what would you do if your 14 son snuck out of the house and got drunk?

Question

my son snuck out of his bedroom window last night. i got a call around 3am. from my husbands friend, (who works late and was coming home.) and he said he saw him walking downtown with a friend, and it looked like they had been drinking. (beer can in one hand, and stumbling all over.) so i asked him where they were and drove to pick them up. i called his friends mom, and she came to my house, (we live 2 roads away) we kept asking them why, and how they got the beer but they wer to drunk and never answered. so now they both have a hangover. our question to you(we are asking together) is how do we disapline them? my husband says to smack him. should we? if not what else should we do? please help thanks.

Answer 1

Sounds like a either a long grounding, or boot camp!

Answer 2

My 14 year old did this too. Smacking them around won't help. Have a calm sit down talk about this and the dangers of drinking. Punishment is warranted and the first thing that happened was he was grounded for a week. Next the computer use was gone and finally the cell phone disappeared. This effectively cut off most of his social life for a week. During his week at home, he was required to work out in the yard rather than sit in front of the T.V. His shot gun was also removed for 6 months because we felt his behavior indicated a serious lack of responsibility. By the time the week was done, he knew that the punishment was going to be doubled if he did it again. He hasn't, but it has only been 6 mos.

Answer 3

You could smack him but, I think there are more creative ways to get his attention. First, he would not be allowed to hang out with his "drinking buddy". Second, no phone,TV,cell phone,nothing. I would ground him to his room. But first while he still has that nasty hangover, send him outside in the heat to do some yard work. Find a neighbor or friend or something and put him to work all day. I mean give him water and all but really show him how miserable it feels to be hung over. After all that I would sit him down explain why you're disappointed in him and exactly what he will be living without the next few weeks. ya know the TV and all. Good luck.

Answer 4

Sounds like you have the same problem with your sons that my mom is having with my little brother. I think if I were you (or my mother) I would not keep him from being friends with the other boy, because your son did it too so what makes that kid bad? Your kid isn't bad. They are teenagers and are going to get into things. Doesn't mean you have to support it, just means don't blame yourself. Ground them for a couple weeks if they are turning 15 soon delay getting their permit since they have shown a lack of responsibility. Take away cell phones, TV, the right to go out on weekends for a few weeks. Make them do chores around the house teach them that if they do these things, there will be consequences.

Answer 5

I snuck out of the house at 14, but didn't get drunk. 16 though, I could leave the house, and I did go out and get drunk. So kind of been there, done that. My mom's biggest trump card was knowing my favorite thing and taking it away. I loved going out with friends and talking on the phone. When I snuck out at 14, I was grounded for 6 weeks with no phone, no weekend at friends, no nothing. After 2 weeks I was allowed to at least have TV back. Overall, she reduced the grounding because I behaved, but overall I was grounded for 4 weeks.

The getting drunk part is tricky though. He's a teenager and he's going to experiment. Most do. My parents approach, is that we could go out with friends, and if we choose to drink, we had better be responsible enough to have a DD. If we didn't and we drove home drunk, we lost everything we held dear. If we called and said we had been drinking, but were responsible enough to call and home and have mom or dad pick us up, we didn't get grounded.

This is a moment where you need to explain to your son that he's the only son you have and that drinking and driving is deadly. He could kill somebody or be killed. He cannot be replaced and that his life and well being are far more important to you. If he's going to engage in adult activities, then you should expect responsible adult behavior from him. Try to have an open discussion with him, and come up with an agreement you and your son can live with going forward. Also understand that his behavior from the night before and the choices he made will have consequences.

Good luck. I dread the day I have to have this conversation with my babies.

Answer 6

I completely agree with Destiny. Make the hangover so bad for him that he associates it with being drunk. It worked for me as a teen but then again I am female and we are more sensible. He is too old now to be hitting and smacking around. By this age, the parent should have gained some mental control over their child as opposed to just physical control. You can't beat his butt when he is 20. It's time he learned from his mistakes in a more grown up sort of way. Make him work through the pain. And FYI, a lot of kids do this, your lucky enough to have found out so you can be aware and monitor the situation. Better than being in the dark.

Answer 7

Everyone here keeps sayin to ground him and to take this away and take that away and make him do chores so he dreads the hangover. How many of you did something experimental and stupid when you were 14yrs of age? I'm not saying what your son did was right but the more you scold him for it the more he'll come to resent you, not to mention this is probably not the first time he has done it, this is just the first time he got caught.
Personally if it were me i would allow my son to drink in my home(under my supervision and on special occassions) that way i know he's not getting into trouble elsewhere, your son could have gotten arrested for being drunk in a public place.
i know i'll get a lot of thumbs down for this but he is just a teenager and he just exploring and experimenting all the same things we did as kids.
The more you tell him he shouldn't do it the more he is gonna do it and he'll be more secretive about it.

Answer 8

The key word is conequences.
The best tactic I have learnt as a parent is taking away priveledges-This is not the newsest idea in the book but
in our house once a priveledge is taken away they have to earn it back.
For example my 14year old son came home an hour after curfew so as well as being grounded for two weeks we took away his cell phone and the priveledge of using the home phone(this was a big deal as his girlfriend was away for the summer and he couldnt contact her). The difference was that we did not say you cant use the phone for a week we said you can't use the phone until further notice. He earned back the priveledge by doing chores, babysitting for us and acting mature-it took three weeks for him to do that,he understands that while a priveledge can be taken away VERY EASILY it is not so easy to earn it back.
Him not having a cell phone also brought about other problems like we would tell him he had to be home from surfing at five but if his plans changed and he wanted to stay out he couldnt ring us to explain so he had to come home.
He is always home on time now and while he is allowed to use the phone the priveledge is not fully back. He has to ask our permission first and often my husband will say no just to remind him that we are in cintrol.Somtimes he'll say you can use it between six and six ten but come and ask me first-he gets frustrated but its quite funny because he gets the point. We remind him that once something changes it may never go back to the way it was-especially gaining someones trust back can be tricky.
As your son's behaviour is a little more serious(and I have been through it with my now 19 year old step daughter)something more drastic is requiered. He has really crossed the line by sneaking out first of all and under age drinkning is really serious. Maybe try a boot camp,this what my husband and I did to my step daughter when we caught her drunk at 13-six years ago and she is a really good kid now so dont worry you'll get through it.
A home boot camp is when a parent or guardian transforms a child's room/life into a prison/prison regime.
They are stripped of all their belongings and left with a room with a bed a blanket and a pillow and NOTHING else. the child only leaves their room to go to the toilet,do chores or to do exercise.
They are given three very basic meals a day that they eat in their room. After dinner they are put into lock down,their bedroom door is locked, the lights are turned off and they are instructed to sleep,they are provided with a bucket in case they need to pee during the night.
During the home boot camp there are a number of rules that they must adhere to;they must only speak when spoken to. they must do a minimum of 2hrs of chores/day&40mins exercise. They stand when told to stand they sit when told to sit and use the toilet when they are told to. There are consequences for every breach of the rules......if they speak without being asked to speak,they may be given more exercise,more chores or the boot camp may be extended.
It is set up by parents to regain control over an uppity teen or preteen. It helps to combat bad attitude and general bad behaviour. It is an extremely draining experience for both the child and the adult so often an outisder is brought in to conduct the home camp.
One week was sufficient for my daughter and it worked wonders but it is something I hope never to have to do again.
the rules and routine may very from person to person. When the week is up the teen must earn back each belonging and priveledge bit by bit this includes speaking when they want, using the toilet freely or eating with the family. Once those things that kids take for granted our removed it may be a long time before everything is back to normal.
It took my daughter two months to get all of her clothes back, her music system and all of that.
The last priveledge to be returned was that of the toilet priveledge...meaning she was over two months asking could she go to the toilet. That was degrading and pathetic for a 13yr old but she had the control to get the right back quicker,her father&I really made her work for it as it was obviously an imprtant one.
Most importantly she had the control not to allow any of it happen in the first place if she had only behaved.
Good Luck

Answer 9

First of all I would make their day as miserable as possible. If they are a sleep then wake them up have them go out side and do some chores like gut the grass or something. Do what ever you can to make the hang over as bad as possible.

My brother snuck out of the house once and that's what my parents did. They also nailed the screens to the house that way if he ever snuck out again they would know it.

Answer 10

Wow sounds like me at that age! I'll tell you what WON'T work because it didn't work with me or any of my friends. Don't ground or smack them. It teaches NOTHING. I was such a problem to my parents that they even went as far as to send me to a respite foster care for a few weeks. Still didn't work. There is a reason your son is rebelling and you just have to get to the bottom of it. What worked with me and turned me around at that age was being able to talk to people who wanted to listen. I really wanted to be able to talk to my parents but I didn't know how to tell them that and they didn't know how to hear it anyways. We went through a few counselors before we found someone who was effective in working with us. Chances are that there are some underlying problems in the infrastructure of your family (no offense..you certainly wouldn't be the only ones) or he wouldn't feel the need to disobey you so drastically. In my experience, kids who continuously want to go out and get into trouble have some other problem that needs to be resolved. So it's not so much a matter of discipline (although there needs to be some consequence) as it is a matter of what's going on in his head. That's what you have to figure out.

Answer 11

speaking from a teenagers point of view (im 16) and having been involved in a semi-similar incident a few months ago (and just recently got ungrounded)...punishment is necessary...but seeing as teenagers always think they are right and are anti-parents approach the punishment in a creative way and dont go overboard...for me i was grounded for 4.5 months lost tv, ipod, cell, no ppl over and my curfew was 6 pm unless i was at work and i wasnt allowed to leave my yard....i know that parents are focused on keeping there kids safe but if u punish them harshly u just create extreme dislike and tense feelings b/w parent and child....and while some ppl believe that this is necessary to prove that u are doing a good job its not....first u have to have respect for one another...find out y he did it...find out his side of the story...tlk to him about it, but calmly dont have an all out scream fest....odds are he did it for a reason (peer pressure most likely) and yall both need to come to an understanding that ppl make mistakes and u should learn from them but u also have to suffer the consequences.....