Further to argumentative 8 year old.?

Question

Forgive me for saying this, but I don't know why people are answering my question with things like "you must put a stop to this now, or it will get worse".......

why post this? I AM trying to put a stop to it......it's not just a case of sitting him down and telling him that it has to stop right here and now! I've tried that, it doesn't work.

I've tried being patient, calm, understanding. I've tried smacking him, screaming at him, withholding toys and equipment. I don't take him out anywhere at all now. He has hardly any toys left.

and he was born like this - his father (my ex) is just like this which is why I couldn't be with him anymore. My youngest son (with my husband) is perfectly fine!

I am tearing my hair out and having people telling me to put my foot down and make his behaviour stop, just like that, isn't helping at all!

Answer 1

if you are finding him too hard to cope with maybe you should ask for some outside help is he like it with other people if not he just knows how to play you if so then maybe he has a difficulty im not trying to tell you what your doing is wrong but its gotta be better than you being stressed at him all day and him being miserable because your other child maybe suffering aswell coz you cant go out it doesnt mean your a failure just because you need help sometimes its the only way have you had him checked at doctors could be something like adhd if you have already maybe you need to get a second oppinion i really hope you get what you want but please dont listen to the idiots who tell you to beat him coz they just think its funny but when you have to live with it its gonna get you down good luck i hope it works out for you

Answer 2

(1) The "smacking" will not and never will do any good what so ever. It will only add petrol to an already inflamed situation.

(2) You will need to stop the labelling. There is no evidence that your son has inherited any 'genetic' cause for his behaviour. Making statements like: "He is just like his father" when the next statement is a negative comment about said father, then that is just a recipe for disaster.

Put yourself in your son's shoes. He doesn't have his biological father around anymore which is stressful for even the most well-behaved (genetics or not) children. Add the negative feelings towards his father and what you have is a child who can never be "good enough". After all, he's just like his father and his father's no good.

Do you see?

Having stated all that, you will now need to think like an 8 year old and imagine what would cause any human being the kind of stress he is feeling. It will take understanding on your part and a genuine effort to make him feel included and loved.
In other words, you are going to have to work on how you feel about your ex OR start seeing your son as an individual in his own right. Children are so very sensitive and even if you have never ever even stated any ill words concerning his father, he will still have been able to pick up the feelings anyway. They always do.

The other thing you will need to start doing is STOP resisting and fighting him. I would strongly recommend some of the techniques used by 'Super Nanny'. They work. You will have to think more strategically and take a step back emotionally from his behaviour. When you're right in the middle of a situation it is often extremely difficult to see so many different options but they are there.

From what you've written, I can tell you that trying to control the situation by "smacking", taking away toys or any of those things may give you results in the short term (you have already experienced this) but will not get to the actual underlying problem causing the behaviour. It sounds like the problem is deeper than merely putting a plaster on the situation and quick fix exercises. You will need to think about this and most of all understand that he is in a lot of pain and that is the reason for the behaviour. It isn't always easy to see this when we're at the end of our tether but just try. The smacking will only reinforce his negative feelings about himself and whilst they may "solve the problem" in childhood, just wait for the teenage years.

It is best to develop an intelligent pro-active system of discipline now rather than waiting until he is old enough to really harm himself or others. And, try to stop yourself from "bad-mouthing" your ex. This will help to build a more stable environment for your son. He won't feel like the apple that didn't fall far from the tree anymore.

Lastly, remember to: Praise the good behaviour and ignore the bad.

To Jmo - I haven't seen that calibre of ignorance since I visited Kentucky. Very logical indeed. Take an angry, upset and confused child and then hit them. If if wasn't so sad and sinister it would be laughable. Grow up.

Answer 3

Well, you said a couple of things that raised red flags - ex-husband and youngest son. I don't know how recent your remarriage was or how recently you had your second son, but this could be the reason for his misbehavior. First he had to share you with another man, then you dropped a brother on his head! LOL This could easily explain his misbehavior. On the other hand, if this is a pattern typical of his father, you might want him evaluated by a neurologist, since there could be a physical component. Also, if he was aware enough when you were still with your ex, he could be mimicking behavior.

I think best thing to do is 1. Take him to a doctor for evaluation 2. Get into family therapy ASAP 3. Pick up a copy of Dr.. Phil's Family First. I think it has a section on blended families' special problems.

Good luck!

Answer 4

You say your son's dad was like this!
does your son have contact with his dad? if not could he be feeling sad and confused about this and be acting out?
Could you be treating him differently to your other son because of who his dad is, even though you are unaware of this?
Does HE feel part of the family even though his brothers dad is not his dad?

There could be numerous reasons why your son is behaving badly, at the end of the day he is only 8 years old, do you constantly reassure him that you love him and that he can talk to you about anything?
He sounds confused, remember how you used to feel at his age and how situations that aren't an issue to you may be a huge deal to him! PUT YOURSELF IN YOUR SONS SHOES!

Perhaps you could seek advice from your doctor or health visitor? You can asked to be referred to your local homestart, who can provide a volunteer who will support YOU through this difficult time, the only criteria is that you have 1 child under the age of 5, if this isn't a feasible option you should consider contacting your local social services! I know this is a huge step but if everyone in your house is suffering due to your son's behaviour then there reactions will rub off on your son and could be detrimental to his psychological developement.

Good luck, and remember Support your Son as much as you can, he's only a little boy and NEEDS your love!

Answer 5

Sorry, but no child is "born with" behaviour problems - it's all in the environment, and with the parenting. Probably it's because his father is not in your home is a big basis of the problem - I didn't see your first question.
You need to be doing positive reinforcement, rather than negative. It's hard, but you HAVE to be consistent, it's a lot of work. Ignore negative behaviour (unless it is dangerous), and only reward and compliment positive behaviours.
You DO need to put a stop to this now, and should have long before it got to this point. Part of being a good parent is having guidelines for a children to follow and proper discipline (not punishment).
Perhaps some parenting classes might help you out.
Good luck to you.

Answer 6

I have a 12 yr. old boy that is the same way he will argue with himself for hours if no one will listen. I am his step mother so he mainly takes it out on me and he gets it from his real mother she acts the exact same way. It frustrates me so bad because I will take things away, ground him, everything and nothing helps. Here lately as soon as he starts arguing or yelling I send him to his room to sit on his bed and explain I do not appreciate that behavior towards me and I WILL NOT put up with it and he has to sit there until he can apologize and say ac-least one nice or positive thing. It has helped but every time he starts it's straight to his room. I do praise him for his good behavior and I think that also helps. GOOD LUCK this is a very stressful and hard battle. Hope this helped some!

Answer 7

He obviously learned it from his father. The neighbor's daughter is the same way. She is also 8. Always has to have the last word, and always argues. But JUST WITH THEM!They allowed her to become that way, in my opinion, because they do not smack her or yell at her or anything! Most times, they just ignore her, which only makes it worse. She doesn't do that with other people very often. The doctor wants to put the girl on meds, but I think some good old fashion *** whoopin' is due.

Anyhow - you need more than what we can give you here. Take him to a child psychologist and see if they can help you to help him.

Answer 8

What is he like with your new husband does he play up or does he behave or has he always been awkward. How old is your second child is he jealous of him/her Two things that children of this age understand carrot and stick. If he has something that he enjoys doing why don't you and him try to get out together and do it together without your new husband or second child. Just beating him or withholding things hasn't and won't work. When i had twin boys many years ago i used to do a count down with them or send them to there room until they had calmed down. Mind you there room didn't have any TV or games machine in like they have today....

Answer 9

Have you spoken to his teacher at school? They maybe able to point you in the right direction, all schools these days interact with health visitors, carers, parents ect. He may be angry about something and is displaying this in the way he speaks and acts. I would consider talking to some one professional doctor ect it sounds like there is an underlying problem that needs tending to. Really hope this helps

Answer 10

Umm, hello, did you read my post? The kid needs an outlet that doesn't involve you.

As for patience - there is a book you need to read about teaching methods by Fred Jones called "Tools for Teaching". It is for classroom teachers, but everything in there is applicable to parenting, as well. It explains the biology of the stress response, what happens to YOU when your child back-talks, and how to deal with it without escalating the situation.

In short, you breathe deeply the second he does something "wrong" - it short-circuits the flight-or-fight adrenaline response that interferes with your ability to think rationally and respond intelligently to a situation. There is more to it than that, but that is the bare basic beginning. There are other good things in there, as well.