alot & you think of them as your own parents so feel free to do whatever its your own home
i just hope they get your point & chip in to help you

Answer 11

it looks like u have no choice unless your husband sides with u and explain your problems to his parents. when we go to our sons house abroad, we do help out in the kitchen and alsoi try to look after most of our needs so as not to disturb our sons and daughter in laws routine. have a healthy discussion with ur husband about this problem. u two are the only ones who can help themselves. none else.