How To Push Adult Son To Get A Life Of His Own!!!???

Question

Son, age 26 still lives at home. Has had only two jobs since graduation for only a short time each. Was fired from both for poor attendance. Makes excuses and blames everyone and everything for why he doesn't get out on his own. Has health problems but nothing serious. Has had a few bad breaks but nothing serious. We provide everything for him. He does very little around the house, has a negative attitude, and tries to lecture us and micro-manage everything we do. I've told him repeatedly it's time for him get a job and get his own place. He always has a comeback and tries to make me feel guilty. Threatens to disown us. We're willing to help, but he needs to help himself also. If I don't do something I'm afraid he will be with us until he's 87! This causes problems as his step-father resents totally providing for a grown man. My other son, not yet 18 is already working on advancing to adulthood and is making good progress. Need a way to do this without alienating him. Suggestions?

Answer 1

yell alot he'll move out in no time

Answer 2

Does he have a girlfriend? Who are his friends? Does he have a car and how does he pay for the insurance, etc.? You say that he has had two jobs but was fired for poor attendance. Did he use public transportation or did he drive? Sometimes public transportation is the only way to get to a job and it's easy to end up being late or absent from work because that transportation is so unrelible (a bus that is running late can make you very late for work!)
He sounds like he has a pretty low opinion of himself despite bossing you around. Are there roommate situations he can look into? Sometimes there aren't because the town's not big enough to have a lot of young single workers.
You could offer to send him to counseling (not, there would be money well spent!) with the idea that by a certain month next year (that gives him plenty of time!), he will be out and on his own!
He hasn't got his 'feet wet' in the independent working world yet. If he's had great advice and feels better about himself, he should be able to handle it!
Has he gone to college or just high school? That makes a difference too. Having a marketable skill helps a great deal. If he doesn't feel that his skills are valuable, he may feel like a job is not going to matter because he's pessimistic about being able to succeed there.
How about the service? I'm not recommending the infantry but is there another military option that he might consider? He would not have the option to skip work there!
Does he have a weight problem? If so, it might be a huge problem in his mind but less of a problem in yours. That's something that counseling would help too.
I can't imagine how seeing a counselor would alienate him. If everything is couched in terms of helping getting him 'launched' out on his own, I don't know how he could take it personally.
P.S. Tell him he has an open invitation to eat dinner with you even if he lives elsewhere! He may take advantage of that for a good long while but eventually, he'll be distracted by his own life!

Answer 3

That's a really tough situation. I know a bunch of people are having heavy problems like that right now. First off, I hope things do get better for you, whether or not my answer or any other answers help. Life shouldn't be so tough and unfair for someone trying so hard to help people, but I think the evil in the world often seeks out the good to try to bring them down. Now, I don't know your whole situation. It is not entirely clear whether you meant that you did call children's services because you knew that they needed to come and do something about your daughter's situation or that you did not call them at all and he is simply lying about everything. In the case that you did call them, though not for a "meal ticket", he is probably angry because he thinks you have turned against your daughter. If that is the case, he probably will not get over it quickly and I suggest you stay away from him and be the angel that you are only for others for a while. Perhaps, sooner or later, he will see the truth and learn to appreciate you. If he lives with you (you did not indicate whether he did or not) tell him he has to move out. You don't need the aggaravation. If you did NOT call children's services and he is lying about everything, then he is likely under some bad influence, perhaps from his girlfriend. If he is an adult, that's his choice. Tell him you don't know why he would lie, but that you can't be surrounded by liars. Urge him to walk with God and be honest, but tell him you can't be near him until he does. Basically, you seem to have enough on your plate without dealing with his lies or misunderstandings. Talk to him, of course. If that doesn't work, though, distance yourself from him. If, for some reason, this will not work for you, I suggest family counseling. It might help either way, actually. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 4

I am truly sorry that this is happening to you. I myself am 26, married for almost 7 years, have 3 kids, full time job, and attend college at night to advance my career in nursing. My parents and I have a wonderful relationship and see each other almost daily (they live only 15-20 min away). I am telling you this because, at 18, I was just like your son. My parents said "here's the door" literally. It took me all of 3 weeks to get over my initial anger at them. It may sound like a young age to you, but I was disrespectful, came and went as I pleased, had a negative attitude as well, and didn't respect anyone else in the house, including my younger sibling. When it time, its time. Give him a week or two and then stick to your predesignated kick out day. You may need to change the locks and go away for a much deserved weekend vacation. Notify the local authorities of you situation before you leave. I can almost guarantee you that his threats are only that, and this may even bring you closer eventually.You will be doing this slacker a favor in the long run. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

Give him a deadline to get a job and tell him if he doesnt he is out in his ear. Then when he leaves the house put his things outside and change the locks. You arent doing him any favors by giving him everything he needs. He is a grown man not a baby. By helping him all the time you are crippling him. What will happen to him when there are no parents anymore and he is 50 years old and never had a job? No one will hire him then.
You better get serious now while he is still young.

Answer 6

Tell him he should join the Marines, it's career and he'll get paid for it and they will teach him to be a MAN the hard way but HE WILL grow Up.
You definitely need to cut the Apron strings on this young man.
When I was at home and started my first job my Mom and Dad said OK! now you're working you need to pay room and board to us.
And from then every paycheck I ever go until I moved out I paid 3/4 to my parents. Tell him he's got to do this from now on and he'll move out quickly. BUT Don't back down. You don't owe him anything. You gave him life, that's enough.

Answer 7

My older brother fits almost the exact same description.
Actually, our family is probably the same as yours (similarities in ages of your children).

My parents and I have been trying to convince him to go back to a community college, and he does, however a few weeks after the classes start, he drops out, either because of difficulty, changing interest, or he can't pay for the classes.
The only difference is that he blames himself for not being to go out on his own. The way I see it, your son and my brother are not really different, their choices are what made them that way, but you probably already know that.

My parents try to help him out by dividing his income, giving him a portion as money for gas and entertainment, and saving the other for the long run. We also stopped doing his laundry, washing his dishes, and cleaning his room. He does pay my parents rent for his room to teach him about living on his own, but sometimes that makes him more miserable.

My parents have also been telling me to try and encourage my brother to get a decent job, but I feel kind of bad and guilty that I'm the one "on track" and the older one isn't. (In other words, I should be looking up to my brother, not the other way around). You could try to get your younger son to talk to him about moving out, because there is only so much that you can say before he will shut you out. By having your younger son talk to him, he should be able to be a bit more comfortable and put his guard down enough to actually listen. Just make sure that your younger son doesn't exactly emulate what you say/what you've told him in lectures or arguments, or else your older son will catch on about that plan.
It worked for me when I talked my brother into getting a full-time job.

Good luck to you and your family

Answer 8

What kind of a parent have you been for the past 26 years. From the time they are born you are teaching them self esteem, drive, ambition. Was he raised in a divorced home?

Is your 18 year old son from your second husband, raised in a real home with his real bio mom and dad? Maybe that is why he is more successful.

Answer 9

You're going to have to do it the hard way, if you're serious about making your son an adult. Give him a three month warning to find his own place (and get a job), and at the end of that three month period, kick him out--no exceptions. You are doing him a disfavor if you allow him to stay dependent on you and make you feel guilty about doing a nice deed. God bless.

Answer 10

If I were in your situation I would give him a time frame to get a job and his own place.Yeah hes probaly going to be really pissed at you but in the long run he will thank you for it.And I dont blame your husband for not wanting to take care of a grown man,hes old enough to take care of himself.QUIT babying him!!!!

Answer 11

well you should build a house next to your home and maybe he will spend time there and when you have any trouble hes bye your side for the job thing if his father or you have a job maybe he could be your helper and get paid enough to do what every he wants with the money.