Do you have a negative person of influence in your life you cannot protect yourself from?

Question

One who reflects back on you that you’re not worthy, either ethically, the way in which you treat them, or in what you might choose to undertake as a serious endeavor?

Do you take responsibility for examining their negative feedback for self-correction?
Do you attempt to remove yourself as much as possible from their life and influence?
Do you attempt to understand them and bless them as you would want them to bless you?

What is a spiritual view on this sort of situation and how might your view suggest a course of action?

I am thinking of people in our inner circle like a parent, a child, even a spouse or perhaps a boss or even a church member. People who carry grudges and are invested in their negativity and do not believe in forgiveness.

This seems like a truly difficult circumstance to deal with.

I put various possible responses to a difficult person in my question to discourage answers that might tend to only vent frustration but offer no solutions. Answers which tend to overlook personal responsibility. I’m very happy with the results. I also named the various relationships in order to open up the question to the experience of as many people as possible, who share the common problem of a difficult person of influence in their lives.

Your answers remind me of many of the approaches I’ve taken in the past. Still one can forget and need to take a refresher course at times. The breadth of experience is wonderful. One response was of such obvious authority and experience that it made my eyes moist.

I wanted to make note of the many good answers here and my satisfaction with them. But I’ll leave the question open for a while as an invitation for others with a similar interest to share their experience.

Answer 1

I used to. My father was a very negative influence in my life for many years. He was an extremely abusive alcoholic. After my mother died, he mellowed out quite a bit, but eventually killed himself, leaving me homeless, which is a scary thing for a kid to face. One image I'll never forget as long as I live is coming home from school and seeing his body after the suicide. For many years, he never had a kind word to say to me, and often battered me. He broke several of my bones, beat my pet dog to death in front of me, and did other things that I can't talk about here. Toward the end, though, I began to feel sorry for him.

It took a long time for me to forgive him, and there are moments when I can still feel a great deal of negative emotion just by thinking about how he treated me. But I have also come to realize that I love him very much.

My religion teaches forgiveness. I must forgive him, if I have any hope of making spiritual progress. There have been many times when I wasn't even sure how to approach that task. I also find that I might be able to forgive, but forgetting seems impossible.

Answer 2

We all make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes cause serious rifts. If you've really hurt a parent, a child, a spouse, boss, or friend you should swallow your pride and ask for their forgiveness. That does not mean they have the right to have unreasonable expectations of you in the future. You have to move on.
Unfortunately, in many cases, you can't always physically remove yourself.
I've found an effective way to deal with this toxic problem and I hope it helps you. Adopt an attitude of benevolent detachment. If you're angry or resentful with another person, you're attached. If you continue to try and change their feelings or behavior, you're attached. But benevolent detachment is like saying, without actually saying, "I've tried. Now you're over there, and I'm over here. I wish you well, but I'm not emotionally involved anymore." This takes practice, but it absolutely can be done. And you can pray for them or see them in a white light, whatever helps to lessen any negative attachment. In the end, it will give you peace.

Answer 3

yes i have such a person as a girlfriend.

With the negative feedback i get , i will first ignore and try to forget, this 'forgetting' can take a couple of days. Sometimes she will explain why she said what she said, and sometimes i will understand her better and even adapt my behaviour.
I have the feeling this is not the correct way of me , it builds up a reservoir of 'unforgettables' that might never be resolved. It is difficult to discuss the unforgettables because it will quickly become a word fight about something else , i can not advice you anything else then to leave the person

Answer 4

While the people here have been very supportive, and I imagine that is very satisfying, I think they are not reading far enough into your dilemma. It sounds to me as though you are saying that you are having to make a choice between your chosen actions and this loved one.

First of all, if you (and it appears that you do) admit that you have treated them in an unethical manner, that is much different than just surviving the random attacks of an unprovoked aggressor.

This means that you have provoked them to behave in such a way as to chastize you and protect themselves. This is not negativity, this is reactivity. They are simply REACTing to your behavior. While not always the best way to deal with people, reactivity is inevitable if you have created a threat to their wellbeing.

If you truly believe that this person cannot forgive you, then you must make amends anyway as much as is possible then agree to the parting of the ways, so you can get on with your life and they can get on with theirs.

Answer 5

Yes. I have several "thorns" in my side. Ultimately, I am the only one responsible for how I feel about myself and what I do with and in my life. I know how the Lord sees me. That's all that matters. Pruning people from your life is a very hard thing to do. If there is no fruit on that branch, cut it off. You've probably had time enough to determine if any fruit will every grow there... Otherwise, the is no room for new growth down the road. Sometimes, those "pruned" will surprise you.

Answer 6

The chap who named the Bush crowd certainly tapped at my core, but truly, for reasons I'll not explain here, I am unaffected by any negative vibes which might come my way. I'm horribly strong-willed and determined, and I suspect these attributes sped me toward achieving my goals and staying there. Knock on wood. Generally, I do not suffer fools; generally, also for reasons I'll pass on by here, I know how to get what I want. It's a heck of a long way from a cotton-mill village in backward Georgia, I'll tell you that. If I were burdened by religious belief, I'd pray five times every toward the island of Manhattan, or, since I live in Manhattan, toward Times Square.

Answer 7

You haven't specified if this is a person in your life that is making you miserable or an influence that is hounding you. If it is a person, than I would say that you need to limit how much contact you have with this person. On the other hand, if this is an influence I would consider the possibility of a strong influence in the spirit realm in which he would be called Satan. He is the destroyer, the one that wants to make you think that you are NOT worthy to be the individual that God made you to be. It is his life goal to destroy all that God has intended for your future. Let me tell you that God has great things in store for you, more than you can possibly imagine and Satan has it in his mind to rob and steal from you all that God has promised. Do NOT let HIM WIN!!!! He will be dealt with when JESUS Christ the KING OF KINGS and LORD OF LORDS returns and TRIUMPHS over ALL EVIL!!! Don't give up HOPE it is something that will see you through and JESUS has never left your side and God Almighty wants you to have ALL that he has in store for you. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU!!!

Answer 8

I have more than 1 in my life.... *Sigh*, and it is very hard to each day wake up and face the situations that surround me and my family..... I won't go into detail, but , let me just say, each moment of my day is influenced by one or the other of these people........I have no problem with forgiving, I think, but each day a new challenge is presented to me by , like I said, one of them........ I do not know at this time what action I am to take, I am waiting on God to let me know..... and I do try to understand or see from their point of view, I really do, but in some cases I just can't see it.... but, again, I wait on God........... God bless

Answer 9

I think every person in this life has what I call "heavenly sandpiper". They are people who irritate and chafe our hearts, minds, bodies, & lives to help make us stronger Christians and toughen us up so that we are not easily bothered, offended, or staggered by what comes against us.

Most of those who are my "heavenly sandpapers", I understand why they are the way they are. And I strive to remain civil and kind in the face of their scratchiness, but I do NOT seek out their company. I know my limits and stay within them MOST of the time.

Answer 10

absolutely... honestly, i am a person who tries, and for the most part, does get along with everyone. however, there is someone in my life that has neg effects on me that cause me to be angry, bitter, and even hateful at times.. sadly, this person is a church member, and more sadly, i sat down with this person, and tried to work the diff. out exactly according to how the BIBLE says you should do it....everything turned out peaceful for a while, but she is back to her constant judging, and condeming you if you happen to miss a sunday.