I borrowed money from a friend... and I want to know if I am a jerk?

Question

I was talking to my friend about a particularly bad time I was going through with money. I couldn't afford a house payment so he offered to let me borrow $1600.00. I accepted. This was in December.

I was going through a divorce and he had a crush on me. I care about him too but then I wanted to work on my relationship with my ex so I got back with him. I kind of let the money slide and didn't pay him back at all.I didn't tell my husband about borrowing this.

After I told him in June that I was getting back with my ex, he was crushed and made the money a gift. I didn't accept but still did not pay him back.

In August, he said I was taking advantage of him. I got really offended and told him to never talk to me again. I felt like he was taking stabs at my character as a person. After saying that, I started sending him $50 and he sent me back the check ripped up. He said money isn't worth losing a friendship over. Am I being a jerk?

To jennqt341... I didn't send the $50.00 until August when he told me I was taking advantage of him. I didn't send him anything until then. He turned it in to a gift in June and I denied the gift and said I'd pay him. Then in August he questioned me on it.

Answer 1

You are a jerk at the end of paragraph 2. More so after paragraph 3. And certifiable after the last.

Answer 2

Sounds like you lost a good opportunity with this guy. Now you might want to start being honest with your husband and tell him about borrowing the money. Hiding things from your husband isn't a good way to start a marriage, much less repair one that's been damaged. Maybe together you can give him a money order for the whole $1,600. Maybe he won't rip that up. If your husband finds out about the debt by surprise, guess what? No more marriage, and he probably won't take you back again. And this guy won't risk getting his heart broken again, either. Since you borrowed the money in Dec, you should have started paying him back in Jan, and not let it go for six months. He maybe saw you sending that check as a slap in his face. But you and your husband present him with a $1,600 money order. No checks. He may not believe you have it in your account. He may have made his money a gift, since he didn't figure you'd pay him back, but since you apparently told him you wouldn't accept that, he expected payment, and after two more months of not getting paid back(a total of 8 months now), he probably told you you took advantage of him because maybe he was telling you he wasn't going to be a doormat anymore. And him sending back that check either said he wanted nothing more to do with you, or he didn't believe your check was good. So present him with a money order, face to face, both you and your husband, with big time apologies.

I am curious why you still had contact with him even after you chose to get back with your husband. I'm thinking there's more going on here than meets the eye, at least for those of us reading this.

Answer 3

No, I don't think your being a jerk at all, however, this is a debt and you should have shown him some respect by paying him back as soon as you could and not waited so long. I think you're being wise to try and patch up your marriage but I also think you need to come clean with your husband and tell him about the loan. I think you also need to try and make it right with this guy. But I also think you need to ask him what he wants from you and if he wants more then a friendship tell him no can do. That you are back with your husband. I think he's the one being the jerk right now by sending you mixed messages as well. He either wants his money back or it's a gift, it can't be both. He's the one that's hurting the "friendship" by making it seem that he expected more from you just because he loaned you the money.

Answer 4

I don't think you should of ever borrowed the money from him especially if you knew he liked you. You were taking advantage of him and I'm glad he finally had the courage to tell you. But it was good to hear that you tired to start sending him payments. I would try to send him one more payment with a note saying that you would like to pay back this "Gift" that he gave you and make of copy of the letter maybe even get it notarized. You can go to your bank and do this. If he doesn't cash it or if he sends it back again ripped up save it so that if he ever tries to sue you for the money you will have proof that you tired to pay him back. Oh, and by the way you did over react when he said you took advantage of him. I think you were looking for an excuse to stop talking to him.

Answer 5

Yeah, I'd say you are definately being a jerk. To not see how he went out on a financial limb for you in order to HELP you, your insensitivity really comes across as crystal clear. Now that it's payback time, you try to find reasons to bash HIM by saying that he's wanting to be paid back due to sour grapes.
Funny how when he was concerned for you and decided to lend you the money, you didn't have any notion about there being an ulterior motive involved and you accepted it gladly because your concern was only for yourself and your situation.
You have a very overblown view of yourself and have placed yourself as a "romantic" interest in the eyes of this guy now that it's payup time. You didn't even tell your "ex" about the loan, not because you feared he might think you have something going with this guy, but because you don't want him to know that you're in financial debt.
Yeah, I'd say that you truly ARE a jerk and the fact that this guy is willing to rip up the check in order to save the friendship is truly remarkable. Especially since he now knows just what kind of person you are.

Answer 6

Well as your friend he made the decision to help you. As your friend (no matter his feelings towards you), he should accept the fact and applaude you for trying to resolve things in your marriage, marriage is much much more important then a friendship, I don't care what anyone says. A friendship is a vow between two people, a marriage is a vow made to God and two people. So he should have accepted that from the get go. When you told him in June that you were getting back with your ex, and he offered it to be a gift, that was his fault, you made the effort to send him the money $50 at a time, and he made the decision to rip the check up. I feel that you made a decision in your best interest, he was helping you with other motives, and then decided to take it personally. To me that is no true friend, a true friend would have helped you, made it a gift (as he did) and helped you bottom line, not taken it personally once other motives were not fulfilled. As for you not telling your husband you borrowed it, really you could tell him and he couldn't say anything about it because you were doing what you needed to do to survive. Is it necessary to tell him no, it really isn't how does that influence your marriage at this point?? It really doesn't you are trying to take care of it on your own and that's it. At this point I would stop sending him any checks because you have made an effort to send him the money back, you were not choosing money over your friendship, he is the one that took it to a completely different level, once he had already said it was a gift. You tried to pay him, he is trying to prove some point, and I would stop sending him checks, if he wants to behave like that let him do that, you have enough on your plate with saving your marriage that you don't need that on your plate at this point. I do not believe you are being a jerk!! Good Luck!

Answer 7

i would have NEVER given ANYbody $1600.00 so hes crazy for that! he should have known what he was doing when he passed that money out to you. when people give money they should give it knowing they will never give it back you didnt have the money to pay your bill so what made him think you had the money to pay him back? that was dumb on his part and you sending a 50$ i would have been pi$$ed and sent that check back to you also and sued you for the money and went to your house and demanded my money and it wouldnt have been pretty so he is taking this more calmly then i would have. then i wouldnt have accepted the check because a man or anybody always wants something in return you dont give nothing for FREE. WELL ANYWAYS!!! you need to start a payment plan..like 300$ a month..you better get a second job! dont leave that man hanging..you should tell your husband!! because when he finds out on his own he might be upset with you and even upset you kept it from him because this guy might make matters worse and bring it up or come to your house demanding the money and it might just make matters worse between ur husband and u..you have too many issues!

Answer 8

Yes you are being a jerk. You must have known full well that this guy had feelings for you when he lent you the money. You should be making an effort to pay him back much more than $50. He has every right to make stabs at your character because you are obviously completely untrustworthy, and you are lieing to your husband.

Answer 9

It sounds like he was trying to buy your love. Either that or he really cared about you, and thought maybe he would have a chance with you, and by helping you out financially that would give it a little push. He offered to help you so you shouldn't feel bad about it. And for him to not understand that you need to work on your family first isn't being a very good friend to you.

Answer 10

Yes. You need to pay him back. You hurt him is why he's saying now he doesn't want the money. Of course you took advantage of his offer, and just make sure you find a way to pay him back.