he has a 5 year old daughter by a former girlfriend, and has moved into my mother in law's house, which is right next door to me. his grandmother still has him on the "titty" and he is almost 30 years old. me and my husband have helped him and his daughter but things seem to get worse, the more we help the less he cares. he also has us feeding his child twice a month when she comes to visit..he pays her no mind, he goes and picks her up and brings her here and drops her out...any one have any suggestions????
2007-08-15 15:04:55 · 16 answers · asked by princesswhitepaw 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You already know the answer. You said it yourself, the more you help him the less he cares. He know someones always going to come thru for him and lives his life that way. This isn't going to end well for him, he's going to have to make his own way sooner or later. You just got to decide how much longer your going to have a part in this. With the baby it makes the situation much harder but unfortunately you've got to put your foot down on him dropping her off at times other than what you agree to. Good luck.
2007-08-15 15:11:56 · answer #1 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As much as I can appreciate "Flower Girl" 's response, I more readily agree with "overlord_opy". It's VERY important to cut him off ENTIRELY. As a mental health professional with 20+ years experience, now retired, I can tell you that that "Tough Love" as it is often called, is crucial to any success in the mess you've got. You're situation is NOT unreal. It is very real and very common, contrary to what "Todd D" says. I've seen too many such situations in my clinic over the decades, and I can tell you that confrontation by cutting him off is the crux of whether you suceed or not. The fact that your mother-in-law, and participates, if not induces such dysfunction, tells me that you are married into a very dysfunctional family, and your husband is a part of that. You need to hear that and realize that nothing you do may be acceptable to your husband, beyond just talking about it. He too, is a part of that dysfunctional family, so your problems may be bigger than you think. It would be nice if the 5 year old doesn't have to suffer, but, she's going to suffer as a member of that dysfunctional family regardless of what you do, so the sooner you can help them confront their dysfunctionality, the better. But I bet you're going to need some outside assistance, like a counselor. I wish I could help you, but, I'm retired now and it'd take way too much to set up private practice again. I'm sure you have some community mental health clinic nearby, so why not look it up and give it a try. God Bless you.
2007-08-15 22:21:28 · answer #2 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he isn't using his "visitation" to actually visit his child, you should get a hold of the girl's mother and let her know what is going on. I know this sounds harsh, but think of how this kid must feel...here she only sees her dad twice a month and he doesn't even pay her any attention...it's the sort of thing that scars a child. It's child neglect, pure and simple.
2007-08-16 01:16:21 · answer #3 · answered by missbeans 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't give money, give shoes and necessities to the child. If he has a job, help him get a used car with no payments, or car repair- that's it.
The child need's a steady rock in her life.
My girls didn't respect my time. I told them no babysitting unless I had a day's warning. If they didn't tell me where they would be or give me a number or the name of the doctor the child goes' to, or come back when they said they were, Then no babysitting over at their house, or I would take a moritorium for awhile.
He is responsible for taking child to school, picking her up, shopping, and bringing the groceries over for her to eat, dressing her, getting clothes washed, cleaning up after himself and daughter, cooking, and needs' to invite himself over properly if he want's to eat with you guys and when you are so inclined.
Anything else is child neglect.
2007-08-15 22:20:27 · answer #4 · answered by Charles E 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can't believe you are concerned about feeding your granddaughter twice a month. I would have been happy to feed mine three times a day; and so would any decent people. This child is doomed, unfortunately. She will be seated with the dumb, dirty, low-class, unwanted, and uncared for, when she starts school, and remain there the rest of her life in all likelihood. Way to go. This is the land of opportunity.
2007-08-15 22:16:21 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You obviously have to feed the kid, I don't care how big of a d*ck her father is. You can't treat the child like she don't belong either. Your husband will have to deal with his son, it is between them even though you are the one taking care of the girl and feeding her. Atleast when she gets older she will have good thoughts of you and not thoughts of you not wanting her around. What ever happens you can't bring the kid into something thats not her fault.
Good Luck!
2007-08-15 22:14:30 · answer #6 · answered by julia b 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have had to recently practice tough love with my son. I love him so much, but enough is enough. I had to cut him off in hopes he would do something for himself. You have a more tense situation because a grandchild is involved. I honestly think cutting your kids off to get your point across is the right answer. Otherwise, they use and use and use. Good luck. I hope it all works out.
2007-08-15 22:10:30 · answer #7 · answered by Rita 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you could be a little nicer to the 5 year old - who is your husbands granddaughter - and your husband also should be the one to talk to his son, if the situation bothers him.
2007-08-15 22:11:43 · answer #8 · answered by NAN G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
is so hard to do my mom took on the same responsiblity once, with my uncle and his three infants its hard too deal with but eventually you have too put him on his own make him relize he needs too do some stuff too. but dont ever take it out on the little girl help her as much as you can and want to me and my mom still help my cousins when we can but we dont raise them anymore my uncle finally is out on his own and doing ok. just never give up on the kids just because the parents are hard to deal with is the way i see it you are helping out the child thats in need of help. me and my mom will go too yard sales get clothes,shoes,anything we can for the kids so that they at least know someone cares for them. thats the best way to do it is back of alittle but help in the ways that you can but giving space for him to knwo he needs too step up too . hope this helps
2007-08-15 22:13:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop helping him and tell him to grow up and be a father! He sounds spoilt and lazy!
2007-08-15 22:14:13 · answer #10 · answered by neogiee 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋