What do I do with my neighbors child!?

Question

I moved to this great neighborhood a year ago. I love my new house and SOME of my neighbors. However, the neighbors right next to us, have adopted 4 foster children. At first it was great, the 2 youngest were right around my sons age. The one kid will actually be in the same class as my son this year. Anyways, the little boy that plays with my son all the time gets really mean spurts. I caught the kid punching my kid in the head one time. (He barely got into trouble). The people that adopted him are in their 60's and only did it because they didn't want to see the kids get split up. They never watch these children, and yesterday the boys were playing with a brand new toy of my sons (not even 24 hours did we have it) and the kid got mad at my son and broke his toy on purpose! The parents didn't even care. They made him say sorry to my son and that was it. I am fed up with them, but what can I do? The boys are best friends and live within 15ft of my house!

The boys are 5. I have had quite a few talks with the mother of the little boy. Her response is, "I just don't know what to do with him." We have always sent the little boy home when he doesn't mind our rules. Hubby however, is getting pretty mad at the boy, and I have had to resort to begging because he has tried to go spank the little kid once or twice.

I have learned of their situation, and unfortunately they had horrible lives..They were taken away at a very young age though, and have been at the same foster home for a couple of years now. The entire neighborhood cares greatly for these children.

Answer 1

well these kids come with issues and you really don't know what has happened to him. But this does not excuse him for abusing your child. my best advice and what I would do is supervise their play time and if it continues, stop them from playing and tell the parents why, and if school is an issue then tell your son to tell the teacher. then have a talk with the teacher that there are problems.

Answer 2

You didn't mention how old those kids are?
If those kids are punching your kids and breaking things on purpose... then they should know better and I wouldn't consider them as best friends.

But then again we don't realy know what kind of past or what they have been experienced and seen or been through. If they seem violant... it maid be helpful for those kids to get the help of some psychological counceling.

Sometimes kids fight or argue over something but 10 min later or the next day they are best friends again.
I would request a good talk with your neighbors and explain them how you feel. Try to have somebody with you when you do that, so you have proof what was said.

I hope for you & your kids that your neighbors will come to their senses. If nothing changes and you still feel that they don't watch their kids... tell them you will report them to family & children services... that may wake them up!
However if you feel like it is damaging to your children then make sure they won't play with them or around them.
Hope this was somewhat helpful to you...
My best of luck to you :)

Answer 3

Set rules. If they cannot share and act appropriatly then send them home. Encourage your son to make new friends. If the problems still continue have a serious talk with the adoptive parents. Even if they don't know what to do, then need to find something. Suggest some therapy for the children to help them deal with anger issues. If you catch the child actually physically hurting your son do not hesitate to go out there and take that child off your son. If the problems worsen, a restraining order may be necessary and for your child's sake banning the child may not be a bad idea for a time.

Answer 4

I don't know how old your sons are, but it is time to have a sit down with them. If you were to simply say they can't play with these kids anymore they will resent you, but if they are old enough (say 7 or 8) then they are old enough to reason with. Remind them of the kind of things that these other children do to them and ask them if they think these kids make good friends. Ask them how they feel when they are around these kids. If you talk to them and explain things just right, you can convince them that playing with these kids is more trouble than it is worth. If they still want to play with these kids though after they themselves have thought things through, set down some firm ground rules: they are only allowed to play with them when you can supervise, and as soon as there are any arguements they go home. Also, if one of these kids hits your kids or breaks any of their things ever again, then that will be the last time they are invited to come play. Let your neighbors know these are the rules as well.

Answer 5

Sit your boy and the other boy down and have a little talk to them.

Ask them about what they should do when they feel angry or upset. Ask them whether it is okay to break someone's things when you are angry. I'm betting they'll both say no.

If not, explain to them that it's not okay, it's mean and if you do things like that you end up with no friends.

Then ask them what do they think would be a better thing to do when they are angry. Could they get their anger out a different way? Could they talk about it, or if they're really angry, could they go and punch a pillow and have some quiet time to themselves?

Then ask them what they think should happen to someone if they deliberately break someone's toys, or hurt someone when they are angry. They will likely say that the person should get in trouble, but make them suggest exactly HOW they should get in trouble. You can suggest possible punishments; like for instance, should they have to go home, should they have to apologise (yes, but what else), should they have to replace the toy etc.

A lot of times kids lash out because they don't know how else to react. They haven't had the appropriate behaviour modelled for them. Taking them step by step through this process of questions and suggestions helps them to become more responsible for their actions, more in touch with their feelings and the appropriate way to deal with them, and better able to respond to challenges. By choosing the punishment, it makes them more likely to respond to it. Children don't naturally like conflict, and if they have the tools to avoid it, they will use them.

Good luck.

Answer 6

supervise them at all times when he comes over to visit and have the play times for only half an hour a day...take a rubbermaid tub and put all of your sons old toys in it...pull them out when he comes over...to your son they will be new toys because they are put away for this reason....grab some coffee, soda, or tea and a magazine and sit outside with them while they play after a half hour is up then calmly tell him that play time is up and he will have to go home now....if he plays wonderfully in this time, praise him and give him a hug...thank him for playing so nice today...he probably gets alot of bad attention and when this happens children act out because they figure bad attention is better than no attention at all...half an hour might not be much but give it a week...and soon you will find you can go in the house for 15 min and do something else and they will be fine....because the parents are pretty neglictful it is up to you for the saftey of your child to steer the neighbor on the right path....do it now before school starts and you can't monitor your son....hope this helps...and again..catch the neighbor doing something right and praise him for it... :)

Answer 7

I have also been in a situation like yours, and its a tuff desision. It even harder whe nyour own child is friends with the other. However, you need to take into consideration that your child has been hit. Whose to say that things wont get worse?

I learned the hard way in my situation. I just kept telling the parents everytime something like this happened, and they would say that they would talk to the child. But nothing changed. Eventually, things got worse, and their son eventually went to far by hitting my son in the head and giving him a concussion.

First, talk to the child. Explain to him that your son doesnt like it when he hits, and ask him how he would feel if he got hit? Sometimes, talking to the child is better than talking to an ignorant parent.LOL.

Try talking to the foster parents again. If things dont change, politely call Social Servies and explain to them the situation. Since they are foster parents, social services will check out the situation. This should get the foster parents attention and hopefully change things.

This shouldnt be your responsiblity. But it seems that you are being a good parent by being concerned.Dont give up, and dont let them walk all over you

Answer 8

That's your house and your rules. I'd put my foot down and tell this little boy that if he wants to be able to play at your house that he will respect the rules of your home which include sharing and not breaking things. I'd be talking to that lady also and explain to her the rules and if her foster child wants to continue to play there they have to be enforced. She should be responsible for the damages he causes., esp if they were done on purpose.

Do you really this child who gets anger bursts and breaks things is the right influence for your son? If he's that bad now, imagine when he gets older.

Answer 9

I have adopted 6 foster children. I believe that the parents should definitely be more involved in the children's lives - these children have issues and can't always be expected to act like other children.

They should be highly supervised until they learn how to socialize properly with other children.

If you aren't willing or able to highly supervise these children to help them learn social skills while they are playing with your children, (the adoptive parents obviously aren't willing or able to do it), then you may need to re-think whether your children can play with them. Maybe small doses of highly-supervised play will help them learn - looks like they really need that in their lives!

Learning about their past may help you understand where they are emotionally - usually their emotional/social age is much lower than their chronological age. You and your children could be their mentor in how to socialize properly.

I'm sad for these children - foster/adoptive children are wonderful, caring children who have had a very difficult past. They really need help in overcoming their difficult past in order to have a great future. If the parents won't help, I hope that you and your neighbors can do as much as possible (even in small doses) to help these kids learn social skills. Kids are smart, and they will learn what they can and can't do around you vs. their parents. If you don't tolerate negative behavior and send them home immediately if you start to see negative behavior, but invite them over when they can be nice, then they will learn that they need to be nice in order to play with your children.

I wish I had more help - the adoptive parents may be overwhelmed, or should not have adopted these children. However, unless they are putting them in danger by neglect or abuse, there's not a lot you can do. Maybe getting to know the entire family would help - have cookouts, etc. (but watch closely how the children play together). That way you can get to know the parents and see if there's anything wrong, or if there are more resources you can help them with (counseling for the family, etc.)

Answer 10

You don't say how old this child is, but I experienced the same some years back. As I wasn't getting help from the parents, I sat the child down and told him in NO uncertain terms would he be allowed to bully, destroy or throw a fit at our house. I went on to say we enjoyed having him over, but we have rules at our house...if he chose not to obey the rules, he wouldn't be allowed to come back for three days (he lived next door, as well). It took one time of banning him for three days - he was able to "control" himself after that.
Good luck!