How do I convince my husband that my daughter is Autistic and that it's okay?

Question

My 26 month old daughter was diagnosed with Autism 2 months ago. My husband could not come with me to the actual diagnosis because of work. At first he seemed to be handling it okay asking a lot of questions and seemed concern. Lately we have been auguring about it a lot. In an argument he told me to stop trying to find things wrong with her and that she was fine. He seems to be bugged when I talk about the help she is getting through therapy, but basically anytime I say autism you can tell he tries to dodge the subject or start an argument. I really want him to come to an appointment to see that it isn’t me diagnosing her its actual doctors and everyone is just trying to help. I feel like he is mad at me for getting her diagnosed. I hate for it to be a touchy subject in our house since this is something we are going to be dealing with the rest of our lives. He really can’t leave work for appointments so is there another way I can make him more comfortable with word Autism at home.

She is mildly autisic and when he sees things on TV about autistic kids they are usually showing the severe ones and he will make comments that this is nothing like her.

Answer 1

Must be a man thing. My son was diagnosed with PDD NOS (mild form of autism) when he was 24 months - and both my husband and my father were constantly telling me to "stop trying to find things wrong with him!" You'll find iwth the majority of people, if they hear the word autism, they think of the movie "Rainman".

Here are three things that worked for me:

1) If at all humanly possible, have him come to an appointment with you - this truly turned my husband around, to hear an expert MD say that our son was autistic.

2) Another thing that helped was my husband seeing our son with his peers. My son's 2nd birthday party turned him around. He saw my son amongst a bunch of "typical" 2 year olds, and saw how different he acted. It was heartbreaking to see.

3) As long as your husband isn't fighting her treatment, I wouldn't get hung up on your daughter's diagnosis. Regardless of what you call it, it is what it is. To this day, my husband has never used the word "autistic" in conjunction with our son. But he is very supportive of all the therapies he receives, and anything I want to try, and thats what matters. And I find sometimes its easier to just talk about my son's "issues", or the fact that he has PDD NOS, or developmental delays, or he's "on the spectrum", etc..... like I said, saying the word "autistic" often conjures up images of "Rainman", which can be difficult for people.

I hope this helps, like I said, whats important is that you both agree on the therapies and treatments your daughter receives. If that is a problem, I highly recommend couples therapy or anything of the like, as an autism diagnosis is very stressful on a marriage. I wish you the best of luck!!

Answer 2

Wow diagnosed at 26 months, that is the earliest diagnosis I have heard. Usually they wait until 3 years to do the testing and come up with such a diagnosis.

It is hard to hear that your child has something that can't be corrected. When it is a milld case they can outgrow it but severe cases require some care for the rest of their lives. It is just difficult for some to accept that. My cousins little boy was diagnosed on his 3rd birthday but he had signs way before that and we pretty much knew but waited for the Dr to say. If your husband is having such a hard time you need to give him some time. 2 months isn't very long for him to adjust to his baby girl having special needs. If he isn't use to children with special needs this will be a HUGE deal to him. When people ask about his daughter he wants to be able to brag about her and doesn't yet realize that he can still brag about her as she overcomes many obsticles in her life. My cousins exgirlfriend (mom to his son) still won't admit to her son being autistic and it has been 6 years now. She takes him to his classes and works with him at home and everything but she doesn't like to take him places because she dreads the questions from people. Autisim is becoming more known but many are still living back in the old days of if your kid has something wrong with them you send them away. Some people still can't handle the idea of not having a "perfect child". Just do what you can for your daughter and until he is more open to talking you may not be able to mention it. All that matters really is that your daughter is getting the help she is going to need and that you enjoy your daughter. She could get better with time and so couldn't your husband or she could get worse over time. My stepbrother is autistic and he has gotten much worse over the years but I took care of a little girl that at 7 years old most of the signs were gone. I also took care of two little boys who were so sweet but they had autism (brothers) and then their sisters was diagnosed at 3 years old. Just imagine what that family goes through raising 3 autistic children (the only 3 they have) and the mom said the dad took a year after their first son was diagnosed before he could start to accept it.

Answer 3

You can't convince him. Wouldn't it be nice if you could though?

Men and women typically accept a dx in different ways. As you continue your journey and if you belong to support groups you will find that in the majority of marriages the mothers are the ones that do the research, go to the dr's and basically do it all. Often fathers (men) have a tough time admitting that "their" child has something "wrong" with them.

Some men will never admit it, others will come around and still others are on board from the very beginning. My husband believes the dx but doesn't do much to understand it. However, when things happen I just try to explain to him how it relates to ds's AS and we go on. (My son has Asperger's which is on the autistic spectrum)

Slowly dh is learning but he'll never really hve much to do about it. If you dh is a reader I would recommend you try to find some books that may help him understand better. There is a large variety out there.

Answer 4

You can't force him to deal with something he doesn't want to deal with.

Eventually, he will come to accept it, but for now, the only thing you can do is love him, and love your daughter, and continue to not tiptoe around the issue. Pretending it doesn't exist won't make it go away, although that seems to be a common technique for many people.

Consider marital counseling. Many therapists have flexible hours, so that sessions can be scheduled around his work schedule. Counseling (individual and joint) can really help save a marriage. Even if he can't (or won't) attend counseling sessions, consider going yourself. It can give you the tools and support you need to learn to handle the tumultuous life you have ahead.

Also look for online and offline support groups for parents of autistic children. It's a common diagnosis, and the more help you can get, the better.

He also needs to know that autism is a spectrum disorder. some autistics can be so mild that you'd never know it unless you got intimately familiar with them,and they are productive members of society with jobs, families and social lives. Others are so severe that they have to be institutionalized. And there are variances ALL in between.

Answer 5

I have worked with a lot of kids with Autism and theit families, but I am in no way an expert. It sounds like your husband is in denial and just need time to process this and come to terms with it. You may want to talk with your daughters providers and see if there is a support group that you can join, because there are probably other parents who have had similar experiences with their spouses. I know this must be a very hard time for your whole family and I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

My husband went through a similar "denial". What woke him up is when I asked him to read the book "Let me hear your voice" by Catherine Maurice. If you haven't read it, read it yourself then have him read it. After DH read it, he was very down for awhile but that's when he finally "got" it. I was and still am the primary person who found his therapies and talks to his teachers. During one talk with DH I mentioned that his form of "escape" is to let me do everything that has to do with the autism and he doesn't do anything but sleep. He agreed. It's his escape because his cannot "fix" DS's situation.

Autism is daunting and ours seems to be a mild case, not severe like you stated in the commercials. Have him read the book. It really changed his perspective. I had my mom read it too. She totally got it then also.

Good luck. It's a hard situation....

Answer 7

I have been involved with many families of children with autism, and it does seem that it's the fathers who are usually in denial about it. I think as you said it would be good to have him come to at least one of her appointments with you. He needs to hear from a professional about it. He needs to understand that autism is a spectrum disorder and that children are in different places on that spectrum. Most importantly, the label of autism, is just a label of her behaviors, not her as a person. Where I work we offer free counseling to parents, it's something to look into. This changes your entire life and it can be alot to deal with. Good luck.

Answer 8

i think that it is a normal reaction,he doesn't want to believe it yet,or he just cant.ask your husband if he would agree to go with you,to another doctor,of his choice and get a second opinion.
all autism,is not the same,in some people you can barely tell,others are just completely in their own worlds.these are not dumb children,they do understand whats going on,they just have trouble expressing that the way you or i would,some are much more sensitive than us.most of them have knowledge of particular things,our son has this thing with puzzles....hes better than me,hes 15 now but when he was 5....wow...you wouldnt believe it
autism doesnt have to be a bad thing,it something that happens,and can be dealt with the proper way.get as much info as you can,he will have to face it one day,because there are changes that need to be made in families with autistic children.good luck,you guys will be fine,i think hes just in shock.

Answer 9

Kids with autism can be VERY SMART! Bordering in geneous! Point out some of the high points. There are a lot of therepys and things (like ABA and STARS) that can be very helpful....autism can be a challenge,but take it for what it is...I work every day with kids that have autism,and its so fun,and so rewarding...let him know that hes going to HAVE to get on bord if he wants ANY of the therepy that you are doing to WORK! Consistancy is the key! hes gotta be on bord!

Answer 10

give him some time, and let him make the first step when he is ready. The way you are dealing with this matter is good but it doesn't mean that he should react the same way as you. Every body is different, it also does not mean that he is mad at you . You have to admit that it is hard for anyone to learn in one day that your child is sick right? give him some time