My girlfriend was brutally raped 10 years ago. I did not know her then, but I want to be here for her now. I love her with my entire heart, but this can be hard for me to handle. She doesn't ever want to talk about it and she becomes numb(emotionally) when I touch her or when we become intimate. She flinches when I touch her and she has a hard time wanting to sex. She would rather not be touched at all. She is a wonderful lady and we want to spend our lives togerther, but how do I help her through this and become more touchy. I am a physical person and I love physical contact. She doesn't want to seek help, because she does'nt want to talk about it. It was really bad what happened to her. I want to be the one who helps her and stays by her side. That person took the most beautiful thing in my life and made her afraid to be close to anything. How do I undo what he did? How do I help her to feel safe? How long until the memories fade away?
2007-08-16 08:21:07 · 58 answers · asked by just me 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
There is no way to undo what he did. The memories will never fade away. You can only be patient w/ her while she heals. Respect her space. Be there when she is ready to talk about it. It will take a lot of time, you must be willing to give her the space and time she need to heal if you want to have physical contact with her. I am so sorry this happened to her, and that it is putting such a strain on your relationship.
I know you said she doesn't want to seek help and doesn't want to talk about it. She really needs to, though. There is no way she can even start to heal unless she faces it.
2007-08-16 08:26:45 · answer #1 · answered by gorgeous 4 · 7⤊ 0⤋
Wow I really feel for you and think you are great for sticking by her at her time of need, even though it may be a bit complicated. Its obvious that you have a genuine love for her, and my advice would be to keep doing what you are doing, for now. Dont make her feel like she HAS to talk to anyone about it, but make sure she knows that if she ever WANTS to talk about it, that you will give her all the attention she needs. All rape victims have their own reaction, some more traumatized than others. I have been there, but for some reason, it doesn't affect me now. Maybe because I knew the person and believed that they "didn't mean it" and have forgiven that person. But I dont know what she went through specifically, so I can only imagine how she feels. You cant change what happened, but you can comfort her by just being there. Let her know that 1) You love her no matter what 2) She didn't do anything wrong; it was not her fault 3) You love her 4) You love her. And in the meantime, just be gentle with her as much as u can. Instead of having sex, just hold her tight sometimes and let her know its not always about sex. I know that as humans we all have needs, so it may be hard but know that when she finally is able to put that part of her life behind her, the 2 of you should have a strong bond that is much more than skin deep. Just continue to be there, and comfort her. But just so you know, the memory will never fade.
2007-08-16 08:36:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The memories will never fade away. But you can lessen the hurt by being there for her. Dont try to pressure her into talking about it, as it might make her feel like she cant rely on you. Pressure doesnt work. Do an experiment, tell her you wont touch her for one or two days until she touches or starts getting intimate with you first. If she's not ready, no big deal. But if she decides that she can have the courage to get over what happened and see that you arent pressuring her, she'll not only be closer to you, but it'll also help her see that not everyone is a bad person.
2016-05-20 15:51:37 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her need has to seek help, if you to are ever going to make anything of your relationship. She doesn't have 2 talk about the rape with a counselor until she is realy but start seeing one 2 help manage the other issues in your life and when she is ready to talk about she will be more comfortable with the counselor. My heart goes out 2 the both of you, this is why I am for harsher penalties for sex offenders there damage, has a ripple effect that will keep on goin until she seeks help and stops it. I wish you all the luck. Maybe she can find a rape line, so she doesnt have to look at them or be seen. And look for group therapy, is can just sit in and see that she;s not alone and when she's ready 2 join in she can.
You are a good man! She is lucky!
2007-08-16 08:32:39 · answer #4 · answered by Peas 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is most unfortunate that she will not seek counseling, that would be the best thing for her.
I wonder how long you have been with her?
The only thing I can think to recommend is patience; taking it very slow, and not pressing her to talk about it. With time and love hopefully she will learn to trust you so much that she can learn how good intimacy is with someone who loves and respects her. It may take years. It sounds like she is at least willing to allow sex, that's probably a huge step for her, and will help you to wait.
I feel for you; you love her and naturally want the closeness and touching but she's not able right now. I guess you just need to hope for more some day.
She's lucky to have you and maybe your love can help her heal.
2007-08-16 08:34:09 · answer #5 · answered by Karrose 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Speaking from experience (its been 4 years now) I still have my momments where I am an emotional wreck & can't stand any guy touching me. Every women deals with this situation differently there is now 'right way' to help her with this. There is absolutly no way to undo what he did that will FOREVER be apart her unfortunatly. I didn't want to talk about my experience either and that lead me down a very dangerous path until recently when I finally started coming to terms with what happened. Hopefully she will be able to get a point where she can come to terms with what happened to her. All you can do is LOVE her and BE THERE for her. She needs to learn that not every man is like that and that there are some good men out there she can trust. Good luck
2007-08-16 08:30:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
The memory will never fade...it will always be there. You can't change that. Being raped is the most brutal form of being violated a woman can ever experience. You can never force her to do anything. You need to reassure her that she is safe with you and you're not going to hurt her. Even then...being intimate is just going to remind her of a guy being on top of her doing what he wanted. I would strongly suggest therapy. Go as a couple if she doesn't want to go alone. Good luck.
2007-08-16 08:27:26 · answer #7 · answered by geminiqtpie22 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
rape is a VERY hard thing to get over and you're doing a really good job showing her that you understand and love her no matter what has happened in her past. I think that you should talk to her about how you feel explian to her how much you really love her and want to be the one for her to help her through anything and everything. Tell her that you want that intamacy with her but you promise not to move too fast but yet help her get comfortable to be intamate with you. As long as you can be patient and help her see through her past i'm sure she'll really appreciate all you're doing for her and it will help to make her strive to get over her past once and for all. I wish the both of you the best of luck for I have many friends that have gone through the same ordeal and it's not easy but I give you BIG props for standing up and being a man to be there for her. Take care. . . :)
2007-08-16 08:39:04 · answer #8 · answered by *hayn/filipina* 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The memories will "never" fade away. Never !
Unless she is willing to go get help with this, and to deal with it, and to talk about it....there's nothing that "you" can do.
It has to be up to her.
She just has to learn that being intimate with the person that you love, is a very important part of a loving relationship.
Otherwise all you really have is a wonderful friendship.
And if you need more than that, then you need to talk to her about it.
Not to put pressure on her about having sex, but just for her to get the help that she needs in order to be in a loving relationship.
2007-08-16 08:29:34 · answer #9 · answered by MommaBear 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Get her attacker tie him up and let her do what she wants to him... Wishful thinking but that may be the only cure. Give her time and be patient. Give her control and make her feel beyond special. Be her protector and champion. Let her feel VERY secure in your presence. Rape victims seldom recover from the trauma completely, but with effort they can have semi normal lives. I am sorry this happened to her, and more I am sorry for you having to deal with it. You are a fine young man. Do some research and maybe try to understand the technical side of the emotional hurt she has been through.
Good Luck to you.
2007-08-16 08:29:38 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋