How do you tell a 4 year old not to lie?

Question

My daughter is now 4 and a half and has started lying just about everything. She would sometimes hit her brothers and when her brothers complained she would say she didn't do anything. Or, she would take toys from home to kindy and when I asked her if she did, she would say she didn't. I tried everything, telling her it is not nice to lie, it will hurt my feelings, or putting her in time out. Nothing seem to work. When she tells me the truth, I don't get angry with her, instead I tell her, see when you tell mommy the truth, mommy won't be angry. I have ran out of ideas, I don't know what to do anymore. Please help!

Answer 1

I tried this one with my son and it truly works . Tell her you are going to get ice cream and then dont take her and tell her you lied and she might just see what lying gets her , nothing . It stopped my son from lying .good luck .

Answer 2

There are several reasons why kids lie.
First is that sometimes they are telling tall stories, things they wish were true, example: I went to the park and there was a spaceship there and it took me for a ride and then we came home. Tall story.
Second, is that a child has been raised in a very permissive household and has not been prevented from doing things which they feel instinctively uncomfortable about, will lie to try to pretend they haven't done it. Example, a child who hasn't been taught that we do not destroy things just to find out what happens, they destroy something precious and feel bad about it so they lie.
Third, is a child who has been raised in a very restrictive environment and has not been allowed to do normal things safely and cheerfully, so they lie when they've done such normal things because they're afraid of being punished. Example, a kid who's never allowed to eat cookies, finds some and eats the lot, feels bad and lies about it.
Fourth, a kid who is trying to find out where the boundaries are in her discipline with her parents. Kids push boundaries to find out what they can and can't do.
I'm not sure how much this helps you right now. It sounds to me like she is pushing boundaries and you need to be firmer about it. Model truthful behaviour at all times and make it perfectly clear to her that when she is choosing to tell an untruth, she is choosing to lose her privileges - all of them if necessary. Be sure to reward honesty as well, see if you can make a game of being honest and getting rewards. The one thing you don't want to do is create a really good liar - someone who has learnt how to lie and get away with it, because of insufficiently deterrant consequences.
Make sure she knows precisely what a lie is and what the truth is; sit down with a dictionary and spend ten minutes a day discussing the dictionary definitions so she has no doubts. Good luck.

Answer 3

It is hard to know at this age if they really understand what a lie is. They are so creative sometimes they just like the story and othertimes they are trying not to get caught. They really dont get the fact that lies can have an effect on anyone other than them. If you want to try something new.... promise to take her to McDonalds or to the Build a Bear place, something you know she would love to do. Tell her in advance that you are going then dont go, let her know that you lied. Maybe this will help, but she might still be a bit young for this tactic.

Answer 4

In reaction to a TREND of serious lies (they need to be at least, my gut tells me, four years old), I absolutely love this answer from above:

"Tell her you are going to get ice cream and then don't take her and tell her you lied and she might just see what lying gets her, nothing."

I would, personally, actually take her out, but to a store where I need to do an errand...instead of the ice cream shop.

I would not do this more than once, so make sure it's powerful and appropriate. You also gotta be honest and sympathetic about it. Instead of "yeah I lied, deal with it, now you know how I felt", rather, sit them down, look in their eyes and say

"I chose to lie to you, because I want you to know how I felt when you lied to me. Now if I were you, I would be furious that I was led to believe I was getting ice cream, and then bam!, no ice cream. I promise I will not do this again. Now let's go home and start over. If you pretend this lie never happened, I'll pretend your lies never happened. Deal?"

Man what a great idea.

Answer 5

My daughter is 2 and she is doing the same thing. This is really tough habbit to brake. Because They lie so they don't get in trouble. I just started this with my children you can try since she is older you might be able figure an better way.
I post a dollar on a board 4 qaurters because they love qaurters. and I tell them every time they tell the truth when they did some thing they knew was wrong I will give them a qaurter and every time they lie to me I will take a qaurter away. Only side effect to this so far is that my daughter admitts to every thing even when her brother did it.

Answer 6

Let me first say that I am NOT a child pyschologist. However, I raised three kids. Your daughter may be acting out because she feels that she isn't getting enough attention from you. Be firm in your reaction to her lying but start taking note of when the lying occurs. Perhaps more one on one time with mommy will help alliviate the situation. If she feels that she can get attention from you without acting out (lying) hopefully the lying will stop. Good luck.

Answer 7

In my family we have two types of lying, telling stories or tall tales and true lies. We allow my daughter (also 4) to tell stories because she is just expressing herself creatively. However, we do discuss the stories with her and explain that we know they are not true. The true lies, "did you hit your brother?" "No" "But I saw you" type thing are punished with a time out, in addition to a discussion about lying and and why it is wrong. I don't think that she can totally understand all of our discussion about why it is wrong, but I feel that we are laying a foundation for the understanding that will come later.

Answer 8

Tell her that people must be responsible for their actions and that lying is bad. By the way, you have to support this with your own actions. Do you ever tell even innocent lies? You must not. I am not saying it is wrong to tell some innocent lies (e.g. that you are not at home or call in sick for work or sth.), but your daughter must not see you do it.
Oh, and sth. I am not advising, but it's funny. My friend told her daughter that whenever she tells lies she can read it on her forehead, and the little one made sure her forehead was covered every time she told lies!!!lol. But you can ask her to look into your eyes when she says sth. and explain that you can see if she is lying from her eyes.

Or just read her Pinocchio, it's a funny way to understand lies are no good.

Answer 9

Young children are, for the most part, punishment oriented.
I used to try to explain ethics to my daughter, until I realized she was just too young developmentally.
A good friend who is also a child psychologist told me- just tell her lying/ stealing/ selfishness is against the law!
They understand that.
And it is not lying, as these behaviors are the base of many criminal acts.

Answer 10

If you have made the girl think that every her mistake will lead to punishments or spanking,of course she will lie to you.Most children(and most adults) lie from time to time.If we want our kids to be honest with us,we have to be willing to listen to them and refrain from punishing them or ashaming them.We have to look for solutions to the problems.
Parents should explain to their children why is it important to tell the truth and what is trust.A good way to avoid the punishment is to ask the child "What do you think happens when you lie about something?"(this way is successful only if you ask with the aim to understand the child's point of view,not to read lectures).Continue with the questions(asked kindly) - "How do you feel when someone lies to you?","What do you think is the reason children to be afraid to tell the truth?","What would help you to tell the truth without being scared?"
When the child lies to us and we spank her or ashame her,she will probably make some bad conclusions.The punishment helps for the moment but the long lasting effects aren't the one which the parents have tried to make.And of course one child won't learn to tell the truth if she sees you lying - "Yes,chief,I'm sick and I'll be home for 2-3 days" while you want to go skiing.
There are some effective ways to react one child's lying.
1.Accent to the probable conclusions to the problem.Instead of asking "Who has crushed the egg?",offer the child to help her in cleaning and ask her if she thinks the problem may be solved another way.
2.When you think the child is lying,say that "That sounds me as a lie.I wonder what the truth if?"
3.Imagine you are the child.Ask her if she is afraid to tell the truth.Make her sure that everyone is afraid sometimes.
4.Explain her that she has to take responsibility for her actions."Everyone can make a mistake but when you blame someone else you are not less responsible for your action"
5.Explain her what trust is.Help her make the connection between honesty and trust which people have for us.

And finally one personal advice.There is one really useful book for parents,for discipline and other things like that which may help you a lot not only with your husband's daughter but with your own child sometime later.The book is "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" by Jane Nelsen.Here is the site to check for info - http://positivediscipline.com/