How would you feel if you were not invited to be in a wedding when you invited them to be in yours?

Question

Some people say that inviting someone to be in your wedding is a show of how they feel about you. Do you have an opinion on what factors go into selecting participants to be in a wedding and what inferences (if any) are involved in being exluded or included? Also, words of wisdom for the person who is asked to participate and the person who is not? And also, the person doing the selecting? Obviously, the person getting married can choose who they want, but looking at the overall scheme of things, the choices could affect relationships for years to come. Any thoughts?

Answer 1

I think that when deciding who to include or exclude, its important to make decisions across the board. If you ask one sister, ask all of your sisters. If you ask one friend from the tight group from high school, ask all of them (the ones you are still in contact with). That way, no one will feel that they specifically were excluded.
That said, it must be within reason. If you are really close to one sister-in-law but not the other, then it might be ok because the other might even feel weird standing up there. So they should be people that you are close to.

Answer 2

If 1000 people enter a raffle, there will be 999 losers for every winner. The losers would be fools to feel disappointed by this or to brood over it.

The bride and groom can only choose a very few people as members of the wedding party, and are under a lot of pressure to please a lot of hard-to-please relatives and future relatives. Don't add to that pressure by admitting that you expected to be chosen as a bridesmaid. This is probably more about somebody's witchy old Aunt Fidgetta, and not about you at all.

So my words of wisdom are "Don't get your hopes up because the odds are against you" and "Don't make a big deal out of it, even to yourself." Don't be petty.

But now here comes the REAL wisdom. Brides, when you ask someone to be your bridesmaid or MOH, enter into a contract with her as to what she is expected to do, to buy. Many a friendship has ended when the expectations of the bride and willingness of the bridesmaid to meet these expectations are not a good fit -- and this isn't discovered until a few weeks before wedding! No fair waiting until she's spent $600 on a dress she doesn't like to tell her she's expected to throw you a shower or "chip in" $200 toward a bachelorette party. All such obligations and expenditures should be discussed before any commitments are made.

Answer 3

Keep in mind that different people have different size weddings. Lets say you had a wedding with 260 people and one of the friends you invited has a wedding with of 20 people all family. Really would be petty for you to be offended in that case, because you are including a much large circle of people. On the other hand if the person you had selected to be your bridesmaid at your wedding is having a wedding of 200 people and you don't even get an invite to the wedding then it is obvious you value the friendship a whole lot more than they do.

Also the bride tends to get to invite more guests, so if you as the bride had invited the now to be groom, he might not be able to invite you b/c he has a smaller allotment.

Almost everybody I know had a really long list of people they wanted to invite that they could not because of size restrictions. So even if someone doesn't invite you to their wedding it does not mean they don't value, they just have more friends and family then chairs.

Also different families have different mixes on friends vs. family.

I have been to wedding where it was immeadate family plus tons of friends. This was a wedding where the couple was pay 100%.

On the other hand I had a friend whose dad paid 100%. She got to invite the bridesmaid and one other friend. The groom got to invite the best man and that was it. Everybody else was either family or one of the bride's dad's buisness associates.

Answer 4

There are so many other factors you need to keep in mind.
How many attendants did she have?
Does she have sisters, close relatives she kind of "had" to ask?
Does she feel bad asking since you may have recently paid for a big wedding and attendants?
Do you have small children that she may be thinking that you'd need to look after at the wedding, running around after them instead of sitting at the head table :-)
Have you said to any friends in the past, "Being in a wedding is so...expensive/time consuming/pain in the butt etc?"

One of my really good, close friends go married and she had to first put her 3 SISTERS in the wedding before she even thought about anyone else.
Also my husband has been in like 14 weddings and best man in 11, needless to say, we didn't have 28 attendants.

Another thing you may want to consider, do you have differing views/styles on weddings?
And/or could you a been a little bit of a bridezilla at your own wedding?

Answer 5

There is a variety of reasons one is invited to be in a bridal party. Some are purely due to wanting to balance out the number with the groomsmen and have nothing to do with preference as friends. Some are chosen by powerful parents who say you must include cousins. I would not take personally if I were not asked in return after having someone in my wedding but rather be very happy to not have to have the expense and stress but rather simply go to the wedding and enjoy. Im sure some people can make a big deal out of it and end friendships, but I would choose to be gracious and respect whatever choices my friend makes if I truly care about them.

Answer 6

A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of two people getting married, not World War III or some sort of game of 'invitational fairness'.

Yes, the inviter should give some consideration to the feelings of the invitees, but everyone is supposed to cut the marrying couple some slack- they are busy and overwhelmed with logistics that rival those of a small invasion.

If you are not invited, it is perfectly OK to POLITELY ask about it in a way that is not judgemental, whining, hurt, begging for an invite, etc.

Something along the lines of "Congratulations! Where can we send a token of our happiness for you?" gives them a chance to invite you if the invitation got lost or something, or just open the door for more conversation on the issue. (Of course, your 'token of happiness' may just be a nice card depending on the answer you get!)

Answer 7

The choices will only affecty a relationship if the person not selected acts childish. selecting the wedding party is hard work and if I selected everyone that I thought deserved to a part of my day I would have ended up with 50 bridesmaids. there has to be a line drawn somewhere. Not being selected doesn't mean they think any less of you. Maybe they choose family instead of friends, or closer friends. There is no reply to not being asked.
If ther person not being asked was an adult about it they would relize this isn;t their day but the bride;s and she is free to pick whomever she wishes.

Answer 8

Inviting (or not inviting) someone to be in your wedding isn't really a show of how they feel about you. If they have a large family, typically spots go to them first, then close friends down the line. If they only plan on having two attendants and one is a relative and one is a friend from grade school, so be it. If you happen to have 3 attendants and all of them are friends, that's your choice. At least that's my take on it. I'm a guy though so I don't really get worked up over whether or not I'm someone's groomsman.

Answer 9

She isn't invited because of the fact she did no longer get an invite. the subsequent time you're all out to lunch verify that your point out in case you talk approximately your wedding ceremony plans which you're doing RSVP's and invitation basically wedding ceremony. That way you're lined, because of the fact some human beings don't think in in case you do not have an invite then you are no longer blanketed to an adventure. stable success and congrats!

Answer 10

First of all: I think anyone who would end or change a relationship based on whether or not they got to be in the bridal party, really needs to grow up. What kind of friend is going to say "You didn't fit me in as your groomsman/bridesmaid, so I don't think you like me enough".

A wedding is not a popularity contest. People should not feel like they are left out of the "popular group" if they are not chosen. There are many other factors involved, not to mention cost, guest list limits, ceremony location space....lots of things to consider. The wedding is about celebrating the marriage...not about flattering your friends by making them part of your bridal party.

There are lots of factors for choosing your bridal party. Many people choose family...brothers and sisters, neices, nephews. Other people choose their closest friends, or their "oldest" friends...the relationships they have had for the longest time.

In the case of someone who is marrying a parent (Like I am), the couple may have the child/children as part of the wedding party. This makes quite an impact, if you are trying to have a balanced wedding party.

For example, my own wedding: I could easily ask 6 of my girlfriends to be in my bridal party....or my sister, my half sisters or my step sisters. But, where does the number end? If I asked everyone I wanted...my fiance would end up with 3 on his side, and 12 on mine. How fair is that, to him?

Since my fiance has 2 daughters....they are going to be part of the bridal party...on MY side. So, I have two "auto jr. bridesmaids". Meaning, I can only choose one or two of my closest friends as bridesmaids, or it will make the bridal party very lopsided.

Does this mean all of my other friends will not want to be around me anymore? No. They completely understand, and many times they are relieved! They don't have to pay for a bridesmaids dress, or do any of the work of a bridesmaid...they can just attend my wedding, help out however we need, and celebrate our marriage in the spirit of joy it is intended.

Answer 11

Choosing attendants is difficult from both ends...there are a lot of factors that play in and if every bride chose everyone she felt obligated to every wedding would be sooooo massive no one would be able to ever afford to get married...it is inevitable someones feelings are going to get hurt, you have to chose between family and friends, who will be able to be there to help and who has other obligations and you would feel guilty burdening them by asking for their help, the groom's family and friends, and the list goes on...don't feel hurt you were not asked and I would tell her "I know I was not asked ot be apart of the wedding party, but I would like to do anything I can to help. After all you were there for me when I needed you" Most likely, she will let it gush out to you as to why she made the decisions she did and will feel bad she was not able to ask you. Don't be surprised if at least one of the people in her wedding party she would love to replace with you but can not due to family obligations or pressure from family