My 6 year old has lost it...please help!!?

Question

My oldest daughter is 6 and about to be in first grade, she's normally very loving and caring and other than normal bouts with her sisters and the bad days everyone experiences, she's perfectly okay. But, the last six months or so she's just lost it. She's mean, she screams and yells at her father and I, she kicks and screams, she's defiant and rebellious, she won't listen to anything we say. I just don't know what to do. We do believe in spanking, but not very often, only when warranted (such as for screaming "I F'ing hate you!" at the top of her lungs) but it's not working, time-outs, taking things away, time by herself, being left out of family activities for behavior, none of it is working. We've even tried a reward schedule, meaning if she didn't throw a fit, she got a point for that day, if she got over a certain number of points in the week she got something special. But none of it has worked and I'm out of ideas, please help us!

P.S. She's the oldest of four daughters.

I feel like I should add.....we've been through a lot lately. In March of this year we had a baby prematurely (11weeks early) added to that we have a special needs daughter who is 3 1/2 and requires a lot of attention. We try our hardest to spend individual time with each child as we feel it's very important, but sometimes there's just not enough time to go around being full-time working parents (both of us work 2 jobs) and only having the evenings to spend together.

She learned the "F" word from daycare....imagine my surprise when that came out of her mouth, my jaw hit the floor.

Answer 1

I have seen that including the older child in the time with the special needs child makes them feel good. Not only are you spending time with both, you build the bond between siblings and the older child feels a purpose. They are no longer something you are required to pay attention to but something you need, a helper. Another factor that can be hard for a parent to see is that the oldest child has every right to be jealous. they will get the least attention from you in their lifetime. They see you change the other kids diapers, and feeding them- things they can;t remember you doing with them and they begin to feel very challenged by the other children and take it out on the person doing them wrong- the parent. Asking them to help you, and not in the manner you would ask them to do a chore but as a favor like you might ask your husband to iron a shirt or grab you a blanket as opposed to "honey, mow the lawn" type tone of voice. Its also important for you to know she doesn't hate you she just doesn't know how else to express the anger and pain she feels at losing you. I say the best way to raise a child is to raise an adult. You have higher expectations of a child as they age and they sometimes can not meet those. We expect our kids to be how we have tried to make them, but alas they have their own free will- which is often like ours and that's why we butt heads! She wants to be treated like an adult as much as you wants her to behave, so give it to her. You get what you give with kids. I see parents scream at the children in parking lots and grocery stores, and I laugh when their kid screams right back! Duh, you teach them the behavior and then punish them for it! So, in summation my long winded blurb's point is, treat her like an adult, ask don't command, and watch how you react to things. Oh, and the cussing thing, its a phase. Don't acknowledge the words, if she sees it getting a rise out of you it becomes a very very fun game to simply see how mad you get before you explode.

Answer 2

Children have very sensitive emotions that break easily. She probably feels like you've abandoned her. When she throws a tantrum, it's to get attention. In a situation like this, you must keep your cool as a parent. Do NOT bribe her with a "point system". That's just saying " Once you get enough points and you get your reward, you may throw a fit." Instead try to talk with her, find out why she is doing this, and move on from there.

Stress is also a contributing factor. Dealing your special needs child and your premature one not only puts stress on the parent, but as well as the child. Like I said earlier, children have very sensitive emotions; they mimic the people around them. So, if you're stressed out, frustrated, of upset STOP.

Several things can be done to help discipline the child:
1. Try to spend more time with her.
2. Exercise relives stress.
3. Involve the WHOLE family in an activity they can do.
4. Spank your child if she doesn't respect you. You are the parent, and she is the child.

Martial Arts are a good way to discipline your child. Find a studio if you can, because it will help your child tremendously.

Answer 3

Wow! First of all,where did she hear the ugly word....most 6 years old don't know or how to use it in that way...I can understand her frustration of being the oldest of four girls and the baby with special needs. But this is way too extreme! You said that this has been going on for 6 months....go back in those 6 months and do some deep thinking! Your child is crying out for help in the only way she knows how.Who has and is your little girl been exposed to? I would take her to a pediatric doctor asap for a COMPLETE physical. Do tell doc all that you told us,don't be embarrassed,your daughter needs help now and school will enhance her problems not make it go away. I hope I've been some help,but please consider what I'm suggesting....Best of everything!

Answer 4

Ok...I don't know how helpful this is truely going to be because I do not have children. However, from Aug-May I have 20 in my classroom all day long. The biggest thing I have found that helps with this type of behavior is to ignore it! I know easier said than done. Simply DO NOT give it attention. If she is being mean or violent then take the other children and move them to a new location with out every saying a thing to your 6 year old. I know this would be hard with little ones but when necessary I do it with 20 first graders. If needed I say to the rest of my kids, >>> is not acting appropriately so we are going to move now please go to your seats (or whatever). Then when the child makes the right decision and joins the group I thank them for making the right choice. I agree with many of the others that your child is in need of attention and I can completely understand that you are SUPER busy. Just try hard to carve out some time for her and to praise her when she is being a big help or making the right choice. Children would rather be praised than punished but they would rather be punished than ignored. Good luck.

Answer 5

I understand 3-8 maybe can be very hard when the kid is spoiled. Tell her if she throws fits or yells that she will be left out of a event. I think you sound like a good parent. That wants the best for there kid. timeouts might not work so you may start taking any toys any thing she likes allot. because she is being a bad. This is a very hard point of parent ship so I'm sorry if i didn't come up with anything good.

Answer 6

Wow, you certainly have alot on your plate! I suppose there isn't any way either your husband and or yourself could cut back on work hours? Regardless, I think your daughter should see her doctor and/or a child counselor. Something is definitely up & WRONG with her. A mother knows when something's wrong with their child even if it's slight, but this isn't slight. Sometimes other people (professionals) have a way with kids that we don't & they can get to the root of their problems better/quicker. I'm sure money's tight ( I have 9 kids(, but there are places that will help for free or low cost. Try Lutheren Charities or Catholic Charities. You don't have to to either of the religions (or any at all)-they help EVERYONE or at the very least put you in touch with someone who can. Good luck-I don't really know what else as a parent you can do other than to bring in outside help.

Answer 7

in my opinion, she's seeking attention from you and your husband. she's the oldest with 2 younger siblings that require a lot of care and attention. she's had some attention taken away from her. i imagine she's picked up some bad behaviors from kids in her daycare that have thrown fits to get what they want and the parents drop what they do to shut them up. it works for them, so why not try it at home.

try scheduling special time for just her, like taking only her to the grocery store with you and maybe stopping and getting an ice cream on the way. make her feel important and special. if that doesn't work (it won't work overnight..it'll take some time), i'd consider taking her to see a therapist to see where her anger is coming from.

Answer 8

sounds like a loud cry for more attention,and i know there is only so much attention available,I have 4 kids too.one thing I do is let them take turns helping me cook dinner by themselves so they get their one on one time and I paint their nails and toes as a rewarsd for being such good helpers,I also let them take turns being my special helper when I am grocery shopping,tney really love that and it seems to srengthen the bond!!
if all of that is in place and you still have problems maybe its deeper,(I still have one child that acts nuts no matter what) turned out he had major learning and behavior problems! I had him evaluated at a local cenrter and ending up getting ssi and early education and all,best of luck,just let her know how much you love her and these behaviors are innaceptable!! I think 6 is a rough age I have gotten 1 through 6 and have 1 who is 6,its bumpy!!

Answer 9

you have a full plate! I would look into some extra help around the house...granted- I know that can be expensive- but if you belong to a church group, or even as simple as an SOS to your friends- anyone coming into the home for a few hours a day (preferably) or a week will help...1 to 1 time is truly what your daughter is demanding (but to be safe- always address drastic personality changes with your child's pediatrician)

good luck!!!

Answer 10

Where did your daughter learn to say: I f'ing hate you! Wow!

Honestly, you should start with her pediatrician and/or a child counselor to help the family through this. She's obviously suffering from something...help her to figure out the WHY before you take care of the WHAT. Does that make sense?

Reach out to the resources that are available. Blessings to you and yours.